J A N U A R Y 1 9 9 8
1. Welcome to the greatest show on earth, folks! Its Slothy here, manning
the boom mike as your DJ for the affair. Watch out for Boa, hes recording
every word spoken with his concealed hat-mic and pocket recorder. This
paragraph causes the reader to glean no information - its good practice for
the standardized tests reading portion. The test questions below do not apply
this portion.
2. To kick off the new year quoted incorrectly by some as the year of the
tiger, but we all know that its really the year of the iCE, were ecstatic to
welcome eight new artists this month. Thats right! In the ANSI Department,
Id like to personally welcome Count Zer0 to our team! Now, for the new
additions to the VGA Department here goes in alphabetical order: Fire From
Heaven, Ian Dale, Mli, Psyanide, Steven Stahlberg, Trauma, and last but not
least, Tim Wallace. All of these guys gals are absolutely fantastic like we
would have anything else... and I think theyll turn some heads for a long
time to come.
3. We have to sadly wave goodbye to mr4tune, who was accidentally dropped
while attempting a death-defying show of being hung by his toes from the top of
our radio station, K RAD. We even played a Live Accoustic version of Mmmm
Bop in mourning for his loss.
4. Were kicking off a brand new funk in the group this month! Every month,
one artist will be awarded the title of Artist of the Monthtm. Thank God
for well-paid marketing teams to come up with our Catchy Namestm. All
artists who are awarded the Artist of the Monthtm go through a rigorous
ceremony. First they put on their Burger King crown, then they stand in a
chair while everyone sings the Artist of the Monthtm song. Its a very
cheery tune that is about noodles and cupcakes and other happy things!
Anyway, the first artist to receive this terribly exciting title is the
brand-new, all-natural, cuts-through-a-lead-pipe, no-preservatives,
Count Zer0! Everyone cheer for his majesty I left that out... the Artist of
the Monthtm must be referred to as his/her majesty for the duration of
the month.
5. We are officially announcing that we have been working for some time on a
brand new web site, with MUCH more content and eyecandy galore. We will leak
some more information in the coming months.
6. Thats all for this month, folks! Remember that this is only the first
pack of 1998 - just wait to see what we have in store for you!
-Lord Soth
Cold and Ugly Force Ten Mass Delusion