March 1998 dedicated to absolutely nothing. In fact if you are reading this, then you have entirely way too much time on your hands.
contents
1 introdookshun ............................. spoon ontooishphoo
2 out of my mind ............................ bocephus feces
3 Flow Charts of FUN! ....................... assorted
4 Procrastination ........................... otnooishphoo
5 Titanic - The Directors Cut ............... Soema
6 CRUSH - An Epic in 30 Parts ............... Cthulu
1 introdookshun - by spoon otnooishphoo
Well, it has been over 5 years since the first issue
of Spoon was written. So long in fact, that I cannot even
find the old issue. GOD DAMN! But in the interest of
stupidity, and good old fucking moronics. I am going to
do one more issue. Now, if anyone out there in modem land
knows where I can find a copy of Spoon 0, please let me know.
I WANT IT. NOW!
Anywayz.. in this issue we will feature really old
articles, that were going to be put into the second issue
way back in 1993. But that never happened. So, we will
also be featuring some new things, which I have stolen from
local networks in the 604. FUCK YOU WHINERS.
2 Out of my Mind Bocephus Feces
* First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple
Smarties, but theyve since ceased to make them with cool
shades. I believe theyre being simultaneously sued by
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
Societys Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them
Ive spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New
York. Weve all heard about him, yknow, that guy whose dick
fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke. Well I
Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today. If hes
still alive, that poor bastard, I believe Id like to shake his
hand. Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for
that matter, after all I dont know where hes been. However...
I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his
important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks.
I Know Ill never consider injecting my penis with any foreign
substance again. All because of one mans startlingly
groundbreaking idea!
Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray
no-stick cooking spray up my nose. I was very fortunate not
to be born too curious because I have since found out that it
is lethal. Thats right, once again we need to give thanks
to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino
California. We are all human well at least I am, I assume that
you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all
those non-sentient un-men out there. We all have the desire
to discover the unknown. To comprehend the illogical. To
grab science by the short hairs and say, Youve got a ways to
yet! We experiment, hey its what we do. But why should we
only applaud the successful. I at least believe in that age old
belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes.
On, and heres a tip for the ladies: If you are going to douche
with lighter fluid, dont stand near an open flame.
the end.
The Red Smarties Predicament
Editors Note
Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published
the thought provoking essay The Signifigance of Red Smarties.
Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned
readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still
others from unemployable psychotics. People of all ages, races
and sexual orientation have written us. Some try to correct us,
others blatently debunk us. We cannot over emphasize what a
bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU PEOPLE ARE! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT
WE PUBLISHED WAS ONE MANS OPINION! YOU READ IT, YOU THINK ABOUT
IT, YOU AGREE, YOU DISAGREE. WERE NOT SAYING HE IS RIGHT!
So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are
reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally
opinioned letters.
the end.
letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling
to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy.
p/o box 7429
Cocks R Us
New Westminster Quay
Feature Survey: What kind of Bastard are you?
Scenario 1: Youre on the bus, theres one seat left but its in
the old people section, you see an elderly woman with
blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo
parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat.
Do you:
-10 A: Let her take the seat, after all shes elderly and...
5 B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat,
if you cant have it, no one can.
20 C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench
you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special
dress off, throw her off the bus through the window
and keep her shopping bags.
10 D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off
the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive
mother.
Scenario 2: Youre at a major sporting event, theres a 20 minute
line up for the bathroom.
Do you:
-10 A: Wait in line like everyone else.
5 B: Find a corner.
10 C: Who needs corners?
20 D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up.
Scenario 3: Youre out slumming, youve been approached by the
same panhandler 4 times, hes drunk, scruffy and
really pissing you off!
You:
-10 A: Give him money hoping hell go away.
5 B: Get him arrested.
10 C: Beat him up.
20 D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money,
booze and clothes, and then get him arrested.
Scenario 4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell
rings. You can see through the peephole in the door
that its a couple of girl guides with cookies.
You:
-10 A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies.
5 B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave.
10 C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies.
50 D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses,
ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies...
the end.
* The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor.
Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES.
* The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown. He has
been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in
metrotown.
