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LAZARUS ANSI ZODIAC
ADMINISTRATION
. xix
WE CHOOSE TO GO TO SPACE NOT BECAUSE IT IS EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT IS 1337
- LAZZ ALDRIN
Prologue
5 Nov, 2019, 16colo.rs World HQ
Misfit! Burps shouted into the intercom Get in here!
CoMiNg MaSteR... A hunch-backed, misshapen man hobbled into the room.
Have you seen this?
Its a portrait of a Scarf as far as I can tell. Excellent composition. If
I had to guess, it looks like AVG.
I Know what it is, Misfit, how did it get here?
I would imagine it was released in a pack sir?
Misfit, you know my plans to make 16colo.rs the TiKToK for genX males. There
is no way we can keep something this politically incorrect.
Sir I dont think genX males are the crucial demo youre making them out--
Enough! I want it off 16colo.rs Immediately! I dont care what it takes,
take it down MiSFiT!
Yes Burps
10 Nov, 2019 Australian outback
Ivan reloaded the page furiously, but it was gone. His prized portrait of a
Scarf. His greatest work. Better than Macho. Better than Slash. Better than a
different picture of Macho. Oh god... he wailed Ill show you...Ill show
you all! He walked into the backyard and there it was.. the homemmade rocket
he and Nail had been working on. He looked over at the table. One of the last
remaining copies of Fuel 29+30. That was more then enough to get him all the
way to the sun. Which, coincidentally, was where he decided to go.
Countdown: ...4
Early 2018, LAZARUS HQ
Randers: I Call the latest meeting of the Lazarus board of directors to order.
CEO warpus has the floor.
warpus: Thank you Randers! As many of you know HiRMU has reuninted after a 30
year absence. This pretty much means its over for us in terms of ansi. Its
unlikely that we will be able to compete. Fortunately Hennifer has suggested
a new pivot for us ... Hennifer Smiles. Our fearless founder has carved a
way forward...we are to become explorers...pilgrims...pioneers Hennifer
nods. We are going to space! Outer Space!
At this last commment, Hennifers brows furrowed.
Later that day Still Early 2018, IRC
Hennifer who the fuck does warpus think he is?
MFS I know, right?
Hennifer I said explore like mind...soul...consciousness....and that
disphit thinks i meant...outer space?
MFS hes completely ruining Lazarus. We were going to journey to the center
of the mind, beyond the veil of reality, and he wants to like...go into low
earth orbit.
Hennifer Laza...like...nasa? I dont get it.
MFS Its stupid.
Hennifer We have to do something about this
MFS What can we do?
Hennifer Hes going to build a rocket and send it into space.
MFS Yah.
Hennifer We need to make sure it fails.
MFS Perfect.
Countdown: ...3
11 Nov, 2019, Germany
The moment Nail got home, he knew that something was wrong. Ivan
wasnt home and more importantly the rocket was missing. When he found the
note, he knew his worst fears had come true. He didnt have time to freak out.
He grabbed his phone, dialing the only person who might be able to help.
RaDMaN
Nail! Hows my friendly fraulein??
He did it. He took the rocket.
I hate to say I told you so, but keeping a rocket in your backyard...
Nail grumbled.
I cant help you get Ivan back, but I know who can...
Same day, Lazarus HQ
This is going to be amazing! warpus shouted to no one in particular.
Going to space will surely be the greatest accomplishment in scene history.
Sir!
CTO sIMONkING, how goes the rocket making?
Terrible sir, we lack Fuel, our chakras are totally unaligned and our
subscriber count is dwindling
Excellent!
Sir! it was Pinguino, head of OPSEC. Theres been security breaches. Weird
transmissions, cameras going out, exploding ascii printers, and someone
definitely stole our copies of Fuel 29+30.
PING this is your fault -- security is what I pay you for!
But you dont pay me.
I pay you in compliments.
Youve never complimented me.
Lets not argue semantics!
warpus, without security we wont be able to guarantee the safety of any
laztronauts or the Polanadian Spaceknee...
Just then the phone rang. Holy shit warpus said its RaDMaN. Hey RaDMaN!
Do you go by Mr. RaDMaN..wait...what you need a rocket...THEY NEED A ROCKET!!!
WE HAVE A CLIENT! SUMMON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
Later that day, Lazarus HQ
Get ready, warpus began we are accelerating our timeline! We need to get
into space immediately to save Ivan! We have been hired by RaDMaN! We are
going to save the scene.
Im ready to fly, sir! Krl popped up.
