little johnny carptenter
by - black francis
little johnny carpenter stepped off the school bus instead of
heading straight home, as he usually did, he decided to take a shortcut
through the woods. about two minutes into his journey, johnny ran into an
elf sitting upon a rock deep in thought. startled, yet filled with
youthful curiousity, little johnny carpenter approached the creature.
excuse me, mister .. he said in an almost-whisper, .. but, are
you an elf?
yes. yes, i am.
do you live in these woods?
yes. yes, i do.
how come? how come you dont live with the rest of the townsfolk?
well, little boy im scared.
scared of what?
exploitation.
puzzled, johnny inched even closer to the creature hesitantly sat
down next to him on the rock.
what ever do you mean, exploitation?
well, kid, quite frankly, i dont want to have my face plastered
onto t-shirts, lunch boxes, saturday morning television cartoons, *or*
sugar-coated breakfast cereals. i dont want to be just another elf whose
time has come gone. i dont want my own sitcom. i dont want my own
feature film.
but, that would never happen here, in trucksville. youd be free to
come go live work amongst the other citizens. you could get a
full-time job with my father at the garage move into the barn until you
could afford a place of your own.
oh, give it up, kid. i am not your corporate whore. i have morals,
convictions, theyre certainly not for sale. i have respect for myself,
boy, im not going to let some greasy hollywood agent take that away from
me.
then, little johnny carpenter began talking to the elf about
marketing, trading, stocks, bonds, buying, selling, promotions, merchandise,
the vast, almost neverending, market that layed overseas.
sure, johnny carpenter couldnt beat jessica zglinksky in a spelling
bee, but he sure did know business.
a little over an hour later, johnny the elf shook hands left the
woods together, as business partners. after a few unsuccesful attempts at
daytime drama, the elf left for hollywood to persue his true calling
childrens programming.
elfs corner ran for almost twenty consecutive years on network
television successfully spawned its own line of childrens clothing an
amusement park, in the process. little johnny carptenter, however, was not
so lucky.
almost thirty years after their initial confrontation in the woods,
johnny carpenter became an alcoholic an avid cocaine user. spending what
little money he earned on cheap wine expensive prostitutes or was that
the other way around?, johnny was forced to declare bankruptcy move in
with his grandmother. last time he was seen alive, he was seen in the adult
movie section of the local capn video tm.
despite all of this, the town of trucksville erected a plaque in town
square to honor little johnny carpenter. it was small, sure, but it was a
testament to the greatest business prodigy to ever step foot in their quaint
little community.
END
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
80 the arcade avenger tao
81 the night before 2600 d.cheez
82 journey into the mind of a no-brained counterculturist taraxis
83 a generic y0lk file mogel
84 cultural inclination? m.head
85 australia through the eyes of a spoon spoony
86 the life of a demented sysop spoony
87 little johnny carpenter franman
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is a crazed oriental, looking for revenge, but not a y0lk member.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
OR! *new* alt.zines.y0lk! subscribe today! yes, folks, YOU can READ the
NEWSGROUP alt.zines.y0lk! isnt that special? join y0lknet too. thank phorce.
if you have ANY normal internet provider, you can read alt.zines.y0lk!@
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
by - black francis
little johnny carpenter stepped off the school bus instead of
heading straight home, as he usually did, he decided to take a shortcut
through the woods. about two minutes into his journey, johnny ran into an
elf sitting upon a rock deep in thought. startled, yet filled with
youthful curiousity, little johnny carpenter approached the creature.
excuse me, mister .. he said in an almost-whisper, .. but, are
you an elf?
yes. yes, i am.
do you live in these woods?
yes. yes, i do.
how come? how come you dont live with the rest of the townsfolk?
well, little boy im scared.
scared of what?
exploitation.
puzzled, johnny inched even closer to the creature hesitantly sat
down next to him on the rock.
what ever do you mean, exploitation?
well, kid, quite frankly, i dont want to have my face plastered
onto t-shirts, lunch boxes, saturday morning television cartoons, *or*
sugar-coated breakfast cereals. i dont want to be just another elf whose
time has come gone. i dont want my own sitcom. i dont want my own
feature film.
but, that would never happen here, in trucksville. youd be free to
come go live work amongst the other citizens. you could get a
full-time job with my father at the garage move into the barn until you
could afford a place of your own.
oh, give it up, kid. i am not your corporate whore. i have morals,
convictions, theyre certainly not for sale. i have respect for myself,
boy, im not going to let some greasy hollywood agent take that away from
me.
then, little johnny carpenter began talking to the elf about
marketing, trading, stocks, bonds, buying, selling, promotions, merchandise,
the vast, almost neverending, market that layed overseas.
