rusted
b l e nd e r
34 our mission is to do
minate
blender dirty whore that which we created
See, its a story about a man and lady well,, no, its
not. Its about a
not-so mentally stable hacker living in a beaten downtown fl
at living with his
three legged, four nutted boxer pup named peppy and his love
r, who was really
just full of hot air if you know what I mean.
Well, hello, my names Rob. Yes, im the great mad hacke
r that rampages
through your twenty-five columned screen. See, i just woke
up to my damned gimpdog twenty minutes ago, and im h
ungry. Not the hungry you and I feel but the
hungry, you know, to get rid of the sleeping symptoms. I ha
ve a whole box full
of fruit loops, seems like ive had them for a decade, who c
ares about the damn
expiration dates anymore, if it tastes good eat it, well tha
ts my problem. In
all my lazy ways I have finally come across running out of s
omething important,
milk, this cereal is completely impossible to eat and enjoy
without that certainsoggy taste. So, I better get my
ass down to the supermarket. I shove the evilcereal
back into its cabinet for later. Amazingly men at t
his age still wear
pjs to bed, and, well, uhhmhmmhm, at least I do. So, witho
ut further ado I
get the keys to my voltswagon bus, these are the cars dreams
are made of.
I turn the key, and the engine yawns at me. It really d
oesnt seem to
want to wakeup either today, but the engine doesnt need mil
k with gasoline.
After, say about two hours of fiddling with the bus, ive fo
und the problem, my
stupid-ass neighbors gangster eight year old took my spark p
lug again. I march
up the stairs and on the way up their I run into my old fian
ce Anne, and she
puts the spark plug in my hand saying something of that litt
le shit was using itas some kind of anal penetrator.
Well, she offered to go on a date with me to
the drive-in again. I got back down to my parking space and
drove off, on my
way to the supermarket I saw what had to be the most ghastli
est moron trying to get a ride. This black guy was i
n a speedo, on the biggest road in New York,
what a moron. His hair was dyed in a peculiar fashion, it a
lmost looked like
Juanita the whores bush, but hed need a little more green
hair dye for that
one. I arrive, finally, at the beloved supermarket, and I f
ind I had barely
enough gasoline to park my car after it cut-out on me six ti
mes trying to back
in to a space in the lot. Their is this huge sale going on
at the supermarket,
its amassing all the way down the sidewalk of the plaza, th
e cheap speakers areblaring things about sales that e
ven ewheat erhhmmm god would have not been ableto und
erstand.
Well, I have a new problem, I have no money. My wallet
is forty miles
away at my flat. I begin to poke around the many sales, boo
ths, and rattle at
those annoying few who attempt to carry out their time teste
d sales bitch i meanpitch on me. It really became an
noying, some rat-bastard tried to sell me a .05horse-
power vacuum that ran on an aaa battery. Pretty pathe
tic, huh? Well, wheni turned around to go see the ste
reo special I glanced back and found he ripped
the entire thing of an advanced swedish made penis enlarger,
jeez, did he seem
wrapped up in his marketing tools, ive got Anne to do tha
t to me, I think sherates around four or five horsepo
wer. Well, I remembered the good old days whenI was
nuts about hooking up and nigger-rigging stereo-system
s for all of my bestbuds. I saw among the show-case
of impressive equipment an un-assembled stereo,I need
ed the money, and I figured it wouldnt take all that
long so I asked the man in charge of the booth if I c
ould do it for say five bucks, and he said go
for it. Off I went, the thing was operating to the beats of
the village people
in less then two hours. So, he handed me my money, and I he
aded off into the
store leaving the people at the booth in village people hell
. I bought my milk,I was happy, but shit, I didnt h
ave any gasoline money, and no change, since I
burned the rest on that nice looking girl in the alley by th
e supermarket. All,this fussing about seems to have
woken me up, but I still have my milk, so, I
drank some of it, and sat down, seeing the sky darken, and I
headed off down theroad into the sunset, but then, u
gh, this ugly guy came around.
The man drove up to me, his face smiling, his face ugly.
. Ive never
seen someone uglier then he was, but he gave me good advice,
1800COLLECT, and a
pay-phone seemed to appear out of no-where on the side of th
e road so i went
inside and while I was wading through the torrents of messag
es these little kidsbegan pressing their faces up aga
inst the phone-booths transparent walls, and Itook o
ut my nightstick, you find the strangest things in you
r hands after your
done with that nice girl in the supermarket alley, talk abou
t kinky. Well I
called Anne, she picked me up, it took half an hour, but it
was fun to beat the hell out of children. Off into t
he sunset, but Anne didnt want me for sex, sheneeded
me to hack her bank account and change her balance, b
ut i made my mind,
hack for sex, now thats the business. We had many children,
and I had many
successful hacks, they never did catch me, that just proves
how stupid they are.
Till next time....
Signing off...
Rusted