hide your children lock your doors, folks. its yet another action-packed
issue of everyones favorite family-fun zine ..
iiiiii iiii iiii iiiii iiiii
!!!! !!!! iiiiii !!!!! !!!!!
Yss YssY YssY
doomed to obscurity issue eight - released march 17th, 1996.
1 straight outta hatboro
by - black francis
youve *relentlessly*
thats it, mogel. im . attacked my lifestyle
sick tired of all your @ personal
stupid straight edge jokes. @ beliefs i will
o o i quit, you facist bastard. o o o o *NOT* put up with
it any longer!
o / - O -,------------------
ok. im sorry, bF. please, . OK, WHEN DO I START?
write for dto again. @
@ /
o o o o /
o o
sure, ive sold myself out. but, then again, who hasnt?
welcome back, suckers. its time for another round with your good
buddy black francis.
THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
dont hurt me! im fragile!
I DIDNT THINK SO, MOTHERBITCH.
anywho, lets get right down to the nitty-gritty. since mogel
*really* wanted to make a big deal about my re-joining the staff of
doomed to obscurity, i was going to have THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself
guest-write the editorial for this issue but he was kind of busy so im just
going to grab my cat, pretend like hes THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, slam his
paws on the keyboard.
i apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused anyone.
thanks for your understanding.
*ahem*
.. now, a word from THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself
xz sdnb bsbdb nndjdjcsnderf,kmn n bn b dnx ndfdcd nnc
k MM,MAMMAKkssk,k,k,,mx,m xxm,dx mx m di dcnmnj jjj
ow. the fucker scratched me.
hmph.
ANYWAY ..
youll have to excuse me, kids, for ive been in an extremely giddy
mood lately. lots of fantastic things have been happening in my life
theyve all had a suprisingly positive effect on me my usually piss-poor
attitude. maybe ill write about it if i can find the time cause, as you
all very well known, i am a virtual graphomaniac1.
1 graphomaniac - one who is crazy about writing. also see inside
joke.
enough about me. lets see whats new in the doomed to obscurity
news department
at the request of our anal-retentive writers, i have ceased replacing
all of their ands with ampersands.
picky bastards.
also, for all you web-surfers cyber-punks idiots, the new
improved doomed to obscurity web page is up fully functional. check it
out at : http://www.prism.net/dto/
tell em mike hunt sent you.
get it? mike hunt. ah-hahahaha.
no? uh. say it *really* fast. like, together. mikehunt. hahaha.
whoo, thats a good one. eh. anyway i may be dumb, but im not a dweeb.
im just a sucker with no self-esteem.
phew. i kill me.
ok. enough of that news bullshit. lets get back to talking about
me.
my side-project music-only zine, kill your head, is currently
in its final stages of completion. now, dont hold me to this, but if i
release it at *all*, you can expect the first issue later this month.
included are album reviews, music-related articles this months issue has
articles on the punk revival moshing, whatever else i can squeeze in
that seems to fit the bill.
thatll make *two* zines i can never finish on time.
im so bad.
anyway i really need to cut down on my anyways. hey, uh, if anyone
can think up any decent replacement words besides anywho, please mail
them to the doomed to obscurity correspondence address with the title
re : anyway. id be ever-so-grateful., ive been withholding the goods
long enough. on with the zaniness!
2 doomed to obscurity eight all contents therein ..
1 - straight outta hatboro
by - black francis
2 - doomed to obscurity eight all contents therein ..
by - black francis
3 - an ode to noodles
by - black francis
4 - dewmed - part one
by - james hetfield
5 - monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th,
1973
by - black francis
6 - me three!@
by - mogel
7 - downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america
by - eerie
8 - hate is a bald guy named steve
by - shadow tao
9 - how to make an ansi bomb
by - belial
10 - the elf says ..
by - creed
11 - ascii-toons
by - black francis
12 - artichoke powder - condiments chapter 563
by - murmur
13 - FUCK YOU, HOOKER
by - styx
14 - did i mention im a bastard?
by - james hetfield
15 - a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women, children
of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
by - black francis
16 - the chaos theory saturday, july 16
by - eerie
17 - frannies poetry corner
by - black francis
18 - doomed to obscurity wacky fold-in
by - black francis
3 an ode to noodles
by - black francis
this is heartfully dedicated to all the noodles in the audience.
noodles noodles, i love you.
you taste so damn good in my stew.
youre so delicious, i must say,
thats why i eat you every day.
4 dewmed - part one
by - james hetfield
mogel : can you believe it? 6 telecom legends living in the same house?
tao : if spending all our time together doesnt produce the best zine
ever, i dunno what will.
JH : why do i feel like im in an episode of the young ones?
bF : fuck you, hetfield. cock sucking bastard.
eerie : trees@!@@!
.. so it began. the ultimate zine experiment. if you lock six
telecom legends in a house for infinity, they should produce hamlet, right?
JH : ill take this room.
mogel : thats my room, jamesy.
JH : ok. ill take this one, then.
bF : fuck off. whose fucking shit do you see in there, you
retard?
JH : fine. ill take this room.
eerie : uhh .. thats my room, i think.
JH : no, eerie, youll be sleeping in that room.
eerie : oh. ok.
murmur : do0d! that is like my room, do0d!
eerie : oh. ill take that room then.
bF : fuck off, jackass.
eerie : oh.
after they settled in, they got themselves into a writing groove.
murmur : do0d! wanna hear my newest condiment? its 3145 : goat
cheeze!@
JH : it sucks.
murmur : oh.
mogel : i like it, murmur.
murmur : do0d!
tao : i just finished dto vs. the amish, part 13!
JH : it sucks.
bF : GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, HETFIELD.
as you can see, everything was perfectly normal. but, a funny thing
happened friday, october 13, 1996. murmur woke up to find eeries head
splattered across the bathroom walls. the only clue left was a small note
that read :
tree this, you facist bastard@!@@!@!!
dto immediately had an emergency meeting.
fake scorpion : i dunno guys. this doesnt look good. but, what
do you expect from a society like the one we live
in? as my mentor, william b. corgan would say ..
all except tao : THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE ..
bF : fuck you all. stop fucking looking at me like that, you
bastard cock suckers. ive been framed. i couldnt have
written that shitty note. the asshole who written that fucking
piece of shit didnt fucking use fucking words id use,
damnit.
JH : hes right. not a single swear on the entire note. but who
would frame you, bF?
bF : HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? JESUS CHRIST.
so, the dto crew pillaged frannies room for any evidence. all they
found were 215 empty beer bottles three pixies albums with cum stains all
over them.
murmur : do0d! there are no codez here!!!!
mogel : hmm. we could search everyones rooms, but this is a
family zine.
tao : yeah.
JH : hey, where did fake scorpion go? come to think of it, where
is eightball? he was here a while ago ..
bF : fuck. we lost two more writers .. no one is fucking
writing anymore anyway - all those fucking shithead 908ers
never fucking stop bothering me for the new fucking dto.
FUCK IT. I QUIT.
tao : yeah.
murmur : do0d! you cant quit@@!@! not in the middle of a
story@!!!@
bF : wanna bet?
.. with that, frannie disappeared. they found his body in the
broom closet fifteen minutes later, stacked neatly on top of eightballs
fake scorpions.
murmur : do0d! now frannie cant come back become head editor
quit come back become head editor again!
tao : yeah.
JH : dont worry. this is only a story, guys. its not real.
tao : STORY??? STOP@! STOP THE STORY@!@
JH just broke the realistic element of this story!
clap, clap
JH : thanks. way to go absurdity!@!@!@
.. meanwhile ..
demonseed : eye have them right where i want them!
muahahahahha@@!!@!
.. to be continued ..
rattle : hey!@! when does everyone get to see my cameo appearance
find out im really the homicidal maniac?
next issue, rattle. next issue.
5 monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th,
1973
by - black francis
a riot which kills one, injures thirty-six, does over eight
hundred thousand dollars in damages erupts on a golf course in orlando,
florida after british tourist nigel hornsworth compliments black tourist
jerome fisher, vacationing in the area with his wife twelve year-old
daughter, on his nice pair of knickers.
* source : the orlando times courier. 15 july, 1973.
6 me three!@
by - mogel
i fuckin rock. thats all there really is to it.
you see, my friend, im a functional loser, but i still rock oh-so
much harder than YOU - yes, i do find this to be a sad, sad world where
someone as lame pathetic as me actually TOWERS above so many people in
just so many ways. i simply kick ass.
you know sometimes i devote my precious time actually thinking of
crazy-ass concepts for innovative t-files. things that HAVENT been done
before. i bet you people forget every sentence youre reading right now
holds every essence of my being. yup.
im supposed to be a writer here i am, writing, in a sick way it
blows my mind that whatever i type right here now is going to be read by
you others for all time. thousands upon thousands of eyes will be seeing
doomed to obscurity forever. were the best. were legends were aware
of it. do you even UNDERSTAND that kind of pressure, kid? dont you wanna
have something that is funny, intelligent, witty, well-written, actually
SAYS something? isnt THAT the point of what were doing? otherwise, why
bother?
so, being the omnipotent being that i am, ive ive developed a knack
for psycho-babbling about nothing in particular, making a point of it.
this is a rant about rants. this is something pointless - that is its
point.
wanna hear a story? i bet you do.
the other day while i was waiting for the bus i carried on a full-on
rockin conversation with some smelly-ass, old homeless guy named ralph on
the street comparing humanity to a piece of lint. he was one hip
motherfucker im sure if i was homeless, this is the kinda guy id like to
be. when youre that awesome, you can be a bum get away with it.
ive been working on my own subculture of being a jackass. i get
some insane kick out of rubbing open wounds with total strangers pissing
em off. did you ever notice how people are pretty unaccepting of their
problems? say, for example, my head was a turnip. if someone made fun of
me, id just be like yeah, my head is a turnip. no shit. man, were you
born this stupid or did you undergo some kind of special training? move on
with your pathetic life, bastard. - thatd be it. the issue would be
over with. but for some reason people cant seem to adapt to my anarchy.
go figure.
what made me this way?
i look around my room its filled with books all about art film
philosophy, but all of that stuff is hogwash to me cause ive twisted
mixed everything ive ever learned read into one big, simple mass. maybe
thats why im so fuckin pheared.
okay, LETS TALK ABOUT SOME PHEAR. TRY LOOKING AT THE AVERAGE
COMPUTER-OBSESSED NINNY. SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.
THOSE HES EXHIBITING HIS TALENTS, FROM MOM DAD EVENTUALLY TURN INTO
WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA GET YOUR LEG-FACE OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE -
ALL YOU CAN DO IS REASSURE THEM THAT YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT
REAL LIFE STUFF, WHILE YOU JUST BOOT UP ANOTHER MUD OR IRC OR SOME BULLSHIT
THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF YOUR WORLD OF TELECOM, YOU SOCIALLY DEPRIVED
BASTARD. IT ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO THE IDIOT LOCAL BBS SCENE
DOWNLOAD A HOW TO MAKE A KICK-ASS BONG OUT OF DYNAMITE A RED BOX T-FILE.
TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS ELITE. I HOLD DOWN MY SHIFT KEY, IM NOT ONE OF THOSE
CAPS LOCK PANSIES. OH, I CAN OVERLAY EVERYTHING WITH A GRATUITOUS
COMPUTER PUNS AND SEXUAL INNUENDOS FOR SOME ATTENTION, TOO. HA HA HA!
BUT LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ME. LETS TALK ABOUT YOU.
