The Insane Musings of a Doodleboy in Heat
written by WindRider quad-p/remorse
So what follows are some ramblings that i wrote last week when i was
sick with the flu and fairly hallucinatory. Some of it is kind of
odd and a bit philosophical and mushy. If that could bother you,
then get the hell out of this file before you run around the room
screaming OH MY GOD! WINDRIDER, YOU BASTARD! DONT DO THIS TO ME!
dont say you werent warned.
Feb 11 or near there
Wow, i hope E is okay. Id hate to see anything happen
to her, shes a pretty special woman. Whatever it is, its personal,
otherwise she likely would have told K what was up. I should check
to see if she, M, and T are going to the pub. H0h0, Frank
looked like he was working hard correcting those exams in the library.
I think any mark over a 0 is a bonus.
Rs and idiot. I cant really see him being a decent
teacher AT ALL. Time to tryo out the other pen. I think ive got to
save those felt tips as part of my remembrance shrine to Biggar.
They really helped me out a lot. Hmm, i wonder if i should get John a
copy of the article i gave Frank.
I hope Es in class tomorrow. I just cant seem to get her
out of my mind.
need to check the job postings tomorrow.
Im an idiot. I want to go to China with E.
maybe i should suggest to her the possibility of taking it for
audit. That could be fun. oh shit, if she went shed miss Convocation.
I get the feeling its the last time ill see most of these people.
That really saddens me.
Isnt it ironic, dont you think? I get all set to run off to
New Zealand and now i find someone that id give up everything for.
Too bad itll never happen, shes way out of my league. My life was
just getting simplified too. Christ, all i need now is for C to
just start it all again and ill be totally screwed.
Aw geeze, now im confused. Did E look back or would she
consider that i looked back to her? Odds are she doesnt even care,
and why would she? I might as well just put on my i should have at
least done SOMETHING pedestal. In another day or two i should find
out that theres a boyfriend, and that will be that.
and yet this is new.
if i had to describe it, id say i was setting her up as THE
ONE just so that i can punish myself. Heres an idea if shes at the
pub... hell, if shes IN CLASS, make a broad sweeping question about
what people are doing for valentines day. if the situation presents
itself, serve up the opportunity of just hooking up to piss the day
away.
shes got her own car, good sign. no relying on as-yet
undetermined boyfriend. ex: Ni, now there was a dumb idea
plays the violin, but supposedly not very well.
fairly free story teller, make it an offer to her at some point.
ex: owe her a story, blah blah blah
350 in her graduating class? wow.
hey, try to avoid making an idiot out of yourself.
ive gotto wonder what obsession is defined as.
gotta write that rationale for John tonight.
what kind of stone was that in her flower necklace?
genuinely interesting and enigmatic, how truly rare and
wonderful. yep, i think shes got me. i just have to hope she doesnt
realize it. otherwise, things could get odd.
Feb 23 or close
Im really setting myself up for a big fall here. One of two
things will happen.
1 She doesnt know im alive.
2 Shes involved with a god.
this shouldnt surprise me, since the intelligent and beautiful
ones are always unavailable. though i am concerned about this
disappearing act.
is there anything a guy in love wouldnt go for a woman?
history has shown that men will kill for love, but is it a grander
gesture to kill or be willing to sacrifice all?
there again, true love shouldnt require you to hold on to the
person you love. the next step of selfless love is to give her freedom.
even freedome from yourself. its a tough, often unrequited, and very
RARE love.
maybe the knights and squires had it right in having their love
be a completely unattainable woman. ever act done in the name of love
creating a better person, yet still unworthy of the woman. how many
men still hold these values? am i the last of a dying breed? ive
already accepted that there are remarkably fewer gentlemen than the
world requires.
maybe this notion of chivalry needs to be updated...
maybe its a matter of always setting an insurmountable goal,
where the joy is in knowing that even as you better yourself, that she
can have better than she had ever thought.
maybe its just fear. not a fear of rejection. if you cant
cant handle rejection, there isnt a point in living. this fear is
of never being worthy of love, never truly deserving love, even from
she who inspires it to such heights in you.
love like this is bound to be tinged in regret. not regret for
what could have been, but for what was known as never to be. love like
this HAS been tinged with a mix of regret and joy. SHE IS MY MUSE.
that is all it ever can or will be.
i miss her absence even more with every day that i see her. i
spent 20 minutes this on my hair for no reason, until i realized that
it was because i would see HER that day. the merest thought of her
name sends tingles of cold energy racing up my spine from my kidneys to
the base of my skull.
to say my thoughts are consumed with her would be to say im
obsessed. i would hope that im not, thought it may seem otherwise.
she DOES come to mind when my brain is having down time, unburdened
with the immediate demands of the world. last night i wrote to her
instead of working on a paper or studying for an exam. what have i
turned myself into? i have goosebumps right now.
im not sure that i have ever thought of her this much at one
time as i have in the past hour. again, the tingle strikes.
tomorrow will soon bring another day. a day when she has no
clue that i am alive, and no clue that i am desperately fighting with
the riptide of love at first or second, h0h0 sight.
it would seem that she really is my Muse and inspiration.
i wonder why im using Muse so much...