LINUX WARS (episode 4) A NEW KERNEL creative consultant: Empty technical consultant: Ohseven writer and all around god: WindRider It was a cold night in the deep void of Seattle. Princess Kaleia's cruiser (what we average folk call a bus) was under attack from an Imperial Curbcruiser. Emperor Gates called for Kaleia to be brought back for trial as a rebel against the Microsoft Empire. Rebel spies had smuggled plans for Gate's plan to take over the entire os market with his engine of win95 destruction. Admiral Necromango and Mon Reno we desperately hoping that the exploits gathered by the spies would turn the tide of battle again the evil that is Microsoft. The Curbcruiser disabled and docked with Kaleia's ship.Inside Kaleia's cruiser, she frantically tried to get the rebellion's bots to acknowledge her request. "Dammit B0ar3P0, accept my chat!" she spat. "I'm sorry princess, your password has been changed by one of the Linux Masters. Try another bot instead" B0ar3P0 recited. "That's it, i'm gonna kick your ass right after i finish this." Kaleia quickly slipped past G0at2D2's defenses and planted the exploits where no imperial would ever hope to find it. "Now get your b0t asses into the escape pod before i show you why the last bot ended up as a bit of useless fileserver!" "Yes princess, as you command." "D0 DEEP BOP B00P!" "Shut the hell up G0at2D2." Elsewhere, the princess was boarded (i mean, her ship) by a squadron of StoonTroopers, followed by the hideously evil Darth Balmer. "Find the girl and bring her to me" he commanded asthmatically. "Lord Balmer, we're not sure she IS a girl" a StoonTrooper responded. "Like that really matters for what i have in store." Moments later, the StoonTroopers return with the princess. "Lord Balmer, only you could be so bold" she breathlessly whispered. "I am a member of the Microsoft Board. What reason do you have to board me ship?" "Princess, we KNOW that the rebel spies have been in contact with this vessel. Give me the data they transmitted to you and i shall allow you to...live...a while longer. StoonTroopers, take her to my ship!" -> THE SCENE WHICH NORMALLY WOULD BE HERE HAS BEEN CUT BECAUSE IT WAS TOO DAMNED BORING. G0AT2D2 AND B0AR3P0 DO SOME ZANY WACKY KOOKY CRAZY THINGS, END UP IN AN ESCAPE POD, EJECT, AND LAND ON THE INHOSPITABLE WASTE KNOWN AS SOUTHERN OMIZONA. SOME OTHER USELESS SHIT HAPPENS, THEN THEY ARE FOUND BY THE JAWAS AND SOLD TO SOME IDIOT FARMER FAMILY. IT IS THERE THAT WE RETURN TO THE STORY. Now aren't you glad we skipped all that shit? <- "I suppose these bots could use a good cleaning. I'll get the bath ready" whined Omi Skywalker. "Dammit, i always have to do this bullshit. Some day i'm going to get out of this hole and go to the Academy and help the Linux Masters defeat the evil Microsoft Empire..." "Sir, who the f#$% are you talking to?" B0ar3P0 tried to politely ask. "Bitch, you'd better shut your bot ass up before i beat you like the slut you are." "Yes sir." "That's better. Now what was this i saw about some stupid message that G0at2D2 is carrying?" "Master Omi, it is a message meant for someone named Obiwh0d Kenobi. The princess encrypted it so that no one but him could read it." "PRINCESS?! Aw damn, i always miss all the fun stuff. Well let's see if i can't just get around her code..." ZAP! "Ow! What the..?" An image appeared before them. The princess was seen saying over and over "help me Obiwh0d Kenobi, you're my only hope." Over. And over. And over. Finally Omi just gave G0at2D2 a good slap until it stopped. "Hmm, I wonder if it could possibly be old Whodiniggy that the princess is looking for. Let's head out in the morning and track his ass down. Last thing i heard, he was faking his owm death or some stupid shit like that. I hope the old fart doesn't make me go medieval on his wrinkly Linux ass." --------END CHAPTER ONE---------- CAST OF CHARACTERS: (many to be seen in future chapters) Omi Skywalker Empty Solo Poly Fett Emperor Gates Darth Balmer Chewie Protagawookie Princess Kaleia G0at2D2 B0ar3P0 Bugsy the Hut y0whirrda CainCor the Pit Monster Dyone Calrissian The Millennium Falc4nn Admiral Necromango Mon Reno Obiwh0d Kenobi Bib Oneduna StoonTroopers Grand Moff Seven Tzeenwoks This is just a teaser of the full story, available over the next few weeks and fully compiled for your reading pleasure in upcoming remorse packs. And if you think it sucks, don't blame me. You're the one who read this far. -WindRider SAUCE00Linux Wars WindRider Remorse Productions 199801 4ö