YOU DO NOTHING. YOURE WORTHLESS. BUT PLEASE KEEP IT UP CAUSE IT
JUST MAKES ME LOOK BETTER.
hey. i can start a zine, too!
starting another stupid-ass ezine? WOW. can i touch you?!
only a select few can be as awesome as i, so please, go ahead dream
about me, you big CYBER-STUD, you. you probably take pride in the fact that
youre the only one in your house that can set the clock on your vcr, idiot.
but we all know that no matter what - in a stupid guys mind, he
always wins.
is this misdirected? maybe. lets just PRETEND im just talking to
myself instead of YOU.
sometimes when i wake up in the morning i seriously forget who i am
it scares the shit out of me. feelin disconnected from people makes you
sickly superior, even if it alienates you. theres a whole growing process
that takes place in the mind eventually generic angst is consuming. you
drive yourself crazy think yourself into a box.
lifes a big no-win situation, an old girlfriend once said to me,
if you relax, youre not doing anything - if im doing anything youre
not relaxed.
WHY SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST WHEN I CAN JUST WRITE FOR DTO? HAHAHA!
its funny how i can analyse things to death in my head, making them
look mediocre meaningless all the time, but they still mean something.
AGREE WITH ME! YEAH, YEAH. ILL SOAK UP SOME MORE MOGEL, I LOVE
HOW YOU WRITE FICTION, TOO!@S.
DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW WHAT CLEVER THOUGHT EVEN IS OR DO YOU JUST NOT
CARE? AS LONG AS IM YELLING, COULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE HELL HASNT
ANYONE EVER BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ALAN FUNT OF CANDID CAMERA? WHAT A
FUCKHEAD!
eventually, you just begin z0ning yourself out with the extremes
the pointlessness becomes the point, over over again. you laugh at your
failures as they pile up into a big stinkin pile you laugh like one crazy
idiot in a sexy-ass were-all-fucked-and-thats-pretty-damn-funny-in-a-
sick-way-so-lets-forget-about-if-its-a-serious-problem-or-not-hey-pass-
the-doughnuts-hey-got-a-piece-of-gum?-i-wonder-if-ill-ever-do-anything-but-
float-around--have-anything-besides-a-rad-text-file--an-affectionately-
named-unix-box type thing.
mE t0o!
so, please, continue to shut up let me do the talking.
7 downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america
by - eerie
recommended soundtrack for this article : sleep asylum, by uzi.
ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS
CONNECT 19200
mogel : dude, that chaos theory thing was pretty rad! so what
are you gonna be writing now?
eerie : well, theres like 20 other chapters of the chaos theory
to come, man.
mogel : great!@ great!@ but dont stop yourself from writing
stuff for dto! like, nonfiction!@ we dig your stuff!@
eerie : er, yeah.
mogel : WE LUB YEW, CANUCK!@
eerie : thats what they all say, yankee.
NO CARRIER
LISTEN UP, JERK. WHAT FOLLOWS HERE IS UNIMPORTANT. ALRIGHT?
just finished eating broccoli soup. feeling pretty fuckin bad.
like, if i put that portishead cd in the player, im gonna cry. fuck that
shit. i tell myself : im way too sensitive.
then i write a couple thoughts on a piece of paper. im alone im
sick. good. angst-ridden randomage. why is it that im so well in my
pathetic state of self-depreciation?
time for a caffeine fix. some guy told me he could get me some
amphetamines. now that would be a trip. non-stop energy. well, a couple
cups of coffee a couple glasses of pepsi should do it for now. cheap
speed, thats what its called.
from the day cobain said : i hate myself i wanna die, no one
could say it again without sounding like a dumbass.
she called up today. shes a chick i used to love more than allowed.
actually, because of her, girls make me puke now. maybe i could, like, turn
gay, but sincerely, i hardly find any guy to be attractive. of course, she
never realized she fucked me up. she never realized anything, in fact. it
could hit her in the face shed ask herself why it hurts so bad all of a
sudden.
so she calls up. hello, long time no talk. i think : great thing
its been a long time say : hello, hows it going? its been the only
moment ive been a liar for the past few weeks, i swear.
we talked. i could care less about what we said. what im sure of
now is that ill probably never tell her to go fuck herself in the ass with
a screwdriver, even if i want to sometimes. i sort of need her as a
balance. shes there. she serves a purpose. well, i think so.
so whats up with you?
me? well, ive been hyperactive sometimes depressed other times.
wanted to kill the world, then myself, then you, then the world again. its
pretty much a cycle, yknow? but instead of changing my moods progressively
every couple weeks, it does it at hyperspace speed, like, couple times a
day. it sure is funny.
me? oh, im alright. what bout you?
im fine.
after a couple useless questions answers, we hung up.
a voice in my head tells me i should smoke a joint now. itd fix
everything. true. but like, ive got nothing to smoke. im gonna have to
endure naked torture in my head with no way of easing it up. wow. what a
deal.
why am i writing this to you, dto reader? why am i standing here,
with my pathetic bare naked feelings? i guess thats cause i know for a
fact that youve got both feet in the same shit im swimming - i mean
drowning in. or maybe youre not into it yet. well, im writing this so
you can at least know how is it. kinda stinks, kid.
i shouldnt have grown up. ill be 21 in a couple months, yknow?
ill be an adult everywhere in this fucking world. sorry, nausea strike.
in dto 7, at the end of my grunge article the one with the long
ass title i wrote : whoo whoo, man. oops, nevermind, wrong article. it
was a reference to an article that i really liked by fake scorpion in an
older issue of dto. for some psyched-out reason it was suppressed, so im
rewriting it here. i really thought it would have been the funniest line of
my article.
tell myself i should write that novel ive been working on lately.
ha-ha-ha. impossible. too much self-censorship from the big ugly grey
thing that serves as a brain somewhere between my right ear my left ear.
not that i cant stop it or something. its there for a purpose : prevents
me from writing what i wrote before.
WOW. HOW POETIC.
notice how im not even talking about sex in this collection of
ramblings. pisses you off, eh?
preparing myself to go to sleep. like im gonna be able to sleep
anyway. its not that i think too much alone in my bed or anything, like i
used to do. its just that im not physically tired enough to actually
sleep.
my head needs a break, though.
im not a psychologist or anything. just checking out the symptoms
if you dont wanna care, you can always kiss my french ass.
but whats your problem, dave?
ill make you guess. it starts with a s and ends with a c, a
h, a i, a z a o.
i told you it was unimportant, but you never listen.
ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS
CONNECT 19200
mogel : dude, that story you did was pretty keen!@
eerie : which story?
mogel : you know, that story about that chick calling you up
all ..
eerie : oh. yeah.
mogel : dude, its all good, but why do you keep writing fiction?
eerie : err .. fiction?
mogel : you mean it wasnt?
eerie : er. yes. of course, it is. its all untrue. at the end
the heros gonna get smashed by a ten-wheeler!@!
mogel : good!@ good!@ i like violent endings! so when are you
gonna write a sequel to the punk article?
eerie : you fool! the punk article WAS fiction!
mogel : true, but it was funny!@
eerie : gee. er, lemme finish this article first, okay?
mogel : of course!@
NO CARRIER
i dont think my mind could ever get through a sleep. its morning
the sun rises up. i spent the night thinking writing that useless crap.
needed to get some fresh air. cant open the window. its winter.
cold. i hate cold. dressed up pretty much like an eskimo. opened the door
faced the outside.
ahh, air.
its been a long time since i last breathed.
here am i, hot particle in the center of the universe were all in
the center of the universe, yknow, a voice that doesnt say anything, a
mind that cant even argue with its own self, eyes that are blinded by a
blatant morning sun - here am i, in the middle of the road, ..
SHIT! WHAT THE .. @@!
smash
8 hate is a bald guy named steve.
by - shadow tao
hey you! cant figure out what to do with those old golf clubs?
bald guy in ugly pants : yeah!
hey you! dont know what to do with your vegetables for tonight?
tired homemaker : yeah!@
hey you! having trouble in your relationships?
worried boyfriend : yes!
hey. we were on a roll there. improv again and youre gone.
worried boyfriend : jeez. youd think for union scale ..
shut yer trap and say it!
worried boyfriend: yeah!@
HATE is americas number one selling emotion! it dices, it slices,
it makes your parents feel bad. you can use it for socks it even does
argyle! the power generated by one person hating is unmeasurable! it cant
be stopped!
watch this! julienne fries!
ka-chunk!
crowd : oooh!
HATE MAKES IT GOOD.
relationship got you down? try it with HATE!
GFs friend : im sure its not as bad as you think it is ..
girlfriend : YES IT IS! I JUST KNOW HE HATES ME!BOOHOOHOO!@
boyfriend : ThATs RiGhT!@ I dO HATe YoU!@@
boyfriend : WAAaAHAaHHHHHH!@ SOB WAAaaAA! ..
HATE MAKES MAKES EVERYTHING OK!
what about k0d3z?, you say? HAH!@ it even does k0d3z!@
housewife : my redbox just wont work any more! im fed up.
HERE. HAVE SOME HATEFUL CODES.
boop boop HATE HATE bewp beep boop
housewife: wow!@ thank you dto!
YES!@ HATE CAN BE YOURS AT THIS lOW lOW PRICE OF JUST 19.99! order
yours today!
WARNING : hate can cause pain in extremities. consult with doctor
before using in any situation. hate may cause dizziness,
swelling, distrust in your fellow man, heart murmur,
callousness, palpitations, ugliness, headache or vengeful
hatred in some pre-1987 congressmen. always follow
directions on label. avoid using small children. do not
use as a liquid. carcinogenic when inhaled.
9 how to make an ansi bomb
by - belial
disclaimer : fuck the disclaimer. if you fuck up man, you must be one
stupid mother-fucker. damn. what the fuck. im sick of all
this shit. first issue and we already fussin with all this
disclaimer shit. fuck that. mother-fucker, just read the
fucking article and shut your rat-fucking mouth. stupid piece
of shit.
this is how you make a fucking ansi bomb. if you dont like it, then
go fuck yourself you stupid shithead. if you do it wrong, then i hope you
die, because you deserve to. dickhead.
shit your punk ass will need
youre going to need this list of shit. if you cant get any of it,
then you must be one fucking stupid asshole.
1 - 5 to 10 colored blocks black 0,0 for super stealth.
2 - 2 gallons of gasoline.
3 - 20 feet of rope or twine.
4 - 15 rolls of ducktape.
5 - 1 lighter.
6 - 1 drill cordless with a 1/2 inch bit.
7 - 1 cork, a little bigger than the drill bit.
8 - 1 plastic jesus.
how to put the fucker together
this is the hard part, asshole. if youre stupid, then get out of my
fucking face. i dont have time for assholes like you. if you fuck this
part up, then you must be queer. were making an ansi bomb - not fucking
hard. my fucking mother can make an ansi bomb and shes a fucking idiot.
if you cant follow these simple steps correctly, then go fuck yourself in
your tight ass, whore!
step 1: assembly
all you have to do is get the colored blocks and stack them up in a
big fucking pile. then, take the ducktape and wrap it around the blocks
until they are all secure in one big happy fucking ducktape ball. youre
almost done shitface.
next, take your fucking drill and bore a big fucking hole in the top
of the ball, through the colored fucking blocks. when you have a pretty big
hole, throw the drill at a little animal and go fetch the fucking gasoline.
pour the gasoline in the hole until it is filled up. if there is any
gasoline left, drink that shit dont leave any evidence to incriminate
yourself, stupid.
now, get the rope and the cork. put one end of the rope into the
hole, then plug the fucker up. if you havent gotten this far, then youre
a fucking dork, deserving to be shot in the fucking brain.
give the assembly to some lamer, and if youre a fucking lamer
yourself, keep it. take the rope, the side not attached to the fucking
bomb, and hide behind some big fucking tree.
step 2: do or die!
take your fucking lighter and light the end of the rope that you
have. unless youre some kind of asshole, you will have the side that
isnt attached to the ansi bomb. blow on it a little or suck if youre
stupid.
wait a few minutes. your stupid ass probably cant comprehend this,
but it takes time for the fucking flame to reach the bomb. if you dont
hear an explosion after 20 minutes, grab the plastic jesus and pray that i
dont find out that you fucked this up, because i will find your ass and
beat the living fuck out of you. shithead. how could you have fucked this
up? any fucking moron, with any kind of goddamn intelligence, could have
done this, asshole.