3 Flow Charts of FUN! stolen from cci and tabnet
Date: 6:45 pm Sun Feb 8, 1998 Number : 58 of 63
From: Felt-Pen Fingers! Base : tabnet: butterfly.net
Stat: Sent Origin : 08 Feb 98 16:15:29
Not too deep. Kissing in a less-than-platonic manner is enough to
get you drawn onto the flow chart. Cooties are very infectious. In fact,
they spread across time and space.
Lets think up a hypothetical situation.
Happydude, a tabber, is dating Sabreena The Teenage Witch, a langley
chatboarder. We would draw that like this:
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
During their relationship, Happydude has a brief stint of drug-
induced unfaithfulness and makes out with Aurora Borealis, another tabber.
This would be drawn like this:
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Aurora Borealis
Aurora Borealis, in turn, has previously dated/slept with three
other tabbers.
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
This implicates Sabreena in all the comings and goings of NOT ONLY
Happydude, to whom she has been completely faithful, but also of Aurora,
Sir Ganja, Don Quixote, and King of Pudding a notorious womanizer.
Furthermore, before he started seeing Sabreena, Happydude had a brief
homosexual encounter with The Lavender Menace.
The Lavender Menace
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
Eventually, Sabreena herself, jaded by the internal quarrels and
soap operas that taint her efnet family, seeks solace in the arms of the
mysterious and guarded individual known only as The Great Prophet of the
Quran.
The Lavender Menace Great Prophet of the Quran
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
Happydude responds by weeping on the expansive bosom of King of
Puddings ex-lover, Malefica.
The Lavender Menace Great Prophet of the Quran
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Malefica
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
As you can see, it only gets more complicated from hereon in.
Eventually, Skankin Poultry, another tabber, sees it fit to point out
to all concerned just how riddled they are with cooties. She draws up a
very incomplete flowchart and is beaten about the head with those
inflatable Edvard Munch Scream toys by unpleased audience members who
do not enjoy seeing their sexual pasts reduced to enneagrams.
At a tension-filled meet where three different couples pair off and
make out in corners much to the chagrin of The Lonely Hunter, who writes
sheer volumes of poetry on the event and posts them in the Cabbage Base,
Skankin Poultry is poisoned by a particularily insidious batch of Blue.
Her hands, feet, and teeth are removed and incinerated, and her body
interred in one of the Metrotown planters. She dies regretting that she
never shared even a chaste kiss with the unrequited love of her life, Mr.
Poodle, who is currently attached to Voluminous Lola, another of King of
Puddings conquests, etc. etc.
* Origin: Hello, nice to meet you. FUCK YOU! 31:3373/0
Date: 10:20 am Wed Feb 25, 1998 Number : 11 of 14
From: Sexy Base : cci Lit
Stat: Sent Origin : 24 Feb 98 16:16:30
Hiya...
A typical hackers morning wake up.
Whats a
Are there No Are there hamper? Are there clothes No Buy
clothes in-+--clothes in -+--+--+--- strewn in random -+-- more
dresser? the hamper? piles on the floor? clothes
Yes Yes Yes
V
Take whatever
is on top
V V
-+--+--- No -+--+--+- -+--+--+---
Is -+--+--+-- Perform Ohmigosh Spray
it Not sure smell -+--+--+--+- with
clean? -+--+--+-- test deodorant
Yes Not bad
V
For underwear: Which ones are Will they I may get Place item on
Are there many for my legs? be arrested. dirty pile
holes? -+--+--+--+--+--- visible?-+--+--+--+-- start over
No No
V
Is it Yes Do you Yes But would you rather have a tick on
wrinkled?-+---really care?-+--- your eyeball than iron a shirt?
No No Yes
V
Kinda Seek the
Does -+--+--+--+--+--- Is it No advice What
it Does it what? dark -+-- of the -+--+-- is
match? -+--+--+--+--+--- out? opposite sex?
-+--+--- -+--+-- sex -+--+--
Yes Yes -+--+--+-
V V
Put on Go to keyboard Go to
clothes! -+--+--+--+-- for daily fix -+--+--- bathroom
* Origin: H.I.C. D.B.S. Powered by OS/2 Warp v4.0 66:3030/0
4 Procastination, an ongoing report otnooishphoo
In our last Issue 5 years ago, we started an ongoing
report on Procrastination. We feel it is in the best interest
of society to study and properly research this phenomenom.
A lot has happened since our last issue 5 years ago.
Well, ok, so nothing has happened. But how can you expect
us to do a proper examination, unless we fully test all the
possibilities.. I promise, that next issue we will have
something a little more substantial for your review.
