Here at The Lazarus Shoe Company we have enslaved old men
from Nova Scotia to help us create the finest in luxury footwear
We think youll agree it was worth it
LAZARUS SHOES CO. EST. 1519 our soles for various roles
Issue 13 June 18, 2021
Hello footwear fanatics!
We have entered the 7th quarter of the financial calendar with big gains
in all of our holdings. Demand is through the floor.
We couldnt have done it without YOU, the customer. Every dollar youve
spent ordering shoes from us, every dollar youve spent on our foot oriented
streaming service, all the bags of our popular linguini-laces you have
bought over the years, all of this has contributed to our overwhelming
When this company launched back in 1519 we had one unifying dream:
To put a quality shoe on every crippled foot.
Today we are considering putting up to 4 pairs of shoes on one foot at the
same time.
So sit back, kick off those shoes, and enjoy our Summer footwear collection!
Our erection inducing designs are waiting just around the corner.
Warpus Mark XXXVI
Returning home to New France in 1622 following the sparkling conclusion of
of the 102 years wars, Mrs. Kihachiro Hennifer established Hennifer Shoes
in what would later become London Ontario. Mr Warp.us the 1st was
taken on as assistant boot-shiner in 1702.
The company changed its name to Lazarus an acronym for the Canadian
proverb lick a zebra and reject ugly shoes. When Warpus Mark VI
contracted Docksiders Dropsy, Hennifer changed the company policy to shoes
for the crippled and lame.
In 1817 brand ambassador Pinguinnimus Quip changed the slogan to shoes for
lame artists.
In 1912, Discofunk 1843 invented the concept of putting stripes on shoes.
it was roundly rejected as tainted filth and he was branded a misfit, but
Hennifer went with it out of a sense of Canadian politeness.
The rest as they say is history.
Our Buy one get two three promotion ended up confusing far too many
customers and will be replaced with a seven pointed Eight in Four makes
Seventeen festival with the world famous dancing dinglers.
Canada day is fast approaching and with that in mind we bring you shoes
completely made out of maple bark. These beautiful artisinal creations
were hand crafted by mentally handicapped mountaineers from Prince Edward
Island and will bring a tear to your eyes whenever you see them.
In other news the artist formerly and also currently known as Zeromous
has joined our Kitchener-Waterloo location and will be busy over the next
couple months designing footwear for chairs and ottomans. To welcome
Zeromous we are inviting you to attend the slaughter of 200 goats to be held
at impures headquarters.
And last but definitely not least the mysterious midsole savant known as
knocturnal has in the cover of night created a work of art outside our
Mississauga office by throwing a tied up pair of sneakers over a telephone
wire. Our legal experts have been attempting to decipher the exact meaning
of this act, and so far we think it might be satirical commentary of the
industrial revolultions impact on footwear standards.
Dont you hate it when it comes out in two streams? Here at Elephant Labs
we strive to give you the number of streams that you are most comfortable
with. Our 4th generation destreamer can not only combine up to 19 streams
back into one stream but will also elegantly split one stream up into as
many streams as you want*. Our industry leading destreaming technology
will leave you gasping with pleasure. We urge you to get your genitals out
and give us a try.
* As long as you want 19 streams or less**
** Customers from Quebec are limited to 18 streams in either direction
The 2017 model of our Atom Splitters brand of tennis shoes has been
recalled due to reports of them making you look really cool. Those who
are wearing this brand of shoes right now are urged to cha-cha slide until
further notice.
We can fully confirm that shoes that can be worn inside out will be
appearing in stores by 2005 and shoes specifically designed for cyborgs are
on track for a 2028 release.
We are also excited to announce a part of the future coming to you TODAY
in an exciting way. We have taken a bunch of things that have the word
block in it and after a 4 day bender the result is an ansi shoe running on
the power of blockchain technology. This new innovation will allow you to
buy our shoes but also be able to prove to anyone anywhere at any point
that you did in fact buy those shoes. They will be yours forever and
you will be able to sleep and shower with them or do anything you want
really since shoes dont have legal rights or souls.
Lazarus shoe scientists are working on many exciting projects, most of
which we cant even tell you about. You think shoes only belong on feet?
Think again. We estimate that by the year 2041 humans and giraffes will
be wearing artificially intelligent shoes that wrap around your body and
adjust to the shape of your scrotum. And you might be surprised to hear
this, but shoelaces will one day have their own personalities and gastro-
intestinal problems. The future of shoes is insane, so strap on your strap
on and we will guide you through it all in style.