10 the elf says ..
by - creed
everything is blank in here. i sit, alone, in a dark room, in a dark
house, thinking dark thoughts. this house is completely silent. my cold
fingers slam upon the keyboard as hard as they can, but they dont make a
sound. its quiet in here. there is an elf on my shoulder.
the elf says, how philosophical thou art!
yeah, im being deep. im being deep because i hate being deep. im
being deep because everyone in this world knows that i HATE being deep, and
i just feel like saying, FUCK YOU!
the elf says, ANARCHY! WE HATE THE QUEEN!
the radio is off. normally it would be on .. its always on .. but
its off. its off because i want it to be on. i have an overwhelming urge
to turn it on, but im not gonna do it. these urges are obviously induced
by the government, and i shall not submit to the government. everyone who
works for the government, of course, is a fascist. especially my teachers.
and i hate fascists.
the elf says, right on, man. power to the people.
it hurts when i swallow. it hurts when i breathe. my head is
spinning, and my stomach hurts. im sick and loving it. i feel sad about
how ive fucked up in my life. i feel depressed about how i havent left my house
in months. i feel guilty about musing and writing about how lonely and
misunderstood i am. and my feet are cold.
the elf says, lifes a drag.
i love myself. i am gifted with a mind that is unparalleled. i can
have emotions and ignore them, because i am strong. and i could crush you
if i wanted to, by sheer will alone. i am the most powerful man in the
universe.
the elf says, eye phear!@
i want to change the world and how people think about it! i want to
lead an armada of tormented youth, fighting in a revolution for truth and
justice! i want to be remembered for centuries to come! i want to be
remembered as a god to humankind! but all through this, i want to be cool.
i want to lead my rebellious forces nonchalantly, stoically, not caring
about my own success. because i am strong.
the elf says, hail caesar!
im confused about who i am. being as brilliant and powerful as i
am, i have finally expelled myself from all of societys cheap labels. and
i hate it. finding true individuality has destroyed me .. i dont know what
to feel about certain things, because im not finished with creating my
personality. and ive got to be different. enlightenment is near.
the elf says, you are a true zen master.
yes. i am gifted. i am wise. i am evil. i want to be rich. i
want to be a rock n roll star. i want to be somebody. and i want to kill
that elf right now.
the elf sighs, and vanishes. you fail again.
11 ascii-toons
by - black francis
here are two cartoons i did for the school newspaper in ninth grade.
theyre not particularly funny, but, i thought they would translate nicely
to ascii-toon form.
enjoy.
the drunk : part one
oh, dont even youre drunk off
eeeeee THINK im gonna dddddd eeeeee your ASS your
EE let you drive DD EE reaction time
e oo home in your x@ d e oo becomes GREATLY
condition! impaired when
/----------------- intoxicated.
now, if somebody or
eeeeee something were to dddddd eeeeee dddddd
EE suddenly JUMP out in DD EE DD
e oo front of your car, x@ d e oo x@ d
you wouldnt be able
to stop!
eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd
EE DD EE DD EE DD
e oo x@ d e -- x@ d e oo x@ d
eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd hey, that dddddd
EE DD EE DD is a lie! DD
e oo x@ d e oo x@ d x@ d
the drunk : part two
you know, thats you used to be my
eeeeee it, lenny. thats mm-hm. eeeeee BEST friend, but
EE the LAST straw. i EE now youre just
e oo cannot STAND it e oo DRUNK all the damn
when youre like time, passed out
this! in my bath tub.
youve become a like .. like NOW,
eeeeee MONSTER, totally mm-hm. eeeeee lenny. now would
EE oblivious to EE be the PERFECT
e oo everyone e oo example of what im
everything around talking about!
you! /---------------------
eeeeee YOUR HEAD IS ON FIRE you know, i thought
EE YOU DONT EVEN REALIZE that you, of all /
e oo IT, FOR CRISSAKES! people, would be above x@
such childish pranks.
12 artichoke powder - condiments chapter 563
by - murmur
i should brought nother shirt, this one wrinkle. hueh. oh, things
terrible. can not .. imagine. hungry. aaahhh. i am wake. there oh go.
you can hit sign, yep. too cold they, man. bastard. you so into you too.
banana tasty, pants grease. buy shirt, be back or soon. yah, here is
tricky. go not fish, like taco. scuse, gron. snore. we may have eat
junaid.
moral : avoid the vietnamese.
13 FUCK YOU, HOOKER
by - styx
sucker was a quiet boy. he liked to play his nintendo and watch
wrestling. in school he pretended he worshipped satan so people would leave
him alone - not that he wanted to be left alone, he just didnt know how
to interact with people. sucker took up the drums so he wouldnt have to
take his physical education classes. it was senior year. he just wanted
out.
one day, sucker was removing his black trench coat from his locker
and cuntlick approached. cuntlick was the only girl in school that would
talk to him. he didnt know why. they didnt have anything in common, yet
he somehow felt he could relate to her. it was one of those theres-
something-there-but-im-not-too-sure-what-it-is type things. he never
experienced that before, and secretly delighted in cuntlicks over
friendliness.
whatcha doin, sucker?
FUCK YOU, CUNTLICK.
hehe. youre so WEIRD! say, wanna catch a movie after school?
I CAN SMELL YOUR SLOPPY SLOT FROM HERE. UNCLEANLY BITCH.
just pick me up at 4:00, okay? i have something to show you!
he got home at 3:15, roughly, everyday. fulfilling his post-school
ritual, he vigorously played tetris for a half hour. his mother entered the
room along with a serving of grilled cheese at an exceptionally intense part
of the game. he did several strange things that made her feel emotionally
uncomfortable and she left quickly.
he arrived at cuntlicks modest house at 3:58. cracked paint, small
porch, rocking chairs.. the whole bible-belt-thang. he knocked on the door
and cuntlicks mother answered.
oh, sucker! shell be right with you. one moment.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS A STUPID HOOKER.
she giggled and left to fetch her.
sucker waited patiently in the foyer. he had never been in any other
part of the house. it was like some forbidden zone. he wondered what
amazing things could possibly exist beyond. altars? unusual pets?
antiques? his curiosity got the best of him, and as he was about to proceed
further into the house osecrets, cuntlick arrived.
wait til you see this, sucker! youll absolutely ADORE it! lets
get in the car.
she grabbed his arm and practically dragged him down the driveway.
he repeatedly spat at her face but he kept missing and she wasnt paying
enough attention to notice. upon entering the car there was an awkward
silence. sucker felt he should say something.
I DONT FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME. YOU MAKE ME ILL.
YOU NEED SOME HYPER-POWERED DOUCHE SHIT CAUSE YOURE SKANKING UP MY CAR.
you have such a way with words, she giggled. listen, sucker, i
know this isnt much but i dont have a job right now so i couldnt afford
the REAL thing. anyway, i hope you like it. she trembled with
anticipation as she handed over a matchbox-car replica of a yellow corvette.
the kind of car he had always dreamed of one day getting.
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CLOSE YOUR LEGS? IM SERIOUS, WHORE.
he started the car, threw it in gear, and slammed down on the gas
pedal. with a shudder, the junker plowed down the road headed for the local
movie theater.
so, what do you want to see? i hear that life is great and i love
you is excellent and ive wanted to see it for a while. my parents watched
it last week. bobby and i were going to see it once but we ended up just
hanging out at his place.
sucker winced at the name of her ex-boyfriend. why must she
constantly mention him? he thought. does she think i really want to hear
about him? what, exactly, is wrong with her? he abruptly replied.
WELL I WANT TO SEE CHICK WITH A PLUNGER STUCK UP HER SNATCH AND IF
YOU DONT LIKE IT ILL DRIVE RIGHT INTO THAT TRUCK AND END YOUR MISERABLE
LIFE.
um. i have something to tell you, sucker.
he stared lazily at the road ahead of him and appeared to be
oblivious, but she continued ..
listen. ive been talking to your cousin steve a lot. we hit it
off pretty well. i slept with him last night.
sucker was astonished. what?
hes a nice guy. i also slept with your dad.
my dad?! why? who else? sucker was struggling to control the
vehicle.
well, let me think. steve, your dad.. um. oh yeah. our english
teacher .. and your dog .. and that guy in 7-11 all the time.
sucker just drove, completely dazed. how could she do this? she
knew he liked her. after all, shes the only girl in the whole school he
talked to at all and she knew that. how could she not know?! its so
obvious! why did she even ask him to the movies? what is wrong with her?!
his lack of concentration caused him to run a red light, and before long he
noticed the red and blue flashing lights behind him. sucker pulled over.
the cop approached ..
do you know why im stopping you?
yes.
why?
i ran the red light.
thats right. may i ask why you ra.. the cop stumbled over his
words as his eyes met cuntlicks. er.. hi there. he hesitated. listen,
ill let you guys off with a warning. i suggest you pay closer attention to
the road, okay?
sucker, perplexed, nodded his head. the cop wandered back to his
car.
i slept with the entire police force, too, cuntlick explained.
sucker couldnt bear it any longer. but.. you know i like you! why
are you telling me all of this? why did you do it? is there something
wrong with me? dont you know i care about you? for goodness sake,
cuntlick, its not like i interact with any other girls! you know that! i
just dont understand. what is wrong with you?
cuntlick wasnt too sure what to say. she knew he liked her, but
there wasnt any commitment. nothing was ever discussed. technically, she
did nothing wrong and he had no place to even ask about it. she was
confused.
YOU FUCKING PINDICK PIECE OF SHIT. I ONLY HANG WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU
HAVE A CAR AND YOU CAN BUY ME CIGARETTES. YOU DONT MEAN A THING TO ME.
YOURE A SOCIAL REJECT BASTARD. FUCK YOU.
by the look on suckers face, she hit home. he started shaking and
his face was flushed. how could you say that to me? cuntlick, i think i
lo..
she interrupted. YOU PUSSY-WHIPPED PARASITIC COCKSUCKER. SHUT UP.
i think i love you, he blurted in a fit of blind frustration.
cuntlick was startled. it wasnt like sucker to let his guard down.
does he really mean it? maybe, deep down inside, theres a kind and caring
young man struggling to burst through the surface of an emotionally scarred
shell. what if she could bring him out? what a challenge! what an
achievement if she could pull it off! the thought of saving such a tortured
person as he consumed her like a spreading fire. she had been wrong all
along. now was the perfect time to make up for her mistakes.
oh, sucker, i had no idea! she couldnt believe it. are you
being serious?
sucker was looking down, his hair covering his face. he was gripping
the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. he looked much
like a cornered and scared animal. he timidly attempted a reply.
yes.
im so sorry! oh, i think i feel the same way about you! i just
never gave it a chance in my head, you know? but now! oh, sucker!
she flung herself across the front seat and wrapped her arms around
his shoulders. with a swift movement, sucker slammed her in the teeth with
his elbow and sent her sprawling to the other side of the car. cuntlicks
eyes widened in fear and pain and she clutched her mouth with her hands.
sucker put the car in gear and slammed down on the gas pedal.
HAHA. JUST KIDDING. FUCK YOU, HOOKER.
14 did i mention im a bastard?
by - james hetfield
only in insanity can you possibly find answers. without evil, there
is no good. and only in the shadows is it possible to see the truth.
i, james hetfield, am a bastard. ask anyone ..
atdt1-847-998-0008
connect 28800
welcome to gtalk, detecting ansi.
ansi detected
user id: 427
password: ...........
minor co-sysop login
no new email .. loser.
-- connect main at 00:00:01
-- 427:james hetfield
03:veggie bastard.
04:spooky kid teenage social urges ..
05: com /m469 if you dont like it, dont call.