5 Titanic, the directors Cut Soema
Date: 4:00 am Thu Mar 12, 1998 Number : 65 of 65
From: Soema Base : tabnet: film.festival
Stat: Sent Origin : 12 Mar 98 00:55:57
Many of you have seen the film Titanic, which is about a great big boat
that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just
now getting worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women
here- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why.
Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you,
so you think theres a chance the movie will end differently if you see
it again?
Do you think this is a Choose Your Own Adventure movie? Because its
not.
No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the
same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his
noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic
took only four hours the movie is easily three times that long. Note
to reader From the following choices, select the this-movie-is-too-long
line you like best and go with it.
Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.
Many marriages do not last as long as this movie.
I had to shave twice during this movie.
Three Eastern European nations Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk were
formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay
which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a
shorter version of Titanic. All I want in return is a lot of money.
Scene 1
KATE WINSLET Why, this is a fancy boat, isnt it?
KATES WEASELLY FIANCE Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist named Picasso. I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90s audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO Hello, Im Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on
my brooding face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE While youre doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancees life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because youre poor, and then Ill probably be physically abusive to my
fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to
make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps Ill throw an
elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, youre trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we
hate you! Boo! Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming
between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he
is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!
Scene 2
LEONARDO Im glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into
the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I
am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience
forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my
fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you have to take off your clothes.
KATE But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?
LEONARDO I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will
sell out.
NARRATOR According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE All right, then. sound of clothes hitting the floor
Scene 3
FIRST MATE Captain, were about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN Great, I could use some ice for my drink. sound of drinking
ICEBERG hits boat
FIRST MATE That cant be good.
CAPTAIN Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE silence
FIRST MATE That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE Baa! Moo! Wheres Leonardo?
Scene 4
LEONARDO I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE That is terrible
LEONARDO Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE aside Im getting the raw end of the deal here to
Leonardo Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-
annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe,
here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that
we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO Why dont you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE Because then you wouldnt be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, youre going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE Dont spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO Hes right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE Aww, look how cute he is when hes doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE I hate you people.
Scene 5
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE And thats when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadnt been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, hes pretty much dead
now, and Im well over a thousand years old, and whos making my supper? I
need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, its making my ears hurt. You kids
today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Dont you walk away
from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! Id turn you over my knee, if I had one.
Ill beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
Fade to black roll credits play annoying Celine Dion song.
* Origin: subliminal reality three? no. 31:808/455
6 CRUSH! - An Epic in 30 Parts Cthulu
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 280 of 316
From: Zamfir Worshipper Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Pedantik Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:30
P ME AND AIDAN AND STU WILL BE THERE
P STU USED TO BE IN A BOWLING LEAGUE
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
Why does this remind me of those combat-oriented movies where our valiant hero
has been going up against fighter after fighter to prove his worth.. then
finally this old man with a long moustache says bring out Kang! and there
are gongs and these giant iron doors the size of kilimanjaro open and out
walks this enormous, muscled freak wearing a big black mask covering
everything but his eyes, nose and big fat lips and the hero just sort of looks
up and up and up and then the old man cackles gleefully and says
Kang! Crush!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 285 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Pedantik Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:09
P ME AND AIDAN AND STU WILL BE THERE
P STU USED TO BE IN A BOWLING LEAGUE
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
Even me?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 286 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:52
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
ESPECIALLY YOU!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 287 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:59
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
And my dog? What of him?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 288 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:25:38
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 289 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:25:57
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 290 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:26:48
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME OF
THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 291 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:27:26
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
C WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
C WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME O
C THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 292 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:29:09
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
C WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
C WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME O
C THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
C What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
C existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHICH
THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 293 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:29:24
C What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
C existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
C WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
C LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
C SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHIC
C THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
But what of the others, then?
Love, and birdsong?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 294 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:30:09
C WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
C LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
C SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHIC
C THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
C But what of the others, then?
C Love, and birdsong?
THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 295 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:30:22
C But what of the others, then?
C Love, and birdsong?
C THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
C RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 296 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:31:58
C THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
C RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
C Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE IN
OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
APPARATUS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 297 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:32:11
C Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
C WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE
C OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
C CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
C IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
C APPARATUS.
Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 298 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:34:03
C WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE
C OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
C CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
C IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
C APPARATUS.
C Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 299 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:34:19
C Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
C IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
C FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
C AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
C FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
C TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 300 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:00
C IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
C FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
C AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
C FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
C TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
C I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETERS
TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 301 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:12
C I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
C NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETE
C TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
And puppies? Puppy dogs?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 302 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:48
C NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETE
C TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
C And puppies? Puppy dogs?
CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE
PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 303 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:01
C And puppies? Puppy dogs?
C CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYAB
C PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
C AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 304 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:28
C CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYAB
C PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
C AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
C Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
PLEASE, MAN, HAVE SOME RESPECT. WE WOULD NEVER CRUSH CHEESE.
DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 305 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:42
C Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
C PLEASE, MAN, HAVE SOME RESPECT. WE WOULD NEVER CRUSH CHEESE.
C DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 306 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:37:33
C DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
C No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCTS,
AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE IN
ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 307 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:37:42
C No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
C PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
C CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCT
C AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE
C ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
Can I bring some friends?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 308 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:38:13
C PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
C CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCT
C AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE
C ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
C Can I bring some friends?
BRING ALL OF HUMANITY, AND WE WILL MELD MINDS LIKE NEVER TWO SPECIES HAVE
BEFORE!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 309 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:38:22
C Can I bring some friends?
C BRING ALL OF HUMANITY, AND WE WILL MELD MINDS LIKE NEVER TWO SPECIES HAVE
C BEFORE!
Its a meet then.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 310 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: All Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:39:10
C Its a meet then.
CHEESE-MEET 1.0
When? November 21st,2:38 am.
Where? My basement.
What? Cheese eating, or so Im told.
Whuzza? Bring cheese, if youre planning on eating it.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 311 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : All Refer : None
Subj: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:04
WHo showed up:
Cthulu
really powerful alien intelligences
cheese
cheese intelligences too, even more powerful.
We ate the cheese.
Then the cheese ate us.
All in all, the experience was thoroughly enjoyable.
I say we do it again sometime, but in bennys this time cause its more
accessable by transit.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 312 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:20
C All in all, the experience was thoroughly enjoyable.
C I say we do it again sometime, but in bennys this time cause its more
C accessable by transit.
WE WILL CRUSH BENNYS!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 313 of 317
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: 1
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:27
C WE WILL CRUSH BENNYS!
here we go again!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
contents
1 introdookshun ............................. spoon ontooishphoo
2 out of my mind ............................ bocephus feces
3 Flow Charts of FUN! ....................... assorted
4 Procrastination ........................... otnooishphoo
5 Titanic - The Directors Cut ............... Soema
6 CRUSH - An Epic in 30 Parts ............... Cthulu
1 introdookshun - by spoon otnooishphoo
Well, it has been over 5 years since the first issue
of Spoon was written. So long in fact, that I cannot even
find the old issue. GOD DAMN! But in the interest of
stupidity, and good old fucking moronics. I am going to
do one more issue. Now, if anyone out there in modem land
knows where I can find a copy of Spoon 0, please let me know.
I WANT IT. NOW!
Anywayz.. in this issue we will feature really old
articles, that were going to be put into the second issue
way back in 1993. But that never happened. So, we will
also be featuring some new things, which I have stolen from
local networks in the 604. FUCK YOU WHINERS.
2 Out of my Mind Bocephus Feces
* First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple
Smarties, but theyve since ceased to make them with cool
shades. I believe theyre being simultaneously sued by
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
Societys Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them
Ive spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New
York. Weve all heard about him, yknow, that guy whose dick
fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke. Well I
Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today. If hes
still alive, that poor bastard, I believe Id like to shake his
hand. Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for
that matter, after all I dont know where hes been. However...
I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his
important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks.
I Know Ill never consider injecting my penis with any foreign
substance again. All because of one mans startlingly
groundbreaking idea!
Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray
no-stick cooking spray up my nose. I was very fortunate not
to be born too curious because I have since found out that it
is lethal. Thats right, once again we need to give thanks
to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino
California. We are all human well at least I am, I assume that
you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all
those non-sentient un-men out there. We all have the desire
to discover the unknown. To comprehend the illogical. To
grab science by the short hairs and say, Youve got a ways to
yet! We experiment, hey its what we do. But why should we
only applaud the successful. I at least believe in that age old
belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes.
