Beatle, Aka Spoon
Cheese
Bocephus
Clarence
bLUCK
Incognito
This Thing is dedicated to complete and utter madness
Volume Zero Number Zero
Welcome to SPOON. As editors we would like to express our extreme
pleasure. This can be done in many ways but not over a computer line!
For the next while we will be bringing you, our readers, an number of articles
expressing the views of many minorities living inside our heads. As long as we
have heads this will continue. Thank you.
Beatle
Cheese
Bocephus
bLUCK
Clarence
Incognito
Letters From the Editors,
The following is a conversation over heard by Bocephus and Clarence.
Right now my cheese is restless, how about you?
My cheese is far from restless, in fact my cheese has reached a state of ZEN.
Thats pretty fuckin nifty alright. But couldnt that raise the cost of
borscht in Yugoslavia?
Shit no. Nobody likes my cheese in fact lately, it seems that nobody wants
my cheese, having trouble with sales. Im thinking about changing over to
sausage, I might make more money I hear the sex is good.
Ay but youll disappoint many a yak, boy. Next thing you know youll be
making more money, getting famous, probably bringing pain upon your family
name too, Id bet. Just who the hell do you think you are anyways, you know
you were destined to have a dead end job like cleaning bathrooms at Bates
motel You have no right disturbing Karma like this.
Screw Karma, Im a Roman Catholic. Besides, why live a life of poverty when
I can live a life of being rich, having endless joy with the female species,
and getting hammered the rest of the time. My destiny is in my hands.
P.S. what time is it?
1:25. Well great. Just go ahead. Make money. Get laid by beautiful women.
See if I care. What if you catch something, homosexuality, chronic raunchy
fart syndrome CRFS or bumpy bum cheeks? Yeah then whod be laughing.
Quite frankly it serve you right if your hair was made of chocalate pudding
and your schnauser fell OFF!
Catch homosexuality! Thats impossible, you know why? Because nobody knows
Im a lesbian. Heh how if I cut ya a deal, we can go fifty fifty. You too
can be rich and get laid constantly. What do yah say? Itll be just like
the planet of the nymphomaniacs.
No way lumpy nuts, thats not for me. I dont butter my bread on that side.
??????????????????????
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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Dear Dr. Lip,
How are you, I am fine. Except for that cat that is living inside of
my head. I recently discovered it last week at Burger King, it stuck its
head out of my mouth and bit my whopper. I feel that, seeking warmth, it
crawled up my nose one night while I was sleeping. It has been a general
nusiance ever since. Its constant purring keeps my awake, Ive been fired
from my job, its tail is hanging from my left nostril, and those claws! I
dont mind the fact that Ive lost my source of income and have to beg on
on street corners to survive Incidently it took me three days to save for
the cost of the stamp for this letter. But the last straw was when it
started urinating out of my ear. Please help me! I need your advice on my
feline predicament.
Signed,
Catnip Head.
Dear Catnip Head,
Letting a domestic animal live inside your head! You inhuman bastard!
Thats animal cruelty you know! Ive a good mind to report you to the S.P.C.A.
Unfortunately, these letters are confidential, but I could always call
anonymously. HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Dear Dr. Lip.
I am a socially active young man. Recently I have been urinating
blood. Is this normal for a man my age? Im 18.
Name with held by request.
Dear Stu Pididiot,
By the time you read this you should be legally dead. But for the
sake of our other readers out there who are urinating blood, my advice is to
make funeral plans pronto.
Dear Dr. Lip,
I have this little problem with sexual fantasies. I want to have sex
with small furry animals. I just find them so sexy. I just wanna huddle and
cuddle with them, theyre so cute. I almost had a squirrel once but the damn
thing got away. Should I express my feelings to close personal friends who
might not understand? You see, they wont let me in the petting zoo anymore.
i just cant stand the agony of not having a soft furry friend close to my
genitailia. Even my cat stays away from me. She wont even come for catnip.
Please help me.
Yours truly,
Desperatly Seeking Fuzzies.
Dear Desperatly Seeking Fuzzies,
Youre not the first person to have trouble fulfilling your beastual
fantasies. In fact there are many self help group for people in your
condition. My suggestions are, to either resort to criminal activity to
support the pet store costs or if you arent too picky, there are several
advantages in the use of roadkill if you dont mind a little necrophilia,
aiding the sanitary condition of the streets is one. And then theres the
whole other option of using cooked domestic pets prepared by authentic asian-
style resturants, for more information on this subject write to Lupos Kitchen
C/O Purple Peace Online.