03:veggie you, scott, are a bastard.
plenty of people know im a bastard. especially me.
now heres the problem deep down inside of me, i think theres some
kind of silver lining, that makes me some kind of messiah or great good
person simply acting angstful.
03:veggie bastard.
what makes me think that i have some kind of good in me, compared to
all the evil i do to each and every person day by day? by all that i use
everyone for, night after night?
04:spooky kid teenage social urges ..
memories haunt every move i make. im supposed to be your friend.
im supposed to be there for you. am i there for you? am i your friend?
or have i become something too twisted, something that i cannot ever return
from? is my mind so processed and packaged that never again will i be able
to console another human being that i am not getting sex from?
yeah, rachel loves me.
but i dont know how to love her.
i do many things to make her feel better, physically, mentally,
emotionally, socially, whatever. i try my best. but is it because i love
her, or because i want her to love me? is it a selfish thing im doing, or
do i truly care about another human being? can i truly care about another
human being?
save me, dr. ruth.
what gives me the power to condemn and yet judge people for every
single action they take? why have i deemed myself the freedom fighter for
every underdog i meet, and the aggravator of every conflict i walk into?
something inside of me dictates that people need to know what i think. so i
write. i argue. i communicate. but is it effective at all?
no matter what i do, you will be you.
i want to change you. i want to make you, if not into me, into
something youre not. i dont care who you are now, i only care what youre
going to be. i want to live my life through each and every one of you.
remind me that all i do is sit around in an empty basement all night,
talking on a chat bbs, why dont you. remind me that my mother and father
are right, and that im wrong, im a stupid rebelling teenager that will
never understand their reasoning. but i do understand their reasoning. and
i dont listen.
i almost typed i dont care, but those are the three most misused
words in the english language.
11:nora i dont care and theres nothing you can do to make me change.
maybe thats what i fear the most. people who are themselves. im
afraid of someone who actually is going to stay the way they are for the
rest of their lives, no matter how frayed or scarred they are. because my
worst fear is being this way all my life.
it would be a life not worth going through.
i have got to be the most motivated person youll ever see that never
uses that motivation to good use. i have ideas in my head, baby, and im
ready and willing to use them. if i had my way, dto would already be big
time, babycakes. wed rule the world. but, progress takes time, and my
mind goes too fast for progress. and bureaucracy takes time, and i, sadly,
believe im a free thinker. id be a damn fine dictator.
05: com /m469 you have a jaded sense of reality, scoot.
i dont think anyone ever explained to me the concept of friendship.
im about as good of keeping lifelong friends as i am at writing happy
childrens books. sidenote: i suck at it. the joels, the steves, they
go away. they start lives away from me. is it my fault? of course not.
people drift apart. but does my concept of my friendship with them have
something to do with the fact that i am a total leech and use someone to
their utmost usage without considering their feelings and their needs? oh.
uhm. yeah. exactly.
did i mention im a bastard?
i bet youre saying this is real morbid. real angsty.
04:spooky kid its goth.
yeah. goth. well, i dont care what anyone says. im fucked up,
and theres no changing that. so put back your crosses and your nails,
theres no crucifixions tonight. just a regular bastard finishing up a
really bad text file with a really stupid conclusion.
15 a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women, children
of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
by - black francis
in honor of the newly enacted telecommunications decency act of 96,
i bring to you a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women,
children of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
youre welcome.
8888 8888888
888888888888888888888888
8888:::8888888888888888888888888
8888::::::8888888888888888888888888888
88::::::::888:::8888888888888888888888888
88888888::::8:::::::::::88888888888888888888
888 8::888888::::::::::::::::::88888888888 888
88::::88888888::::m::::::::::88888888888 8
888888888888888888:M:::::::::::8888888888888
88888888888888888888::::::::::::M88888888888888
8888888888888888888888:::::::::M8888888888888888
8888888888888888888888:::::::M888888888888888888
8888888888888888::88888::::::M88888888888888888888
88888888888888888:::88888:::::M888888888888888 8888
88888888888888888:::88888::::M::o*M*o888888888 88
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8888888888888888888:::8::::::M::aAa::::::::M8888888888 8
88 8888888888::88::::8::::M:::::::::::::888888888888888 8888
88 88888888888:::8:::::::::M::::::::::::88:88888888888888888
8 8888888888888:::::::::::M::@@@@@@@::::8w8888888888888888
88888888888:888::::::::::M:::::@a@:::::M8i888888888888888
8888888888::::88:::::::::M88:::::::::::::M88z88888888888888888
8888888888:::::8:::::::::M88888:::::::::MM888!888888888888888888
888888888:::::8:::::::::M8888888MAmmmAMVMM888*88888888 88888888
888888 M:::::::::::::::M888888888:::::::MM88888888888888 8888888
8888 M::::::::::::::M88888888888::::::MM888888888888888 88888
888 M:::::::::::::M8888888888888M:::::mM888888888888888 8888
888 M::::::::::::M8888:888888888888::::m::Mm88888 888888 8888
88 M::::::::::::8888:88888888888888888::::::Mm8 88888 888
88 M::::::::::8888M::88888::888888888888:::::::Mm88888 88
8 MM::::::::8888M:::8888:::::888888888888::::::::Mm8 4
8M:::::::8888M:::::888:::::::88:::8888888::::::::Mm 2
88MM:::::8888M:::::::88::::::::8:::::888888:::M:::::M
8888M:::::888MM::::::::8:::::::::::M::::8888::::M::::M
88888M:::::88:M::::::::::8:::::::::::M:::8888::::::M::M
88 888MM:::888:M:::::::::::::::::::::::M:8888:::::::::M:
8 88888M:::88::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:88::::::::::::M
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888888MM::88::MM::::::::88@@88:::::::::M:::8::::::::::::::*8
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888 MM:::::::MMM::::::::::::::::MM:::MM:::::::::::::::M
88 M::::::::MMMM:::::::::::MMMM:::::MM::::::::::::MM
88 MM:::::::::MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM::::::::MMM::::::::MMM
88 MM::::::::::::MMMMMMM::::::::::::::MMMMMMMMMM
88 8MM::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMM
8 88MM::::::::::::::::::::::M:::M::::::::MM
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88 8888888M:::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M:::M
8 888888 M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::M:::M:
888888 M::::::M:::::::::::::::::::M:::MM
888888 M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M
888888 M:::::M:::::::::@::::::::::::::M::M
88888 M::::::::::::::@@:::::::::::::::M::M
88888 M::::::::::::::@@@::::::::::::::::M::M
88888 M:::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::M::M
88888 M:::::m::::::::::@::::::::::Mm:::::::M:::M
8888 M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::M:::M
8888 M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::M:::M
888 M:::::Mm::::::::::::::::::::::MMM:::::::::M::::M
8888 MM::::Mm:::::::::::::::::::::MMMM:::::::::m::m:::M
888 M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::M::mm:::M
8888 MM:::::::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::::::::mM::MM:::M:
M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::mM::MM:::Mm
MM::::::m:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM:::MM
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M:::::::::::M:::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MMM
M::::::::::::8888888888M::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MM
M:::::::::::::88888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM
M::::::::::::::888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM
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M:::::::::::::::::88M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
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MM:::::::::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
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M:::::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
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M:::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
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psst. many thanks to pip the angry youth gasp 11 for supplying
the naked chick with big tits.
16 the chaos theory saturday, july 16
by - eerie
woke up at about eleven am, sweating because the heat was still as
dreadful. alone. no one else in the apartment. there was dried sperm on
my belly. got out of bed, went to the kitchen where I found a message by
her.
be back at noon, if youre hungry serve yourself, annie xx
took a shower to be cleansed mostly to just cool down. stayed only
for five minutes, because i didnt know if water was included in the rent.
reclothed myself, jeans t-shirt, moved to the kitchen another
time to eat something like she offered me. didnt abuse, ate three pieces
of toast spread with three-fruit marmalade. there was a scientific magazine
on the table, opened on an article about astronomy saying did we finally
discover the missing mass of the universe? having nothing better to do, i
read it diagonally, turning the pages quickly paying more attention to the
pictures than to the text itself. then the article finished on an
advertisement for a telescope.
while my third toast was toasting, i discovered, in this same
magazine, an article entitled clearing up schizophrenia. the toast wasnt
ready yet, so i started reading it.
we know very little about schizophrenia, that incurable disease,
else than statistics percentages. however, the late scientific
developments about it tend to demonstrate the evidence of the fact that one
of its causes is hidden in the genes.
got cut short by the noise of the toaster spring. took my toast.
read on.
this disease hits one person out of a hundred - in comparison,
cystic diseases or parkinson only affect one person out of a thousand -
most especially young adults between 15 35, with no distinction based on
sex or social status. with the first schizophrenia crisis, all their life
topples down. how could you live a normal affective, familial social life
when you are occupied with hallucinations delirium, particularly when
apathy, retirement within self, disorganization impoverishment of thought,
blunting of emotions or depression isolates you into an unfathomable world?
you cant heal from this disease. excepted from 20 to 25 of the
cases that completely recover from a first schizophrenic episode go back
to a normal life, the rest remain dependent on medication for all their
life. it is not wondered at, that 10 to 15 of schizophrenics attempt
suicide.
stopped eating. my eyes were fixed to the article. i dont know
just exactly why, but since then im sure i am a future schizo. i mean, one
person out of a hundred, thats what the magazine said. i could easily be
the person out of a hundred. since no one is it. no one that i know,
that is.
i had predilections, thats a fact. with my two or three badly
hidden emotional crisis every month, i knew for long there was something
wrong incurable with my brain. that was it, of course. ive been okay
for too long. it would be my future, my impossible life.
on the counter i caught sight of a couple magazines, scientific or
not, all with something in common : they all featured something about
schizophrenia. i turned over the pages my panic increased. while
reading, i started planning my future according to that new reality. i was
gonna have my first real crisis sooner or later. i had to do everything,
create everything before, so i could get crazy as i please. i was afraid,
but at the same time was accepting that idea that always inhabited me one
day, id fall into mental disease. it was the thing i feared the most. one
day i read somewhere what the thing you fear will most likely happen to you
than something you dont fear. maybe its false, but in my opinion the
things you run away from always tend to get back to you.
i had to realize my ultimate work until that time, quick.
annie entered the apartment. i faked a smile, so did she.
went walking outside. its even hotter today.
uh-huh.
she was dressed simply, wide blue jeans the same striped shirt she
had the day before - the same sandals, too. she looked more serene, too.
you ate?
yeah.
you dont seem to look right.
im okay. i just woke up, thats all.
oh.
she remained silent for five seconds.
forget everything i could have said yesterday.
yes, of course. if you want so.
please, she insisted.
dont worry.
i sat on her bed pulled on my shoes.
youre going already?
think so, yeah. i must - go back to my place. silence. can i
see you again?
of course. the doors always open. come whenever. it - itll be
someone to talk to, yknow ..
i delicately caressed her hair smiled.
then i took the bus, where i met melanie. sat near her after she
said hello to me.
hello.
im having pretty encounters in the bus. how are you doing, miss?
she looked flattered.
not too bad at all.
she replaced a lock of her hair, beautiful red, long hair, moved by
the draught coming from the window.
you?
usual.
its been long since you told me, like, im going well, melanie.
do i have to conclude that you dont feel anything anymore?
uh, i dunno. there was yesterday. yesterday i was -
i retained myself for a moment.
i was feeling alright.
really? cool. but thats not happening all the time, right?
you cant have it all. why, youre happy 24 hours a day?
not really, lets say 20 hours a day.
she laughed, i laughed too. the convo was getting cheesy.
the rest of the time?
she did as if she never got asked.
hows your girlfriend doing?
shes doing alright.
i didnt even know if you were still with her. well, is it the same
one? cynthia?
yes, always, forever.
you talk like its a burden. she smiled.
i was getting near my place, so i rang the bell. said bye, specified
that we could talk about that another day. left the bus, entered the 369,
67th street, second floor, apartment 5. the door wasnt locked.
i said hello to whoever, got an answer from cynthia, who was
watching tv in the kitchen.
youre late.
it was 25 past noon. she appeared in the corridor.
you could have called up.
im sorry. where i slept over they dont own a phone.
where did you sleep over?
wasnt looking at her, was changing t-shirts in the bedroom. i
talked with a tired tone.
youre not my mom.
she didnt answer.
you know, i passed beyond the oedipus complex. i dont need to see
my mom through my girlfriends anymore.
she spoke calmly.
alright, its okay. i dont have to know where you slept over. but
id like it if you could tell me when you spend the night elsewhere.
i know ..
i fixed my eyes on hers said come here. i kissed her made her
fall on the bed, her mouth made a high-pitched squeal.
id like to get rid of that stupid discussion.
uh-huh.
it ended up with a fuck, with as a soundtrack the tv news the
weather forecasts : hot, muggy weather for the full next week.
note: the article quoted in this chapter is translated from parts of
elucider la schizophrenie, by diane dontigny, released in contact,
spring-summer edition, 1994. never asked permission to use this article,
i hope they wont mind.