On, and heres a tip for the ladies: If you are going to douche
with lighter fluid, dont stand near an open flame.
the end.
The Red Smarties Predicament
Editors Note
Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published
the thought provoking essay The Signifigance of Red Smarties.
Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned
readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still
others from unemployable psychotics. People of all ages, races
and sexual orientation have written us. Some try to correct us,
others blatently debunk us. We cannot over emphasize what a
bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU PEOPLE ARE! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT
WE PUBLISHED WAS ONE MANS OPINION! YOU READ IT, YOU THINK ABOUT
IT, YOU AGREE, YOU DISAGREE. WERE NOT SAYING HE IS RIGHT!
So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are
reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally
opinioned letters.
the end.
letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling
to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy.
p/o box 7429
Cocks R Us
New Westminster Quay
Feature Survey: What kind of Bastard are you?
Scenario 1: Youre on the bus, theres one seat left but its in
the old people section, you see an elderly woman with
blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo
parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat.
Do you:
-10 A: Let her take the seat, after all shes elderly and...
5 B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat,
if you cant have it, no one can.
20 C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench
you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special
dress off, throw her off the bus through the window
and keep her shopping bags.
10 D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off
the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive
mother.
Scenario 2: Youre at a major sporting event, theres a 20 minute
line up for the bathroom.
Do you:
-10 A: Wait in line like everyone else.
5 B: Find a corner.
10 C: Who needs corners?
20 D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up.
Scenario 3: Youre out slumming, youve been approached by the
same panhandler 4 times, hes drunk, scruffy and
really pissing you off!
You:
-10 A: Give him money hoping hell go away.
5 B: Get him arrested.
10 C: Beat him up.
20 D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money,
booze and clothes, and then get him arrested.
Scenario 4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell
rings. You can see through the peephole in the door
that its a couple of girl guides with cookies.
You:
-10 A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies.
5 B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave.
10 C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies.
50 D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses,
ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies...
the end.
* The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor.
Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES.
* The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown. He has
been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in
metrotown.
3 Flow Charts of FUN! stolen from cci and tabnet
Date: 6:45 pm Sun Feb 8, 1998 Number : 58 of 63
From: Felt-Pen Fingers! Base : tabnet: butterfly.net
Stat: Sent Origin : 08 Feb 98 16:15:29
Not too deep. Kissing in a less-than-platonic manner is enough to
get you drawn onto the flow chart. Cooties are very infectious. In fact,
they spread across time and space.
Lets think up a hypothetical situation.
Happydude, a tabber, is dating Sabreena The Teenage Witch, a langley
chatboarder. We would draw that like this:
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
During their relationship, Happydude has a brief stint of drug-
induced unfaithfulness and makes out with Aurora Borealis, another tabber.
This would be drawn like this:
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Aurora Borealis
Aurora Borealis, in turn, has previously dated/slept with three
other tabbers.
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
This implicates Sabreena in all the comings and goings of NOT ONLY
Happydude, to whom she has been completely faithful, but also of Aurora,
Sir Ganja, Don Quixote, and King of Pudding a notorious womanizer.
Furthermore, before he started seeing Sabreena, Happydude had a brief
homosexual encounter with The Lavender Menace.
The Lavender Menace
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
Eventually, Sabreena herself, jaded by the internal quarrels and
soap operas that taint her efnet family, seeks solace in the arms of the
mysterious and guarded individual known only as The Great Prophet of the
Quran.
The Lavender Menace Great Prophet of the Quran
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
Happydude responds by weeping on the expansive bosom of King of
Puddings ex-lover, Malefica.
The Lavender Menace Great Prophet of the Quran
Happydude Sabreena The Teenage Witch
Malefica
Sir Ganja Aurora Borealis King of Pudding
Don Quixote /
As you can see, it only gets more complicated from hereon in.
Eventually, Skankin Poultry, another tabber, sees it fit to point out
to all concerned just how riddled they are with cooties. She draws up a
very incomplete flowchart and is beaten about the head with those
inflatable Edvard Munch Scream toys by unpleased audience members who
do not enjoy seeing their sexual pasts reduced to enneagrams.
At a tension-filled meet where three different couples pair off and
make out in corners much to the chagrin of The Lonely Hunter, who writes
sheer volumes of poetry on the event and posts them in the Cabbage Base,
Skankin Poultry is poisoned by a particularily insidious batch of Blue.