Weird and strange articles that have no redeeming values but sound scientific
Dark. What is it and how can you get it? Well the answer is quite
simple, you cant get it. As for what it is, well thats a whole different
story on its own.
Dark in its true natural form, is merely the absence of light,
much like the absence of nothing is something. When exploring this strange
phenomenom of nature called dark I found that many people seem to associate
it with some fear of evil or the supernatural. I myself associate it with
Captian Crunch cereal or really bad episodes of the brady bunch. Anyhow,
my question is why? Why do people associate dark with fear or evil or
Captian Crunch or really bad Brady Bunch or big red hairy muppet like creatures
like many of my friends seem to? Why is there such fear? After all dark is
only Earth in one of her I say her not because I am sexist or trying to
appeal to a feminist audience but because I believe our whole Universe was
created with the anatomy of the female body in mind. Maybe Ill do an article
on that sometime. natural forms. Is there some deep metaphorical or
metaphysical meaning here? Are we saying that as a society, during daylight
hours we have no fears what so ever, as soon as dark rolls around all our
fears come out of their twelve hour hibernation? If so, what are those fears?
I myself mentioned earlier that I fear Captain Crunch cereal and really bad
episodes of Brady Bunch but what does everybody else fear? please write to
let me know. Does anybody else fear bad Jeff Fayhey movies or Mr. Fishers
Teapot or whats in Daredevils trousers on a cold rainy day or do you fear
that one day we may all spontaneously combust or be eaten alive by a giant
carniverous tricycle? Why has dark been associated with such fears?
Will we ever know the truth? Probably not, but only because if we did
we wouldnt be able to say yes when someone asks,
Are you afraid of the Dark?
Clarence Revial, Spoon Head
Earth.
Next Issue Dark Part II. The Amazing Dark Suckers.
Procrastination is an on going Problem. This column is dedicated to
solving this problem and to discuss what we can do in the mean time.
Personals:
SWM-46 Overweight unemployed alcoholic looking for miss right. Wants
to start relationship with anyone related to a beer company exec. or
owning a fishing boat. Send picture of boat.
SWM-28 Likes swimming, hiking and many other outdoor activities.
Seeks young attractive female for companionship and romance. Must
have a fetish for men with three testicles. Send photo.
Services:
Vasectomies while you wait!
Medical student willing to perform operations at a fraction of
professional costs. Colon therapy? No problem! Lobotomies
my specialty. Gene Splicer PO 911
Small Penis? Increase your diameter and length instantly! Send
S.A.S.E. to Syph Research Lab Industries along with 3.00 SH cost
for Magnifying Glass.
Chinese Sky Writer Will write any message in chinese in the sky for
you. Reasonable prices, under three characters preferable.
Rubber band liquidation, we are slashing prices on all rubber bands.
All Rubber bands must go! Dont wait dont delay! We have a Sheep
Too.
Lost Found:
Lost : Virginity. If you have seen my Virginity please call
555-2123. Sorry, no description. will take anyones Reward.
Stolen! One Driveway! Missing since August 25! Can be described as
long, gray and concrete. Housetrained. Can be identified by cute
heart shaped oil stains.
For Sale:
Attention collectors! Have trouble finding currency from the early
80s? Will trade 50s 10s 3s and 7 dollar bills.
What are you, some kind of idiot? Are you incredibly stupid? Do
you have to study to pass a urine test? Can you get sucked into
sending money to a couple of low life con-artists? For more info
send 50 cash please no cheques or money orders We accept all
major credit cards. Bob C. Cock Yellow sock Ave.
S.F. USA PO box 007
Sheep:
Wanted: SWS single white sheep Black sheep accepted to. Must be
friendly and willing to share small apartment with big harry man 500
obo per month. All utilities incl.
Wanted: Friendly Ewe needed for loving relationship. Possibly for
children. 20 acre ranch ready for love nest.
O O
THE SIGNIFIGANCE OF RED SMARTIES.
By
Bocephus Feces
Pure milk Chocolate. A sugar coating. A hardened coloured shell.
Purple. Pink. Brown. Yellow. Green. Orange. Blue. RED. They are equal
sized. Perfectly round, except for a few beat up ones. Taste? All the same.
Colour is the only variance among them. In a society where the existence of
racial predjudice is frowned upon, we have Smarties. Mere seconds turn to
minutes. Minutes to hours. Hours to days. Days to weeks, to months to years!
How many television endorsements have you seen in your life? How many times
has that happy little jingle invaded your living room? How many time have you
caught yourself humming it as you eat? Whistling it while you work? Singing
it in the rain? If you have done any of these even once, then congradulations
youve been brainwashed. You are the pawn of the Scarlet candy Sphere dancing
on the screen of your television!