17 frannies poetry corner
by - black francis
there will never be another day
there will never be another day
that you will spend with me
BUT THATS OK BECAUSE YOURE A BITCH ANYWAY, YOU WHORE.
everything
i give you everything you want
i say the words you long to hear
when you need my help i lend a hand
when you need to talk i lend an ear
BUT YOU STILL WONT RETURN MY PHONE CALLS, YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS CUNT.
so, the concepts been beaten into the ground as it is. who cares?
its still fuckin funny.
18 doomed to obscurity wacky fold-in
by - black francis
if you dont know how these things work, you should really get out
more.
q : what do i think
you should do?
a b
o o i o o
please direct all dto correspondence towards - doomed@voicenet.com
call that stupid place - doomed to obscuritys bbs system - 215-985-0462
to get on the dto mailing list - send mail to dto@prism.net with
the body of the message saying subscribe dto.
c copyright 1996 doomed to obscurity productions - all rights reserved.
better living through sheer idiocy a whole lot of free time.
issue of everyones favorite family-fun zine ..
iiiiii iiii iiii iiiii iiiii
!!!! !!!! iiiiii !!!!! !!!!!
Yss YssY YssY
doomed to obscurity issue eight - released march 17th, 1996.
1 straight outta hatboro
by - black francis
youve *relentlessly*
thats it, mogel. im . attacked my lifestyle
sick tired of all your @ personal
stupid straight edge jokes. @ beliefs i will
o o i quit, you facist bastard. o o o o *NOT* put up with
it any longer!
o / - O -,------------------
ok. im sorry, bF. please, . OK, WHEN DO I START?
write for dto again. @
@ /
o o o o /
o o
sure, ive sold myself out. but, then again, who hasnt?
welcome back, suckers. its time for another round with your good
buddy black francis.
THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
dont hurt me! im fragile!
I DIDNT THINK SO, MOTHERBITCH.
anywho, lets get right down to the nitty-gritty. since mogel
*really* wanted to make a big deal about my re-joining the staff of
doomed to obscurity, i was going to have THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself
guest-write the editorial for this issue but he was kind of busy so im just
going to grab my cat, pretend like hes THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, slam his
paws on the keyboard.
i apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused anyone.
thanks for your understanding.
*ahem*
.. now, a word from THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself
xz sdnb bsbdb nndjdjcsnderf,kmn n bn b dnx ndfdcd nnc
k MM,MAMMAKkssk,k,k,,mx,m xxm,dx mx m di dcnmnj jjj
ow. the fucker scratched me.
hmph.
ANYWAY ..
youll have to excuse me, kids, for ive been in an extremely giddy
mood lately. lots of fantastic things have been happening in my life
theyve all had a suprisingly positive effect on me my usually piss-poor
attitude. maybe ill write about it if i can find the time cause, as you
all very well known, i am a virtual graphomaniac1.
1 graphomaniac - one who is crazy about writing. also see inside
joke.
enough about me. lets see whats new in the doomed to obscurity
news department
at the request of our anal-retentive writers, i have ceased replacing
all of their ands with ampersands.
picky bastards.
also, for all you web-surfers cyber-punks idiots, the new
improved doomed to obscurity web page is up fully functional. check it
out at : http://www.prism.net/dto/
tell em mike hunt sent you.
get it? mike hunt. ah-hahahaha.
no? uh. say it *really* fast. like, together. mikehunt. hahaha.
whoo, thats a good one. eh. anyway i may be dumb, but im not a dweeb.
im just a sucker with no self-esteem.
phew. i kill me.
ok. enough of that news bullshit. lets get back to talking about
me.
my side-project music-only zine, kill your head, is currently
in its final stages of completion. now, dont hold me to this, but if i
release it at *all*, you can expect the first issue later this month.
included are album reviews, music-related articles this months issue has
articles on the punk revival moshing, whatever else i can squeeze in
that seems to fit the bill.
thatll make *two* zines i can never finish on time.
im so bad.
anyway i really need to cut down on my anyways. hey, uh, if anyone
can think up any decent replacement words besides anywho, please mail
them to the doomed to obscurity correspondence address with the title
re : anyway. id be ever-so-grateful., ive been withholding the goods
long enough. on with the zaniness!
2 doomed to obscurity eight all contents therein ..
1 - straight outta hatboro
by - black francis
2 - doomed to obscurity eight all contents therein ..
by - black francis
3 - an ode to noodles
by - black francis
4 - dewmed - part one
by - james hetfield
5 - monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th,
1973
by - black francis
6 - me three!@
by - mogel
7 - downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america
by - eerie
8 - hate is a bald guy named steve
by - shadow tao
9 - how to make an ansi bomb
by - belial
10 - the elf says ..
by - creed
11 - ascii-toons
by - black francis
12 - artichoke powder - condiments chapter 563
by - murmur
13 - FUCK YOU, HOOKER
by - styx
14 - did i mention im a bastard?
by - james hetfield
15 - a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women, children
of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
by - black francis
16 - the chaos theory saturday, july 16
by - eerie
17 - frannies poetry corner
by - black francis
18 - doomed to obscurity wacky fold-in
by - black francis
3 an ode to noodles
by - black francis
this is heartfully dedicated to all the noodles in the audience.
noodles noodles, i love you.
you taste so damn good in my stew.
youre so delicious, i must say,
thats why i eat you every day.
4 dewmed - part one
by - james hetfield
mogel : can you believe it? 6 telecom legends living in the same house?
tao : if spending all our time together doesnt produce the best zine
ever, i dunno what will.
JH : why do i feel like im in an episode of the young ones?
bF : fuck you, hetfield. cock sucking bastard.
eerie : trees@!@@!
.. so it began. the ultimate zine experiment. if you lock six
telecom legends in a house for infinity, they should produce hamlet, right?
JH : ill take this room.
mogel : thats my room, jamesy.
JH : ok. ill take this one, then.
bF : fuck off. whose fucking shit do you see in there, you
retard?
JH : fine. ill take this room.
eerie : uhh .. thats my room, i think.
JH : no, eerie, youll be sleeping in that room.
eerie : oh. ok.
murmur : do0d! that is like my room, do0d!
eerie : oh. ill take that room then.
bF : fuck off, jackass.
eerie : oh.
after they settled in, they got themselves into a writing groove.
murmur : do0d! wanna hear my newest condiment? its 3145 : goat
cheeze!@
JH : it sucks.
murmur : oh.
mogel : i like it, murmur.
murmur : do0d!
tao : i just finished dto vs. the amish, part 13!
JH : it sucks.
bF : GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, HETFIELD.
as you can see, everything was perfectly normal. but, a funny thing
happened friday, october 13, 1996. murmur woke up to find eeries head
splattered across the bathroom walls. the only clue left was a small note
that read :
tree this, you facist bastard@!@@!@!!
dto immediately had an emergency meeting.
fake scorpion : i dunno guys. this doesnt look good. but, what
do you expect from a society like the one we live
in? as my mentor, william b. corgan would say ..
all except tao : THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE ..
bF : fuck you all. stop fucking looking at me like that, you
bastard cock suckers. ive been framed. i couldnt have
written that shitty note. the asshole who written that fucking
piece of shit didnt fucking use fucking words id use,
damnit.
JH : hes right. not a single swear on the entire note. but who
would frame you, bF?
bF : HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? JESUS CHRIST.
so, the dto crew pillaged frannies room for any evidence. all they
found were 215 empty beer bottles three pixies albums with cum stains all
over them.
murmur : do0d! there are no codez here!!!!
mogel : hmm. we could search everyones rooms, but this is a
family zine.
tao : yeah.
JH : hey, where did fake scorpion go? come to think of it, where
is eightball? he was here a while ago ..
bF : fuck. we lost two more writers .. no one is fucking
writing anymore anyway - all those fucking shithead 908ers
never fucking stop bothering me for the new fucking dto.
FUCK IT. I QUIT.
tao : yeah.
murmur : do0d! you cant quit@@!@! not in the middle of a
story@!!!@
bF : wanna bet?
.. with that, frannie disappeared. they found his body in the
broom closet fifteen minutes later, stacked neatly on top of eightballs
fake scorpions.
murmur : do0d! now frannie cant come back become head editor
quit come back become head editor again!
tao : yeah.
JH : dont worry. this is only a story, guys. its not real.
tao : STORY??? STOP@! STOP THE STORY@!@
JH just broke the realistic element of this story!
clap, clap
JH : thanks. way to go absurdity!@!@!@
.. meanwhile ..
demonseed : eye have them right where i want them!
muahahahahha@@!!@!
.. to be continued ..
rattle : hey!@! when does everyone get to see my cameo appearance
find out im really the homicidal maniac?
next issue, rattle. next issue.
5 monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th,
1973
by - black francis
a riot which kills one, injures thirty-six, does over eight
hundred thousand dollars in damages erupts on a golf course in orlando,
florida after british tourist nigel hornsworth compliments black tourist
jerome fisher, vacationing in the area with his wife twelve year-old
daughter, on his nice pair of knickers.
* source : the orlando times courier. 15 july, 1973.
6 me three!@
by - mogel
i fuckin rock. thats all there really is to it.
you see, my friend, im a functional loser, but i still rock oh-so
much harder than YOU - yes, i do find this to be a sad, sad world where
someone as lame pathetic as me actually TOWERS above so many people in
just so many ways. i simply kick ass.
you know sometimes i devote my precious time actually thinking of
crazy-ass concepts for innovative t-files. things that HAVENT been done
before. i bet you people forget every sentence youre reading right now
holds every essence of my being. yup.
im supposed to be a writer here i am, writing, in a sick way it
blows my mind that whatever i type right here now is going to be read by
you others for all time. thousands upon thousands of eyes will be seeing
doomed to obscurity forever. were the best. were legends were aware
of it. do you even UNDERSTAND that kind of pressure, kid? dont you wanna
have something that is funny, intelligent, witty, well-written, actually
SAYS something? isnt THAT the point of what were doing? otherwise, why
bother?
so, being the omnipotent being that i am, ive ive developed a knack
for psycho-babbling about nothing in particular, making a point of it.
this is a rant about rants. this is something pointless - that is its
point.
wanna hear a story? i bet you do.
the other day while i was waiting for the bus i carried on a full-on
rockin conversation with some smelly-ass, old homeless guy named ralph on
the street comparing humanity to a piece of lint. he was one hip
motherfucker im sure if i was homeless, this is the kinda guy id like to
be. when youre that awesome, you can be a bum get away with it.
ive been working on my own subculture of being a jackass. i get
some insane kick out of rubbing open wounds with total strangers pissing
em off. did you ever notice how people are pretty unaccepting of their
problems? say, for example, my head was a turnip. if someone made fun of
me, id just be like yeah, my head is a turnip. no shit. man, were you
born this stupid or did you undergo some kind of special training? move on
with your pathetic life, bastard. - thatd be it. the issue would be
over with. but for some reason people cant seem to adapt to my anarchy.
go figure.
what made me this way?
i look around my room its filled with books all about art film
philosophy, but all of that stuff is hogwash to me cause ive twisted
mixed everything ive ever learned read into one big, simple mass. maybe
thats why im so fuckin pheared.
okay, LETS TALK ABOUT SOME PHEAR. TRY LOOKING AT THE AVERAGE
COMPUTER-OBSESSED NINNY. SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.
