LINUX WARS
episode 4
A NEW KERNEL
creative consultant: Empty
technical consultant: Ohseven
writer and all around god: WindRider
It was a cold night in the deep void of Seattle. Princess
Kaleias cruiser what we average folk call a bus was under attack
from an Imperial Curbcruiser. Emperor Gates called for Kaleia to be
brought back for trial as a rebel against the Microsoft Empire.
Rebel spies had smuggled plans for Gates plan to take over the entire
os market with his engine of win95 destruction. Admiral Necromango
and Mon Reno we desperately hoping that the exploits gathered by the
spies would turn the tide of battle again the evil that is Microsoft.
The Curbcruiser disabled and docked with Kaleias ship.Inside
Kaleias cruiser, she frantically tried to get the rebellions bots to
acknowledge her request.
Dammit B0ar3P0, accept my chat! she spat.
Im sorry princess, your password has been changed by one of
the Linux Masters. Try another bot instead B0ar3P0 recited.
Thats it, im gonna kick your ass right after i finish this.
Kaleia quickly slipped past G0at2D2s defenses and planted the exploits
where no imperial would ever hope to find it.
Now get your b0t asses into the escape pod before i show you
why the last bot ended up as a bit of useless fileserver!
Yes princess, as you command.
D0 DEEP BOP B00P!
Shut the hell up G0at2D2.
Elsewhere, the princess was boarded i mean, her ship by a
squadron of StoonTroopers, followed by the hideously evil Darth Balmer.
Find the girl and bring her to me he commanded asthmatically.
Lord Balmer, were not sure she IS a girl a StoonTrooper
responded.
Like that really matters for what i have in store.
Moments later, the StoonTroopers return with the princess.
Lord Balmer, only you could be so bold she breathlessly
whispered. I am a member of the Microsoft Board. What reason do you
have to board me ship?
Princess, we KNOW that the rebel spies have been in contact
with this vessel. Give me the data they transmitted to you and i shall
allow you to...live...a while longer. StoonTroopers, take her to my
ship!
- THE SCENE WHICH NORMALLY WOULD BE HERE HAS BEEN CUT BECAUSE IT WAS
TOO DAMNED BORING. G0AT2D2 AND B0AR3P0 DO SOME ZANY WACKY KOOKY CRAZY
THINGS, END UP IN AN ESCAPE POD, EJECT, AND LAND ON THE INHOSPITABLE
WASTE KNOWN AS SOUTHERN OMIZONA. SOME OTHER USELESS SHIT HAPPENS, THEN
THEY ARE FOUND BY THE JAWAS AND SOLD TO SOME IDIOT FARMER FAMILY. IT
IS THERE THAT WE RETURN TO THE STORY. Now arent you glad we skipped
all that shit? -
I suppose these bots could use a good cleaning. Ill get the
bath ready whined Omi Skywalker. Dammit, i always have to do this
bullshit. Some day im going to get out of this hole and go to the
Academy and help the Linux Masters defeat the evil Microsoft Empire...
Sir, who the f are you talking to? B0ar3P0 tried to
politely ask.
Bitch, youd better shut your bot ass up before i beat you
like the slut you are.
Yes sir.
Thats better. Now what was this i saw about some stupid
message that G0at2D2 is carrying?
Master Omi, it is a message meant for someone named Obiwh0d
Kenobi. The princess encrypted it so that no one but him could read
it.
PRINCESS?! Aw damn, i always miss all the fun stuff. Well
lets see if i cant just get around her code... ZAP! Ow! What
the..?
An image appeared before them. The princess was seen saying
over and over help me Obiwh0d Kenobi, youre my only hope. Over.
And over. And over. Finally Omi just gave G0at2D2 a good slap until
it stopped.
Hmm, I wonder if it could possibly be old Whodiniggy that the
princess is looking for. Lets head out in the morning and track his
ass down. Last thing i heard, he was faking his owm death or some
stupid shit like that. I hope the old fart doesnt make me go medieval
on his wrinkly Linux ass.
--------END CHAPTER ONE----------
CAST OF CHARACTERS: many to be seen in future chapters
Omi Skywalker
Empty Solo
Poly Fett
Emperor Gates
Darth Balmer
Chewie Protagawookie
Princess Kaleia
G0at2D2
B0ar3P0
Bugsy the Hut
y0whirrda
CainCor the Pit Monster
Dyone Calrissian
The Millennium Falc4nn
Admiral Necromango
Mon Reno
Obiwh0d Kenobi
Bib Oneduna
StoonTroopers
Grand Moff Seven
Tzeenwoks
This is just a teaser of the full story, available over the
next few weeks and fully compiled for your reading pleasure in upcoming
remorse packs. And if you think it sucks, dont blame me. Youre the
one who read this far.
-WindRider rmrs/qdp