sure, johnny carpenter couldnt beat jessica zglinksky in a spelling
bee, but he sure did know business.
a little over an hour later, johnny the elf shook hands left the
woods together, as business partners. after a few unsuccesful attempts at
daytime drama, the elf left for hollywood to persue his true calling
childrens programming.
elfs corner ran for almost twenty consecutive years on network
television successfully spawned its own line of childrens clothing an
amusement park, in the process. little johnny carptenter, however, was not
so lucky.
almost thirty years after their initial confrontation in the woods,
johnny carpenter became an alcoholic an avid cocaine user. spending what
little money he earned on cheap wine expensive prostitutes or was that
the other way around?, johnny was forced to declare bankruptcy move in
with his grandmother. last time he was seen alive, he was seen in the adult
movie section of the local capn video tm.
despite all of this, the town of trucksville erected a plaque in town
square to honor little johnny carpenter. it was small, sure, but it was a
testament to the greatest business prodigy to ever step foot in their quaint
little community.
END
--index-------------------------------------------------------------------
.db.
title author
01 the other white meat creed
02 several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin creed
03 nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. creed
04 a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin creed
05 household uses for afghanistanian food creed
06 pour cement down my anus hooch
07 hail santa! creed
08 hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? hooch
09 lunchables rock. creed
10 t-shirts and toejam bedlam
11 nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview hooch
12 movie reviews showgirls!@ - win95 vs. os/2 sorta hooch
13 straight outta compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ hooch
14 im a tall, goofy, dorky, chink phorce
15 bedazzled by the eliteness creed
16 how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina creed
17 i am a warez pup - who are you? hooch
18 lemmings phorce
19 the science of astrology belial
20 the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene cd/h0
21 dUcK 54uc3?!!? phorce
22 top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself creed
23 citrus fruits for sale phorce
24 group masturbation belial
25 ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs creed
26 catering for the warez eleet phorce
27 brief mental pause belial
28 the army day camp belial
29 the geek theory, hickies, and another long day creed
30 nets, zines, and that chick from wings hooch
31 mentos! the freedom giver! mercuri
32 ramblings of a poseur bedlam
33 sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan creed
34 fuck you - a note to all yall on zines hooch
35 apples, oranges, and pears phorce
36 the little cultist that couldnt creed
37 careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate creed
38 snowday phorce
39 creed is g0d creed
40 big hurt is ruler of the earth bighurt
41 dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue bighurt
42 bbs softwares/internet hooch
43 abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! creed
44 mogels own very special personalized 1 y0lk issue phorce
45 your burro is no jackass! creed
46 rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars creed
47 outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers creed
48 Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off creed
49 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life creed
50 the best of the worst creed
51 the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave trip
52 ode to my feet creed
53 hopelessly lost poots
54 the schoolhouse r0x! phorce
55 campbells chicken-noodle soup omen of death creed
56 dead cats juke
57 my inner taco handle
58 my place, or yours? mercuri
59 how to really use that spiffy monopoly money lumpy
60 struggle wif the giant pink elephant lucifer
61 why did the chicken cross the road? insane
62 y0lk test pattern mutter
63 ELiTE LiT from the master himself creed
64 creeds k-rad lit archives, volume two creed
65 UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME. creed
66 how y0lk saved my life sorta creed
67 shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles ideal
68 some puppet plays phorce
69 ... Hello operator ... mutter
70 i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. traq
71 battle of the ants rage
72 fun on the phone ideal
73 yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries.. handle
74 i love you as my own mother sphrog
75 jamesy and the giant slinky jamesy
76 do not fuck with the big and hairy bears murmur
77 horror story oeb
78 dat wh0re s.sheep
79 the ewok rant taraxis
80 the arcade avenger tao
81 the night before 2600 d.cheez
82 journey into the mind of a no-brained counterculturist taraxis
83 a generic y0lk file mogel
84 cultural inclination? m.head
85 australia through the eyes of a spoon spoony
86 the life of a demented sysop spoony
87 little johnny carpenter franman
TT
--infoez--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is a crazed oriental, looking for revenge, but not a y0lk member.
heil creed. HEIL! HEIL!
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for y0lkb0t on irc, efnet. type @y0lk number for y0lks.
OR... ATTENTION y0lkies! join the y0lk mailing list! chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too! email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
subscribe y0lk in the body of the message.
OR! *new* alt.zines.y0lk! subscribe today! yes, folks, YOU can READ the
NEWSGROUP alt.zines.y0lk! isnt that special? join y0lknet too. thank phorce.
if you have ANY normal internet provider, you can read alt.zines.y0lk!@
dont you feel like youre getting a little too much information here?
couldnt we just show our ftp site and shut up? its just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
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