Her hands, feet, and teeth are removed and incinerated, and her body
interred in one of the Metrotown planters. She dies regretting that she
never shared even a chaste kiss with the unrequited love of her life, Mr.
Poodle, who is currently attached to Voluminous Lola, another of King of
Puddings conquests, etc. etc.
* Origin: Hello, nice to meet you. FUCK YOU! 31:3373/0
Date: 10:20 am Wed Feb 25, 1998 Number : 11 of 14
From: Sexy Base : cci Lit
Stat: Sent Origin : 24 Feb 98 16:16:30
Hiya...
A typical hackers morning wake up.
Whats a
Are there No Are there hamper? Are there clothes No Buy
clothes in-+--clothes in -+--+--+--- strewn in random -+-- more
dresser? the hamper? piles on the floor? clothes
Yes Yes Yes
V
Take whatever
is on top
V V
-+--+--- No -+--+--+- -+--+--+---
Is -+--+--+-- Perform Ohmigosh Spray
it Not sure smell -+--+--+--+- with
clean? -+--+--+-- test deodorant
Yes Not bad
V
For underwear: Which ones are Will they I may get Place item on
Are there many for my legs? be arrested. dirty pile
holes? -+--+--+--+--+--- visible?-+--+--+--+-- start over
No No
V
Is it Yes Do you Yes But would you rather have a tick on
wrinkled?-+---really care?-+--- your eyeball than iron a shirt?
No No Yes
V
Kinda Seek the
Does -+--+--+--+--+--- Is it No advice What
it Does it what? dark -+-- of the -+--+-- is
match? -+--+--+--+--+--- out? opposite sex?
-+--+--- -+--+-- sex -+--+--
Yes Yes -+--+--+-
V V
Put on Go to keyboard Go to
clothes! -+--+--+--+-- for daily fix -+--+--- bathroom
* Origin: H.I.C. D.B.S. Powered by OS/2 Warp v4.0 66:3030/0
4 Procastination, an ongoing report otnooishphoo
In our last Issue 5 years ago, we started an ongoing
report on Procrastination. We feel it is in the best interest
of society to study and properly research this phenomenom.
A lot has happened since our last issue 5 years ago.
Well, ok, so nothing has happened. But how can you expect
us to do a proper examination, unless we fully test all the
possibilities.. I promise, that next issue we will have
something a little more substantial for your review.
5 Titanic, the directors Cut Soema
Date: 4:00 am Thu Mar 12, 1998 Number : 65 of 65
From: Soema Base : tabnet: film.festival
Stat: Sent Origin : 12 Mar 98 00:55:57
Many of you have seen the film Titanic, which is about a great big boat
that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just
now getting worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women
here- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why.
Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you,
so you think theres a chance the movie will end differently if you see
it again?
Do you think this is a Choose Your Own Adventure movie? Because its
not.
No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the
same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his
noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic
took only four hours the movie is easily three times that long. Note
to reader From the following choices, select the this-movie-is-too-long
line you like best and go with it.
Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.
Many marriages do not last as long as this movie.
I had to shave twice during this movie.
Three Eastern European nations Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk were
formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay
which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a
shorter version of Titanic. All I want in return is a lot of money.
Scene 1
KATE WINSLET Why, this is a fancy boat, isnt it?
KATES WEASELLY FIANCE Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist named Picasso. I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90s audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO Hello, Im Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on
my brooding face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE While youre doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancees life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because youre poor, and then Ill probably be physically abusive to my
fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to
make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps Ill throw an
elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, youre trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we
hate you! Boo! Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming
between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he
is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!
Scene 2
LEONARDO Im glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into
the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I
am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience
forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my
fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you have to take off your clothes.
KATE But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?
LEONARDO I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will
sell out.
NARRATOR According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE All right, then. sound of clothes hitting the floor
Scene 3
FIRST MATE Captain, were about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN Great, I could use some ice for my drink. sound of drinking
ICEBERG hits boat
FIRST MATE That cant be good.
CAPTAIN Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE silence
FIRST MATE That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE Baa! Moo! Wheres Leonardo?
Scene 4
LEONARDO I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE That is terrible
LEONARDO Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE aside Im getting the raw end of the deal here to
Leonardo Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-
annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe,
here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that
we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO Why dont you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE Because then you wouldnt be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, youre going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE Dont spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO Hes right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE Aww, look how cute he is when hes doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE I hate you people.