A brilliant scheme. Advertising genius. it has been said that these
colours stimulate moods. Brown, yellow and orange are supposed to be warm and
comforting, pink for humility. Blue for contentment. Purple for the sexually
depraved, and green makes all a little more amorous. But Red. Red is rumored
to bring friendly behavior, charity, wont you be my neighbor. If this is true
then -- you buy your emotions at the local 7-11! However I believe its a
communist plot to rule the Earth and that each colour represents an ethnic
group:
Pink - Caucasians Orange - East Indian
Green - Aborijinals Blue - French
Brown - Negro Purple - Jew
Yellow - Asian Red - Communists
When you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?
Do you favor the communist party? You have eaten the sweets of affliction
and you should fear the convienience of your friendly neighborhood corner
store
--Next time Bocephus will discuss Whats with the glasses on the purple
ones?
This issue we deal with the very popular topic of Nose Flossing........
NOSE FLOSSING
By
Cheese
Hello dear friends, I am hear once again to tell you about the new
amazing discoveries in personnal hygiene. Travelling across my room I have
hunted for new ideas and technologies meant for improving the state of the
human body. Recently I have had the pleasure of talking to Dr. Johnson
Ampersand Johnson who has solved the problem of crusty nostrils and mucus
filled nasal passages. This new technique is aptly named, Nose Flossing and
is catching fire around the world. The best thing about this this this this
this technique is that the only equipment required is your normal string of
cooked spaggetti, preferably longer then one foot. Dr. Johnson Ampersand
Johnson follows as such:
Apply one end of the noodle to the nostril.
Plug the other nostril by depressing the side with finger.
Inhale quickly through nose!
Make that pig sound at the rear roof of your mouth,
like when getting those internal nose goblins that are so tasty
As the end of the noodle draws into the back of your mouth reach with
your thumb and forefinger and pull it out of your mouth.
Remember to keep your other hand on the other end of the noodle
so you dont pull it all the way through the nasal tract.
Hold both ends, floss rapidly.
Repeat for other nostril.
if you are really adventurous, try both nostrils at once!
Discard noodle, or eat, whatever your pleasure.
--Next issue we will explore ear flossing.
bLUCK HERE, AND THIS IS MY BULLSHIT. yOU KNOW THAT FUCKIN BUCK FIFTY MOVIE?
wELL THOSE SPERMLESS TESTICLES RAISED THE PRICE TO 2 BUCKS! tHOSE CAPITALIST
PIGS! hOW DARE THEY!? 2 BUCK MOVIE DOESNT ROLL OF THE TONGUE QUIET AS NICE
AS BUCK FIFTY DOES. i HOPE THEY ALL DIE LONELY PAINFUL DEATHS! 2 BUCK! iT
SOUNDS.... dIRTY! mAYBE ITS OK AFTER ALL? nAH! mAYBE WELL CALL IT
bUCK bUCK mOVIE! fUCK, THAT SUCKS!! iLL PROTEST! nO, iM NOT A FUCKIN
PEACE LOVIN HIPPY! bUT FUCK iM PISSED OFF! tHOSE FESTERING GROINAL WARTS!
tHOSE THROBBING INTESTINAL TUMORS!! hAVE A NICE DAY! yOU FUCKIN RETARDS!
bLUCK @!
p.s. i LIKE big pENCILS!
---- S-E-X I-N A P-A-N ----
Qty Measure Prepared Ingredient Directions
1 Cup Flour Combine flour, butter
1/2 Cup Melted Butter and brown Sugar. Pack in
2 Tbl Brown Sugar 9 x 13 pan. Bake 20 min.
1 Cup Icing Sugar Mix icing sugar, cream
1 8oz pkg Cream Cheese cheese and 1/2 Cool Whip
2 Sml or 1 Lgr Cool Whip and spread over cooled
1 Sml pkg Instant Vanilla Pudding base. Mix vanilla and
1 Sml pkg Instant Chocolate Pudding chocolate pudding with
2 Cup Milk milk and spread over the
--------------------------------------- cheese mixture .
Top with other 1/2
I use Lge Puddings and an extra 1/2 cup Cool Whip.
of Milk and prefer to mix each spread Chill and serve.
in individual layers.
tis truely
I also prefer Carmel to Vanilla. O-r-g-a-s-m-i-c....!
Many Physicists and Biologists and others of thier species around the
world believe that the Universe was created by something called a Big bang.