THOSE HES EXHIBITING HIS TALENTS, FROM MOM DAD EVENTUALLY TURN INTO
WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA GET YOUR LEG-FACE OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE -
ALL YOU CAN DO IS REASSURE THEM THAT YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT
REAL LIFE STUFF, WHILE YOU JUST BOOT UP ANOTHER MUD OR IRC OR SOME BULLSHIT
THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF YOUR WORLD OF TELECOM, YOU SOCIALLY DEPRIVED
BASTARD. IT ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO THE IDIOT LOCAL BBS SCENE
DOWNLOAD A HOW TO MAKE A KICK-ASS BONG OUT OF DYNAMITE A RED BOX T-FILE.
TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS ELITE. I HOLD DOWN MY SHIFT KEY, IM NOT ONE OF THOSE
CAPS LOCK PANSIES. OH, I CAN OVERLAY EVERYTHING WITH A GRATUITOUS
COMPUTER PUNS AND SEXUAL INNUENDOS FOR SOME ATTENTION, TOO. HA HA HA!
BUT LETS NOT TALK ABOUT ME. LETS TALK ABOUT YOU.
YOU DO NOTHING. YOURE WORTHLESS. BUT PLEASE KEEP IT UP CAUSE IT
JUST MAKES ME LOOK BETTER.
hey. i can start a zine, too!
starting another stupid-ass ezine? WOW. can i touch you?!
only a select few can be as awesome as i, so please, go ahead dream
about me, you big CYBER-STUD, you. you probably take pride in the fact that
youre the only one in your house that can set the clock on your vcr, idiot.
but we all know that no matter what - in a stupid guys mind, he
always wins.
is this misdirected? maybe. lets just PRETEND im just talking to
myself instead of YOU.
sometimes when i wake up in the morning i seriously forget who i am
it scares the shit out of me. feelin disconnected from people makes you
sickly superior, even if it alienates you. theres a whole growing process
that takes place in the mind eventually generic angst is consuming. you
drive yourself crazy think yourself into a box.
lifes a big no-win situation, an old girlfriend once said to me,
if you relax, youre not doing anything - if im doing anything youre
not relaxed.
WHY SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST WHEN I CAN JUST WRITE FOR DTO? HAHAHA!
its funny how i can analyse things to death in my head, making them
look mediocre meaningless all the time, but they still mean something.
AGREE WITH ME! YEAH, YEAH. ILL SOAK UP SOME MORE MOGEL, I LOVE
HOW YOU WRITE FICTION, TOO!@S.
DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW WHAT CLEVER THOUGHT EVEN IS OR DO YOU JUST NOT
CARE? AS LONG AS IM YELLING, COULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE HELL HASNT
ANYONE EVER BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ALAN FUNT OF CANDID CAMERA? WHAT A
FUCKHEAD!
eventually, you just begin z0ning yourself out with the extremes
the pointlessness becomes the point, over over again. you laugh at your
failures as they pile up into a big stinkin pile you laugh like one crazy
idiot in a sexy-ass were-all-fucked-and-thats-pretty-damn-funny-in-a-
sick-way-so-lets-forget-about-if-its-a-serious-problem-or-not-hey-pass-
the-doughnuts-hey-got-a-piece-of-gum?-i-wonder-if-ill-ever-do-anything-but-
float-around--have-anything-besides-a-rad-text-file--an-affectionately-
named-unix-box type thing.
mE t0o!
so, please, continue to shut up let me do the talking.
7 downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america
by - eerie
recommended soundtrack for this article : sleep asylum, by uzi.
ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS
CONNECT 19200
mogel : dude, that chaos theory thing was pretty rad! so what
are you gonna be writing now?
eerie : well, theres like 20 other chapters of the chaos theory
to come, man.
mogel : great!@ great!@ but dont stop yourself from writing
stuff for dto! like, nonfiction!@ we dig your stuff!@
eerie : er, yeah.
mogel : WE LUB YEW, CANUCK!@
eerie : thats what they all say, yankee.
NO CARRIER
LISTEN UP, JERK. WHAT FOLLOWS HERE IS UNIMPORTANT. ALRIGHT?
just finished eating broccoli soup. feeling pretty fuckin bad.
like, if i put that portishead cd in the player, im gonna cry. fuck that
shit. i tell myself : im way too sensitive.
then i write a couple thoughts on a piece of paper. im alone im
sick. good. angst-ridden randomage. why is it that im so well in my
pathetic state of self-depreciation?
time for a caffeine fix. some guy told me he could get me some
amphetamines. now that would be a trip. non-stop energy. well, a couple
cups of coffee a couple glasses of pepsi should do it for now. cheap
speed, thats what its called.
from the day cobain said : i hate myself i wanna die, no one
could say it again without sounding like a dumbass.
she called up today. shes a chick i used to love more than allowed.
actually, because of her, girls make me puke now. maybe i could, like, turn
gay, but sincerely, i hardly find any guy to be attractive. of course, she
never realized she fucked me up. she never realized anything, in fact. it
could hit her in the face shed ask herself why it hurts so bad all of a
sudden.
so she calls up. hello, long time no talk. i think : great thing
its been a long time say : hello, hows it going? its been the only
moment ive been a liar for the past few weeks, i swear.
we talked. i could care less about what we said. what im sure of
now is that ill probably never tell her to go fuck herself in the ass with
a screwdriver, even if i want to sometimes. i sort of need her as a
balance. shes there. she serves a purpose. well, i think so.
so whats up with you?
me? well, ive been hyperactive sometimes depressed other times.
wanted to kill the world, then myself, then you, then the world again. its
pretty much a cycle, yknow? but instead of changing my moods progressively
every couple weeks, it does it at hyperspace speed, like, couple times a
day. it sure is funny.
me? oh, im alright. what bout you?
im fine.
after a couple useless questions answers, we hung up.
a voice in my head tells me i should smoke a joint now. itd fix
everything. true. but like, ive got nothing to smoke. im gonna have to
endure naked torture in my head with no way of easing it up. wow. what a
deal.
why am i writing this to you, dto reader? why am i standing here,
with my pathetic bare naked feelings? i guess thats cause i know for a
fact that youve got both feet in the same shit im swimming - i mean
drowning in. or maybe youre not into it yet. well, im writing this so
you can at least know how is it. kinda stinks, kid.
i shouldnt have grown up. ill be 21 in a couple months, yknow?
ill be an adult everywhere in this fucking world. sorry, nausea strike.
in dto 7, at the end of my grunge article the one with the long
ass title i wrote : whoo whoo, man. oops, nevermind, wrong article. it
was a reference to an article that i really liked by fake scorpion in an
older issue of dto. for some psyched-out reason it was suppressed, so im
rewriting it here. i really thought it would have been the funniest line of
my article.
tell myself i should write that novel ive been working on lately.
ha-ha-ha. impossible. too much self-censorship from the big ugly grey
thing that serves as a brain somewhere between my right ear my left ear.
not that i cant stop it or something. its there for a purpose : prevents
me from writing what i wrote before.
WOW. HOW POETIC.
notice how im not even talking about sex in this collection of
ramblings. pisses you off, eh?
preparing myself to go to sleep. like im gonna be able to sleep
anyway. its not that i think too much alone in my bed or anything, like i
used to do. its just that im not physically tired enough to actually
sleep.
my head needs a break, though.
im not a psychologist or anything. just checking out the symptoms
if you dont wanna care, you can always kiss my french ass.
but whats your problem, dave?
ill make you guess. it starts with a s and ends with a c, a
h, a i, a z a o.
i told you it was unimportant, but you never listen.
ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS
CONNECT 19200
mogel : dude, that story you did was pretty keen!@
eerie : which story?
mogel : you know, that story about that chick calling you up
all ..
eerie : oh. yeah.
mogel : dude, its all good, but why do you keep writing fiction?
eerie : err .. fiction?
mogel : you mean it wasnt?
eerie : er. yes. of course, it is. its all untrue. at the end
the heros gonna get smashed by a ten-wheeler!@!
mogel : good!@ good!@ i like violent endings! so when are you
gonna write a sequel to the punk article?
eerie : you fool! the punk article WAS fiction!
mogel : true, but it was funny!@
eerie : gee. er, lemme finish this article first, okay?
mogel : of course!@
NO CARRIER
i dont think my mind could ever get through a sleep. its morning
the sun rises up. i spent the night thinking writing that useless crap.
needed to get some fresh air. cant open the window. its winter.
cold. i hate cold. dressed up pretty much like an eskimo. opened the door
faced the outside.
ahh, air.
its been a long time since i last breathed.
here am i, hot particle in the center of the universe were all in
the center of the universe, yknow, a voice that doesnt say anything, a
mind that cant even argue with its own self, eyes that are blinded by a
blatant morning sun - here am i, in the middle of the road, ..
SHIT! WHAT THE .. @@!
smash
8 hate is a bald guy named steve.
by - shadow tao
hey you! cant figure out what to do with those old golf clubs?
bald guy in ugly pants : yeah!
hey you! dont know what to do with your vegetables for tonight?
tired homemaker : yeah!@
hey you! having trouble in your relationships?
worried boyfriend : yes!
hey. we were on a roll there. improv again and youre gone.
worried boyfriend : jeez. youd think for union scale ..
shut yer trap and say it!
worried boyfriend: yeah!@
HATE is americas number one selling emotion! it dices, it slices,
it makes your parents feel bad. you can use it for socks it even does
argyle! the power generated by one person hating is unmeasurable! it cant
be stopped!
watch this! julienne fries!
ka-chunk!
crowd : oooh!
HATE MAKES IT GOOD.
relationship got you down? try it with HATE!
GFs friend : im sure its not as bad as you think it is ..
girlfriend : YES IT IS! I JUST KNOW HE HATES ME!BOOHOOHOO!@
boyfriend : ThATs RiGhT!@ I dO HATe YoU!@@
boyfriend : WAAaAHAaHHHHHH!@ SOB WAAaaAA! ..
HATE MAKES MAKES EVERYTHING OK!
what about k0d3z?, you say? HAH!@ it even does k0d3z!@
housewife : my redbox just wont work any more! im fed up.
HERE. HAVE SOME HATEFUL CODES.
boop boop HATE HATE bewp beep boop
housewife: wow!@ thank you dto!
YES!@ HATE CAN BE YOURS AT THIS lOW lOW PRICE OF JUST 19.99! order
yours today!
WARNING : hate can cause pain in extremities. consult with doctor
before using in any situation. hate may cause dizziness,
swelling, distrust in your fellow man, heart murmur,
callousness, palpitations, ugliness, headache or vengeful
hatred in some pre-1987 congressmen. always follow
directions on label. avoid using small children. do not
use as a liquid. carcinogenic when inhaled.
9 how to make an ansi bomb
by - belial
disclaimer : fuck the disclaimer. if you fuck up man, you must be one
stupid mother-fucker. damn. what the fuck. im sick of all
this shit. first issue and we already fussin with all this
disclaimer shit. fuck that. mother-fucker, just read the
fucking article and shut your rat-fucking mouth. stupid piece
of shit.
this is how you make a fucking ansi bomb. if you dont like it, then
go fuck yourself you stupid shithead. if you do it wrong, then i hope you
die, because you deserve to. dickhead.
shit your punk ass will need
youre going to need this list of shit. if you cant get any of it,
then you must be one fucking stupid asshole.