Sir Chief Engineer sIMONkING spoke up the rockets are not ready. Theres
no way we can have everything ready in time to save Ivan.
We have no choice! warpus bellowed Somebody get us all the FUEL we need!
Without FUEL, were practically AMiSH! And everyone went scrambling.
Countdown: ...2
Space, The final frontier
U.S.S.
SPACECOCK e
Ivan sat, strapped into his rocket, heading straight for the sun. Surely this
would show Burps! BEEP Another vessel starboard. He looked over. A pristine
1978 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme running Oblivion/2 was gaining on him. He
stopped and rolled down his window. Traffic was rare in the sumptuous vaccum
of space.
As the Cutlass pulled up to meet him, Ivan heard the sweet sounds of Foghat
and smelled the august tones of a half consumed Marlboro Red. A man in a
cowboy hat beheld him.
Propane
Howdy partner. You look like youre headed for the sun.
What if I am? .. And wait, is that tainted riding shotgun?
Thats pretty heavy. You ever think about how that might make all yer friends
feel? And forget tainted.. what about chromatik?
Maybe Burps should have thought about that when he took down my Scarf ansi.
Maybe so. Maybe Napoleon shoulda never invaded Russia. Maybe RaDMaN never
shoula tried to pivot to hi-rez.
Whats your point, PPE?
Ijust thought you might want a cigarette as you pilot yourself straight into
the sun.
Oh, thanks mate.
Deep Underground
Henn, I dont know what to do. I tried uploading the virus repeatedly but
Ping is totally on top of security. She installed McAFee.
Damnit, shes always 3 steps ahead of us. Well, youre just going to have to
hack this analog style, Mel.
Analog style?
Yeah, youre gonna have to go in there and like twist knobs and break stuff.
But theyll see me.
If you activate black FG on black BG in pablodraw, you can still add
characters to the file but it will be invisible.
Of course...just go black on black then.
Exactly.
Countdown: ...1
warpus stood facing the thousands of LAZArus employees, interns, exwives, and
virtual assistants. Behind him, a very phallic rocket threatened to explode.
Today he bellowed is a momentous day. Today LAZArus leaves not only
ANSI behind, today we leave the earth behind. Today Krl goes into space, but
today we all go into space as it is all of you who put him there! Including
filth the destroyer, who is not affiliated with us and is not a laztronaut.
The Crowd erupted.
Before we get any further let us take a moment to pay our respects to
the Great Hawk of the Galaxy
After a minute of complete silence warpus continued.
We are not just going to prove that we are the only space-capable group
in the scene. We are going to save one of our own, Ivan, from certain
death! Krl are you ready?
Krl, resplendent in his space suit walked through the crowd, waved
to the adoring public and boarded the ship. warpus took out a walkie-talkie.
Chief Luminator, initiate ignition.
Ignition, or the remix to ignition, sir?
What did I say about R Kelly refs in 2024?
Ok Guys --- count down with me as Lazarus goes directly into space
MaDDoG 3
The Knight 2
Harvest 1!!!
It was a brilliant and beautiful sight to behold. Smoke erupted as the giant
device that resembled a penis lifted off and headed for the sky.
And then it exploded and many people screamed.
A few hours later, The Sun
The sun loomed large over Ivans face. this was the last moment, a few
hundred meters closer and the suns gravity would be impossible to escape. It
was already so hot inside the rocket that he would melt in a few minutes
anyway. Ivan took one last look at earth and punched the acceleator. The heat
felt good. Real good.
Everything went white.
After a few white moments
Ivan woke up in a...place. A beared man w/ an accordion was seated across
from him.
BIN
AI
SPACE SHOE LIT
OGG POLKA
ASCII XB
ATASCII MOD TELE
TEXT BALLS XP
HIREZ
IT PIXEL HTML
ANSI PDF 8px
9px
HORSE BEADS PRG
XM EXE
D64 S3M
PETSCII BDSM RIP
LEGO
DUPLO
Where am I?
At the end....or the beginning. Before the after. After forever
You seem familiar
Yes..weve talked before.
Are you my creator?
In a manner of speaking.
Am I dead?
You flew a rocket into the sun, you think you survived that?
Honestly, I just wanted burps to keep my ansi up on 16colo.rs
What if I told you that theres a place where anything you make will be
released...regardless of quality, regardless of politcal correctness,
regardless of textiness. A place where you dont have to worry about Burps
censorship and have complete artistic freedom.
Thats what I want! Damnit, what is this place?
In this place, we will release aything. We call it Mistigris. Welcome home
Ivan.