Scene 5
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE And thats when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadnt been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, hes pretty much dead
now, and Im well over a thousand years old, and whos making my supper? I
need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, its making my ears hurt. You kids
today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Dont you walk away
from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! Id turn you over my knee, if I had one.
Ill beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
Fade to black roll credits play annoying Celine Dion song.
* Origin: subliminal reality three? no. 31:808/455
6 CRUSH! - An Epic in 30 Parts Cthulu
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 280 of 316
From: Zamfir Worshipper Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Pedantik Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:30
P ME AND AIDAN AND STU WILL BE THERE
P STU USED TO BE IN A BOWLING LEAGUE
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
Why does this remind me of those combat-oriented movies where our valiant hero
has been going up against fighter after fighter to prove his worth.. then
finally this old man with a long moustache says bring out Kang! and there
are gongs and these giant iron doors the size of kilimanjaro open and out
walks this enormous, muscled freak wearing a big black mask covering
everything but his eyes, nose and big fat lips and the hero just sort of looks
up and up and up and then the old man cackles gleefully and says
Kang! Crush!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 285 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Pedantik Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:09
P ME AND AIDAN AND STU WILL BE THERE
P STU USED TO BE IN A BOWLING LEAGUE
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
Even me?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 286 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:52
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
ESPECIALLY YOU!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 287 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:24:59
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
And my dog? What of him?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 288 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:25:38
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 289 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:25:57
P HE WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
C Even me?
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:10 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 290 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:26:48
C ESPECIALLY YOU!
C And my dog? What of him?
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME OF
THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 291 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:27:26
C WE WILL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DOG!
C WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR ATOMIC FAMILY AND THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN!
C WE WILL OBLIDERATE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND HOLD DEAR!
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
C WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
C WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME O
C THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 292 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:29:09
C What of the rain in april? Surely you would not crush that?
C WE WILL CRUSH THE RAIN IN ALL MONTHS, BUT ESPECIALLY IN APRIL!
C WE WILL, IN FACT, MASTICATE EVERY VARIETY OF WEATHER OCCURING AT THAT TIME O
C THE YEAR, JUST BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
C What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
C existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHICH
THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 293 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:29:24
C What, then, of knowledge? Surely you cannot cause knowledge to cease
C existing. Or love, for that matter. Or birdsong.
C WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
C LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
C SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHIC
C THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
But what of the others, then?
Love, and birdsong?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 294 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:30:09
C WHEN WE ARE FINISHED, THERE WILL NO LONGER EXIST A WORD FOR KNOWLEDGE NO
C LONGER EXIST THE CONCEPT OF KNOWLEDGE. ALL OBSERVATIONS WILL BE CURRENT AND
C SPUR-OF-THE MOMENT, AND NEVER REMEMBERED. NO RULES WILL BE DRAWN UP BY WHIC
C THE UNIVERSE CAN BE SEEN TO EXIST.
C But what of the others, then?
C Love, and birdsong?
THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 295 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:30:22
C But what of the others, then?
C Love, and birdsong?
C THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
C RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 296 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:31:58
C THE ONLY ONES CAPABLE OF LOVE NO LONGER SHALL, AND WE WILL WIPE OUR MANY
C RAVENOUS BOTTOMS ON THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LYRIC OF AVIAN SONG.
C Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE IN
OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
APPARATUS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 297 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:32:11
C Will you crush yourselves then, as well?
C WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE
C OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
C CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
C IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
C APPARATUS.
Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 298 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:34:03
C WE WILL RECIEVE OUR MOST FERVENT CRUSHINGS OF ALL, TO PROVE OUR OMNIPOTENCE
C OUR ABILITY NOT ONLY TO REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BUT ALL ENTITIES
C CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING IT! THERE WILL NO LONGER REMAIN TWO CONSECUTIVE ATOMS
C IN THE COSMIC DUST WHICH WILL HAVE BEEN OUR MASSIVE CRUSHING ORGANS AND
C APPARATUS.
C Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 299 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:34:19
C Surely, then, reality itself will be crushed?
C IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
C FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
C AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
C FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
C TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 300 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:00
C IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. YOUR PUNY MORTAL SENSORY ORGANS ARE MERELY TOO
C FEEBLE TO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE ENDED IN FACT TWO HUNDRED
C AND SEVENTY SIX YEARS AGO. EVERY ASPECT OF THIS INTIMIDATION OF YOU IS IN
C FACT GOING ON INSIDE OUR DEPRAVED IMAGINATIONS, AS YOU WERE LONG AGO REDUCED
C TO QUARKS AND LEPTONS.
C I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETERS
TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 301 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:12
C I suppose that there are no more bicycles then?
C NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETE
C TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
And puppies? Puppy dogs?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 302 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:35:48
C NO PART OF BICYCLES HAVE REMAINED UNCRUSHED, FROM SEATS TO PEDALS TO DIAMETE
C TO THE VERY PREFIX BI. IT HAS ALL BEEN CRUSHED.
C And puppies? Puppy dogs?
CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE
PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 303 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:01
C And puppies? Puppy dogs?
C CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYAB
C PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
C AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 304 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:28
C CRUSHING THEM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYAB
C PARTS OF OUR TASK, WERE WE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH WAS ONCE KNOWN
C AS ENJOYMENT BEFORE WE CRUSHED IT.
C Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
PLEASE, MAN, HAVE SOME RESPECT. WE WOULD NEVER CRUSH CHEESE.
DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 305 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:36:42
C Dare I ask as to the fate of cheese?
C PLEASE, MAN, HAVE SOME RESPECT. WE WOULD NEVER CRUSH CHEESE.
C DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 306 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:37:33
C DO YOU THINK WERE PHILISTINES OR SOMETHING?
C No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCTS,
AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE IN
ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 307 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:37:42
C No, just a fellow cheese-enthusiast.
C PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
C CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCT
C AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE
C ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
Can I bring some friends?
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 308 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:38:13
C PERHAPS THEN WE HAVE BEEN HASTY IN OUR DISMISSAL OF YOUR INFERIOR
C CHEESE-HATING REALITY. LET US INSTEAD CELEBRATE IN AN ORGY OF DAIRY PRODUCT
C AND WE CAN REVEL IN THE EXCHANGED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EXACTLY TO ENJOY CHEESE
C ALL ITS INFINITE GRACEFUL FORMS.
C Can I bring some friends?
BRING ALL OF HUMANITY, AND WE WILL MELD MINDS LIKE NEVER TWO SPECIES HAVE
BEFORE!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 309 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: RE: BOWLING Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:38:22
C Can I bring some friends?
C BRING ALL OF HUMANITY, AND WE WILL MELD MINDS LIKE NEVER TWO SPECIES HAVE
C BEFORE!
Its a meet then.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 310 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: All Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:39:10
C Its a meet then.
CHEESE-MEET 1.0
When? November 21st,2:38 am.
Where? My basement.
What? Cheese eating, or so Im told.
Whuzza? Bring cheese, if youre planning on eating it.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 311 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : All Refer : None
Subj: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:04
WHo showed up:
Cthulu
really powerful alien intelligences
cheese
cheese intelligences too, even more powerful.
We ate the cheese.
Then the cheese ate us.
All in all, the experience was thoroughly enjoyable.
I say we do it again sometime, but in bennys this time cause its more
accessable by transit.
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 312 of 316
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: None
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:20
C All in all, the experience was thoroughly enjoyable.
C I say we do it again sometime, but in bennys this time cause its more
C accessable by transit.
WE WILL CRUSH BENNYS!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
Date: 12:11 pm Fri Nov 21, 1997 Number : 313 of 317
From: Cthulu Base : tabnet: alt.cabbage.die.die
To : Cthulu Refer : None
Subj: Re: CHEESEMEET REVIEW Replies: 1
Stat: Sent Origin : 21 Nov 97 02:40:27
C WE WILL CRUSH BENNYS!
here we go again!
--- e-lizard v3.53
* Origin: Havent we met in a parallel universe? --DoDEL- 31:53/0
FILE
PREVIEW
SAUCE
- title
- Spoon Issue 1
- author
- Otnoo Ishphoo
- group
- Spoon
- date
- 2003-08- 7
- comments
- datatype
- character
- filetype
- ansi
- filetype info
-
width: 80
height: 1125
font:
icecolors: no
letter spacing: not specified
legacy aspect: not specified
META - TAGS
- artist(s)
- group(s)
- content
META - VIEW
- Display options set by editor overriding defaults and/or SAUCE data:
- ice colors: yes
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