1 - 5 to 10 colored blocks black 0,0 for super stealth.
2 - 2 gallons of gasoline.
3 - 20 feet of rope or twine.
4 - 15 rolls of ducktape.
5 - 1 lighter.
6 - 1 drill cordless with a 1/2 inch bit.
7 - 1 cork, a little bigger than the drill bit.
8 - 1 plastic jesus.
how to put the fucker together
this is the hard part, asshole. if youre stupid, then get out of my
fucking face. i dont have time for assholes like you. if you fuck this
part up, then you must be queer. were making an ansi bomb - not fucking
hard. my fucking mother can make an ansi bomb and shes a fucking idiot.
if you cant follow these simple steps correctly, then go fuck yourself in
your tight ass, whore!
step 1: assembly
all you have to do is get the colored blocks and stack them up in a
big fucking pile. then, take the ducktape and wrap it around the blocks
until they are all secure in one big happy fucking ducktape ball. youre
almost done shitface.
next, take your fucking drill and bore a big fucking hole in the top
of the ball, through the colored fucking blocks. when you have a pretty big
hole, throw the drill at a little animal and go fetch the fucking gasoline.
pour the gasoline in the hole until it is filled up. if there is any
gasoline left, drink that shit dont leave any evidence to incriminate
yourself, stupid.
now, get the rope and the cork. put one end of the rope into the
hole, then plug the fucker up. if you havent gotten this far, then youre
a fucking dork, deserving to be shot in the fucking brain.
give the assembly to some lamer, and if youre a fucking lamer
yourself, keep it. take the rope, the side not attached to the fucking
bomb, and hide behind some big fucking tree.
step 2: do or die!
take your fucking lighter and light the end of the rope that you
have. unless youre some kind of asshole, you will have the side that
isnt attached to the ansi bomb. blow on it a little or suck if youre
stupid.
wait a few minutes. your stupid ass probably cant comprehend this,
but it takes time for the fucking flame to reach the bomb. if you dont
hear an explosion after 20 minutes, grab the plastic jesus and pray that i
dont find out that you fucked this up, because i will find your ass and
beat the living fuck out of you. shithead. how could you have fucked this
up? any fucking moron, with any kind of goddamn intelligence, could have
done this, asshole.
10 the elf says ..
by - creed
everything is blank in here. i sit, alone, in a dark room, in a dark
house, thinking dark thoughts. this house is completely silent. my cold
fingers slam upon the keyboard as hard as they can, but they dont make a
sound. its quiet in here. there is an elf on my shoulder.
the elf says, how philosophical thou art!
yeah, im being deep. im being deep because i hate being deep. im
being deep because everyone in this world knows that i HATE being deep, and
i just feel like saying, FUCK YOU!
the elf says, ANARCHY! WE HATE THE QUEEN!
the radio is off. normally it would be on .. its always on .. but
its off. its off because i want it to be on. i have an overwhelming urge
to turn it on, but im not gonna do it. these urges are obviously induced
by the government, and i shall not submit to the government. everyone who
works for the government, of course, is a fascist. especially my teachers.
and i hate fascists.
the elf says, right on, man. power to the people.
it hurts when i swallow. it hurts when i breathe. my head is
spinning, and my stomach hurts. im sick and loving it. i feel sad about
how ive fucked up in my life. i feel depressed about how i havent left my house
in months. i feel guilty about musing and writing about how lonely and
misunderstood i am. and my feet are cold.
the elf says, lifes a drag.
i love myself. i am gifted with a mind that is unparalleled. i can
have emotions and ignore them, because i am strong. and i could crush you
if i wanted to, by sheer will alone. i am the most powerful man in the
universe.
the elf says, eye phear!@
i want to change the world and how people think about it! i want to
lead an armada of tormented youth, fighting in a revolution for truth and
justice! i want to be remembered for centuries to come! i want to be
remembered as a god to humankind! but all through this, i want to be cool.
i want to lead my rebellious forces nonchalantly, stoically, not caring
about my own success. because i am strong.
the elf says, hail caesar!
im confused about who i am. being as brilliant and powerful as i
am, i have finally expelled myself from all of societys cheap labels. and
i hate it. finding true individuality has destroyed me .. i dont know what
to feel about certain things, because im not finished with creating my
personality. and ive got to be different. enlightenment is near.
the elf says, you are a true zen master.
yes. i am gifted. i am wise. i am evil. i want to be rich. i
want to be a rock n roll star. i want to be somebody. and i want to kill
that elf right now.
the elf sighs, and vanishes. you fail again.
11 ascii-toons
by - black francis
here are two cartoons i did for the school newspaper in ninth grade.
theyre not particularly funny, but, i thought they would translate nicely
to ascii-toon form.
enjoy.
the drunk : part one
oh, dont even youre drunk off
eeeeee THINK im gonna dddddd eeeeee your ASS your
EE let you drive DD EE reaction time
e oo home in your x@ d e oo becomes GREATLY
condition! impaired when
/----------------- intoxicated.
now, if somebody or
eeeeee something were to dddddd eeeeee dddddd
EE suddenly JUMP out in DD EE DD
e oo front of your car, x@ d e oo x@ d
you wouldnt be able
to stop!
eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd
EE DD EE DD EE DD
e oo x@ d e -- x@ d e oo x@ d
eeeeee dddddd eeeeee dddddd hey, that dddddd
EE DD EE DD is a lie! DD
e oo x@ d e oo x@ d x@ d
the drunk : part two
you know, thats you used to be my
eeeeee it, lenny. thats mm-hm. eeeeee BEST friend, but
EE the LAST straw. i EE now youre just
e oo cannot STAND it e oo DRUNK all the damn
when youre like time, passed out
this! in my bath tub.
youve become a like .. like NOW,
eeeeee MONSTER, totally mm-hm. eeeeee lenny. now would
EE oblivious to EE be the PERFECT
e oo everyone e oo example of what im
everything around talking about!
you! /---------------------
eeeeee YOUR HEAD IS ON FIRE you know, i thought
EE YOU DONT EVEN REALIZE that you, of all /
e oo IT, FOR CRISSAKES! people, would be above x@
such childish pranks.
12 artichoke powder - condiments chapter 563
by - murmur
i should brought nother shirt, this one wrinkle. hueh. oh, things
terrible. can not .. imagine. hungry. aaahhh. i am wake. there oh go.
you can hit sign, yep. too cold they, man. bastard. you so into you too.
banana tasty, pants grease. buy shirt, be back or soon. yah, here is
tricky. go not fish, like taco. scuse, gron. snore. we may have eat
junaid.
moral : avoid the vietnamese.
13 FUCK YOU, HOOKER
by - styx
sucker was a quiet boy. he liked to play his nintendo and watch
wrestling. in school he pretended he worshipped satan so people would leave
him alone - not that he wanted to be left alone, he just didnt know how
to interact with people. sucker took up the drums so he wouldnt have to
take his physical education classes. it was senior year. he just wanted
out.
one day, sucker was removing his black trench coat from his locker
and cuntlick approached. cuntlick was the only girl in school that would
talk to him. he didnt know why. they didnt have anything in common, yet
he somehow felt he could relate to her. it was one of those theres-
something-there-but-im-not-too-sure-what-it-is type things. he never
experienced that before, and secretly delighted in cuntlicks over
friendliness.
whatcha doin, sucker?
FUCK YOU, CUNTLICK.
hehe. youre so WEIRD! say, wanna catch a movie after school?
I CAN SMELL YOUR SLOPPY SLOT FROM HERE. UNCLEANLY BITCH.
just pick me up at 4:00, okay? i have something to show you!
he got home at 3:15, roughly, everyday. fulfilling his post-school
ritual, he vigorously played tetris for a half hour. his mother entered the
room along with a serving of grilled cheese at an exceptionally intense part
of the game. he did several strange things that made her feel emotionally
uncomfortable and she left quickly.
he arrived at cuntlicks modest house at 3:58. cracked paint, small
porch, rocking chairs.. the whole bible-belt-thang. he knocked on the door
and cuntlicks mother answered.
oh, sucker! shell be right with you. one moment.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS A STUPID HOOKER.
she giggled and left to fetch her.
sucker waited patiently in the foyer. he had never been in any other
part of the house. it was like some forbidden zone. he wondered what
amazing things could possibly exist beyond. altars? unusual pets?
antiques? his curiosity got the best of him, and as he was about to proceed
further into the house osecrets, cuntlick arrived.
wait til you see this, sucker! youll absolutely ADORE it! lets
get in the car.
she grabbed his arm and practically dragged him down the driveway.
he repeatedly spat at her face but he kept missing and she wasnt paying
enough attention to notice. upon entering the car there was an awkward
silence. sucker felt he should say something.
I DONT FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME. YOU MAKE ME ILL.
YOU NEED SOME HYPER-POWERED DOUCHE SHIT CAUSE YOURE SKANKING UP MY CAR.
you have such a way with words, she giggled. listen, sucker, i
know this isnt much but i dont have a job right now so i couldnt afford
the REAL thing. anyway, i hope you like it. she trembled with
anticipation as she handed over a matchbox-car replica of a yellow corvette.
the kind of car he had always dreamed of one day getting.
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CLOSE YOUR LEGS? IM SERIOUS, WHORE.
he started the car, threw it in gear, and slammed down on the gas
pedal. with a shudder, the junker plowed down the road headed for the local
movie theater.
so, what do you want to see? i hear that life is great and i love
you is excellent and ive wanted to see it for a while. my parents watched
it last week. bobby and i were going to see it once but we ended up just
hanging out at his place.
sucker winced at the name of her ex-boyfriend. why must she
constantly mention him? he thought. does she think i really want to hear
about him? what, exactly, is wrong with her? he abruptly replied.
WELL I WANT TO SEE CHICK WITH A PLUNGER STUCK UP HER SNATCH AND IF
YOU DONT LIKE IT ILL DRIVE RIGHT INTO THAT TRUCK AND END YOUR MISERABLE
LIFE.
um. i have something to tell you, sucker.
he stared lazily at the road ahead of him and appeared to be
oblivious, but she continued ..
listen. ive been talking to your cousin steve a lot. we hit it
off pretty well. i slept with him last night.
sucker was astonished. what?
hes a nice guy. i also slept with your dad.
my dad?! why? who else? sucker was struggling to control the
vehicle.
well, let me think. steve, your dad.. um. oh yeah. our english
teacher .. and your dog .. and that guy in 7-11 all the time.
sucker just drove, completely dazed. how could she do this? she
knew he liked her. after all, shes the only girl in the whole school he
talked to at all and she knew that. how could she not know?! its so
obvious! why did she even ask him to the movies? what is wrong with her?!
his lack of concentration caused him to run a red light, and before long he
noticed the red and blue flashing lights behind him. sucker pulled over.
the cop approached ..
do you know why im stopping you?
yes.
why?
i ran the red light.
thats right. may i ask why you ra.. the cop stumbled over his
words as his eyes met cuntlicks. er.. hi there. he hesitated. listen,
ill let you guys off with a warning. i suggest you pay closer attention to
the road, okay?
sucker, perplexed, nodded his head. the cop wandered back to his
car.
i slept with the entire police force, too, cuntlick explained.
sucker couldnt bear it any longer. but.. you know i like you! why
are you telling me all of this? why did you do it? is there something
wrong with me? dont you know i care about you? for goodness sake,
cuntlick, its not like i interact with any other girls! you know that! i
just dont understand. what is wrong with you?
cuntlick wasnt too sure what to say. she knew he liked her, but
there wasnt any commitment. nothing was ever discussed. technically, she
did nothing wrong and he had no place to even ask about it. she was
confused.
YOU FUCKING PINDICK PIECE OF SHIT. I ONLY HANG WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU
HAVE A CAR AND YOU CAN BUY ME CIGARETTES. YOU DONT MEAN A THING TO ME.
YOURE A SOCIAL REJECT BASTARD. FUCK YOU.
by the look on suckers face, she hit home. he started shaking and
his face was flushed. how could you say that to me? cuntlick, i think i
lo..
she interrupted. YOU PUSSY-WHIPPED PARASITIC COCKSUCKER. SHUT UP.
i think i love you, he blurted in a fit of blind frustration.
cuntlick was startled. it wasnt like sucker to let his guard down.
does he really mean it? maybe, deep down inside, theres a kind and caring
young man struggling to burst through the surface of an emotionally scarred
shell. what if she could bring him out? what a challenge! what an
achievement if she could pull it off! the thought of saving such a tortured
person as he consumed her like a spreading fire. she had been wrong all
along. now was the perfect time to make up for her mistakes.
oh, sucker, i had no idea! she couldnt believe it. are you
being serious?
sucker was looking down, his hair covering his face. he was gripping
the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. he looked much
like a cornered and scared animal. he timidly attempted a reply.
yes.
im so sorry! oh, i think i feel the same way about you! i just
never gave it a chance in my head, you know? but now! oh, sucker!
she flung herself across the front seat and wrapped her arms around
his shoulders. with a swift movement, sucker slammed her in the teeth with
his elbow and sent her sprawling to the other side of the car. cuntlicks
eyes widened in fear and pain and she clutched her mouth with her hands.
sucker put the car in gear and slammed down on the gas pedal.
HAHA. JUST KIDDING. FUCK YOU, HOOKER.
14 did i mention im a bastard?
by - james hetfield
only in insanity can you possibly find answers. without evil, there
is no good. and only in the shadows is it possible to see the truth.
i, james hetfield, am a bastard. ask anyone ..
atdt1-847-998-0008
connect 28800
welcome to gtalk, detecting ansi.
ansi detected
user id: 427
password: ...........
minor co-sysop login
no new email .. loser.
-- connect main at 00:00:01
-- 427:james hetfield
03:veggie bastard.
04:spooky kid teenage social urges ..
05: com /m469 if you dont like it, dont call.
03:veggie you, scott, are a bastard.
plenty of people know im a bastard. especially me.
now heres the problem deep down inside of me, i think theres some
kind of silver lining, that makes me some kind of messiah or great good
person simply acting angstful.
03:veggie bastard.
what makes me think that i have some kind of good in me, compared to
all the evil i do to each and every person day by day? by all that i use
everyone for, night after night?
04:spooky kid teenage social urges ..
memories haunt every move i make. im supposed to be your friend.
im supposed to be there for you. am i there for you? am i your friend?
or have i become something too twisted, something that i cannot ever return
from? is my mind so processed and packaged that never again will i be able
to console another human being that i am not getting sex from?
yeah, rachel loves me.
but i dont know how to love her.
i do many things to make her feel better, physically, mentally,
emotionally, socially, whatever. i try my best. but is it because i love
her, or because i want her to love me? is it a selfish thing im doing, or
do i truly care about another human being? can i truly care about another
human being?
save me, dr. ruth.
what gives me the power to condemn and yet judge people for every
single action they take? why have i deemed myself the freedom fighter for
every underdog i meet, and the aggravator of every conflict i walk into?
something inside of me dictates that people need to know what i think. so i
write. i argue. i communicate. but is it effective at all?
no matter what i do, you will be you.
i want to change you. i want to make you, if not into me, into
something youre not. i dont care who you are now, i only care what youre
going to be. i want to live my life through each and every one of you.
remind me that all i do is sit around in an empty basement all night,
talking on a chat bbs, why dont you. remind me that my mother and father
are right, and that im wrong, im a stupid rebelling teenager that will
never understand their reasoning. but i do understand their reasoning. and
i dont listen.
i almost typed i dont care, but those are the three most misused
words in the english language.
11:nora i dont care and theres nothing you can do to make me change.
maybe thats what i fear the most. people who are themselves. im
afraid of someone who actually is going to stay the way they are for the
rest of their lives, no matter how frayed or scarred they are. because my
worst fear is being this way all my life.
it would be a life not worth going through.
i have got to be the most motivated person youll ever see that never
uses that motivation to good use. i have ideas in my head, baby, and im
ready and willing to use them. if i had my way, dto would already be big
time, babycakes. wed rule the world. but, progress takes time, and my
mind goes too fast for progress. and bureaucracy takes time, and i, sadly,
believe im a free thinker. id be a damn fine dictator.
05: com /m469 you have a jaded sense of reality, scoot.
i dont think anyone ever explained to me the concept of friendship.
im about as good of keeping lifelong friends as i am at writing happy
childrens books. sidenote: i suck at it. the joels, the steves, they
go away. they start lives away from me. is it my fault? of course not.
people drift apart. but does my concept of my friendship with them have
something to do with the fact that i am a total leech and use someone to
their utmost usage without considering their feelings and their needs? oh.
uhm. yeah. exactly.
did i mention im a bastard?
i bet youre saying this is real morbid. real angsty.
04:spooky kid its goth.
yeah. goth. well, i dont care what anyone says. im fucked up,
and theres no changing that. so put back your crosses and your nails,
theres no crucifixions tonight. just a regular bastard finishing up a
really bad text file with a really stupid conclusion.
15 a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women, children
of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
by - black francis
in honor of the newly enacted telecommunications decency act of 96,
i bring to you a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women,
children of *all* ages to view distribute freely.
youre welcome.
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psst. many thanks to pip the angry youth gasp 11 for supplying
the naked chick with big tits.
16 the chaos theory saturday, july 16
by - eerie
woke up at about eleven am, sweating because the heat was still as
dreadful. alone. no one else in the apartment. there was dried sperm on
my belly. got out of bed, went to the kitchen where I found a message by
her.
be back at noon, if youre hungry serve yourself, annie xx
took a shower to be cleansed mostly to just cool down. stayed only
for five minutes, because i didnt know if water was included in the rent.
reclothed myself, jeans t-shirt, moved to the kitchen another
time to eat something like she offered me. didnt abuse, ate three pieces
of toast spread with three-fruit marmalade. there was a scientific magazine
on the table, opened on an article about astronomy saying did we finally
discover the missing mass of the universe? having nothing better to do, i
read it diagonally, turning the pages quickly paying more attention to the
pictures than to the text itself. then the article finished on an
advertisement for a telescope.
while my third toast was toasting, i discovered, in this same
magazine, an article entitled clearing up schizophrenia. the toast wasnt
ready yet, so i started reading it.
we know very little about schizophrenia, that incurable disease,
else than statistics percentages. however, the late scientific
developments about it tend to demonstrate the evidence of the fact that one
of its causes is hidden in the genes.
got cut short by the noise of the toaster spring. took my toast.
read on.
this disease hits one person out of a hundred - in comparison,
cystic diseases or parkinson only affect one person out of a thousand -
most especially young adults between 15 35, with no distinction based on
sex or social status. with the first schizophrenia crisis, all their life
topples down. how could you live a normal affective, familial social life
when you are occupied with hallucinations delirium, particularly when
apathy, retirement within self, disorganization impoverishment of thought,
blunting of emotions or depression isolates you into an unfathomable world?
you cant heal from this disease. excepted from 20 to 25 of the
cases that completely recover from a first schizophrenic episode go back
to a normal life, the rest remain dependent on medication for all their
life. it is not wondered at, that 10 to 15 of schizophrenics attempt
suicide.
stopped eating. my eyes were fixed to the article. i dont know
just exactly why, but since then im sure i am a future schizo. i mean, one
person out of a hundred, thats what the magazine said. i could easily be
the person out of a hundred. since no one is it. no one that i know,
that is.
i had predilections, thats a fact. with my two or three badly
hidden emotional crisis every month, i knew for long there was something
wrong incurable with my brain. that was it, of course. ive been okay
for too long. it would be my future, my impossible life.
on the counter i caught sight of a couple magazines, scientific or
not, all with something in common : they all featured something about
schizophrenia. i turned over the pages my panic increased. while
reading, i started planning my future according to that new reality. i was
gonna have my first real crisis sooner or later. i had to do everything,
create everything before, so i could get crazy as i please. i was afraid,
but at the same time was accepting that idea that always inhabited me one
day, id fall into mental disease. it was the thing i feared the most. one
day i read somewhere what the thing you fear will most likely happen to you
than something you dont fear. maybe its false, but in my opinion the
things you run away from always tend to get back to you.
i had to realize my ultimate work until that time, quick.
annie entered the apartment. i faked a smile, so did she.
went walking outside. its even hotter today.
uh-huh.
she was dressed simply, wide blue jeans the same striped shirt she
had the day before - the same sandals, too. she looked more serene, too.
you ate?
yeah.
you dont seem to look right.
im okay. i just woke up, thats all.
oh.
she remained silent for five seconds.
forget everything i could have said yesterday.
yes, of course. if you want so.
please, she insisted.
dont worry.
i sat on her bed pulled on my shoes.
youre going already?
think so, yeah. i must - go back to my place. silence. can i
see you again?
of course. the doors always open. come whenever. it - itll be
someone to talk to, yknow ..
i delicately caressed her hair smiled.
then i took the bus, where i met melanie. sat near her after she
said hello to me.
hello.
im having pretty encounters in the bus. how are you doing, miss?
she looked flattered.
not too bad at all.
she replaced a lock of her hair, beautiful red, long hair, moved by
the draught coming from the window.
you?
usual.
its been long since you told me, like, im going well, melanie.
do i have to conclude that you dont feel anything anymore?
uh, i dunno. there was yesterday. yesterday i was -
i retained myself for a moment.
i was feeling alright.
really? cool. but thats not happening all the time, right?
you cant have it all. why, youre happy 24 hours a day?
not really, lets say 20 hours a day.
she laughed, i laughed too. the convo was getting cheesy.
the rest of the time?
she did as if she never got asked.
hows your girlfriend doing?
shes doing alright.
i didnt even know if you were still with her. well, is it the same
one? cynthia?
yes, always, forever.
you talk like its a burden. she smiled.
i was getting near my place, so i rang the bell. said bye, specified
that we could talk about that another day. left the bus, entered the 369,
67th street, second floor, apartment 5. the door wasnt locked.
i said hello to whoever, got an answer from cynthia, who was
watching tv in the kitchen.
youre late.
it was 25 past noon. she appeared in the corridor.
you could have called up.
im sorry. where i slept over they dont own a phone.
where did you sleep over?
wasnt looking at her, was changing t-shirts in the bedroom. i
talked with a tired tone.
youre not my mom.
she didnt answer.
you know, i passed beyond the oedipus complex. i dont need to see
my mom through my girlfriends anymore.
she spoke calmly.
alright, its okay. i dont have to know where you slept over. but
id like it if you could tell me when you spend the night elsewhere.
i know ..
i fixed my eyes on hers said come here. i kissed her made her
fall on the bed, her mouth made a high-pitched squeal.
id like to get rid of that stupid discussion.
uh-huh.
it ended up with a fuck, with as a soundtrack the tv news the
weather forecasts : hot, muggy weather for the full next week.
note: the article quoted in this chapter is translated from parts of
elucider la schizophrenie, by diane dontigny, released in contact,
spring-summer edition, 1994. never asked permission to use this article,
i hope they wont mind.
17 frannies poetry corner
by - black francis
there will never be another day
there will never be another day
that you will spend with me
BUT THATS OK BECAUSE YOURE A BITCH ANYWAY, YOU WHORE.
everything
i give you everything you want
i say the words you long to hear
when you need my help i lend a hand
when you need to talk i lend an ear
BUT YOU STILL WONT RETURN MY PHONE CALLS, YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS CUNT.
so, the concepts been beaten into the ground as it is. who cares?
its still fuckin funny.
18 doomed to obscurity wacky fold-in
by - black francis
if you dont know how these things work, you should really get out
more.
q : what do i think
you should do?
a b
o o i o o
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