This was very nifty for a long time and all the theories fit snug and tight
until one not so brilliant man realised something. He realised that in the
Big bang theory gravity was not accounted for. You see, all of the universe
according to the theory, originated out of one small point in space. Now if
put all of the Universe into that small point, the density of that point
would be extremely large. And the force of gravity coming from this point
would be so vast, so incredibly huge, so positively immense, that nothing
could escape its pull. That is exactly what happened.
Back in the beginning and even before that, an immensly dense point
known as Big bang tried to explode outwards. Of course It didnt work and Big
bang was said to be incredibly dense for even trying it. Big bang collasped
on its self, passed out and woke up with a terribly painful hangover. He
tried it again and again and soon grew to like it. He began to invite his
friends over and they all did it while listening to music, eating potato chips
and reciting bad pick up lines to any girls who happened to be about. This
constituted what was to be known as the first party. After a while Big bangs
friends began saying he had a problem as he did this all week non stop and
pleaded with him to cut down. He went into denial and never returned.
Of course denial is the first sign of an addict.
Before all that happened, Nothing escaped the pull of Big bangs
gravitic pull and was free to roam the Universe which hadnt yet been created.
Now the Nothing was a very odd creature. He had no dimensions you see and
therefore, physically, did not exist, hence his name. being that the Universe
at this point did not physically exist either, they got on quite well with one
another. The Nothing was free flying intelligence, A brain of gigantic
intellect without limitations. It was he, not Big bang, that ended up
creating the universe one day. This is what happened: Am I bored? Nothing
questioned Himself. Of course he wasnt actually talking seeing that he had
no mouth. Well, yes I am. Nothing replied. It was either that or the
emptiness of emptiness that surounded him replying which it couldnt of course
and so Nothing was force to answer himself. I think which was the only
thing he could do that today in all my wisdom I will create.
Oh, jolly good idea! Replied Nothing once again.
Im glad you agree my good nothing, for first trick I will create myself.
The idea of making somethimg out of nothing is not really that hard to
understand, since the two concepts have a considerable lot in common. The
theory that the two are interchangeable quantities is quite a large branch of
impractible physics studied on slyius four. The laws of nothing being:
Since nothing is merely the absence of something it is something in itself.
It impossible to be doing nothing even if it is the absence of doing something.
One is merely the absence of the other.
Thousands of years ago there lived a poet who worshipped Nothing the great
creator of the universe, these where his words.
NOTHING
If Something turned to Nothing
Would Something still exist
For in the place of Nothing
Is the absence of Something missed
If I had come from Here
And you had come from There
If our positions were reversed
Who would come from Where
If There turned to Nothing
Would There just cease to be
But the absence of There
would still be Something to me
If I had come from Overyonder
But Nothing ate it too
Would I still have a place called home
Or would I live Here with you
But if Nothing is the absence
Of Everything and Something
How can Nothing be Something
When Something cant be Nothing
If I was going Somewhere
And you were going Nowhere
Could you still be Somewhere
By simply going Nowhere
I give up
This of course made absoloutley no sense and eveyone thought he was
a really bad poet until he died.
Nothing had now created himself and he was very pleased with his
progress. Floating in space Nothing found it very hard to breath which he
now had to do since he was a living being. He quickly created a planet with
a 17 percent oxygen based atmosphere in which he could breath more easily.
The surface of this planet was mostly made out of a brown crumbly material
named earth. He decided this word would make a suitable name for his new
planet. There was no-one around to argue so he left it that way. He spent
the next year or so travelling around this planet, touching up some of the
less beautiful spots. He made great sculptures of rock called mountains and
great bathtub like things called oceans. While taking a bath in one of these
huge bathtubs he found them quite dull. He put a huge mass of rock in the sky
to create waves in the oceans. He also made a recycling system also known as
the hydro logic cycle. He did a many great things and thought of himself
greatly for many a great year. In the latter stages of creation he made other
living things to share his world with. He made lofty trees and green dewy
plants and beautifully coloured flowers to replenish the 17 percent oxygen
based atmosphere. He made animals great and small to replenish the 81 percent
carbon dioxide based atmosphere and made certain types of fungus and bacteria
to annoy all these animals as well as replenish the stock of dirt on the
ground from which they came. He ended up with a nicely balanced ecosystem and
once again felt great for many a great year. As he looked up to the sky one
day he noticed that the continually dark roof was beginning to bore him as
we know all great minds bore easily. He made a great light bulb in the sky
and set the earth revolving around this light bulb at such and such an angle
and such and such a distance as to obtain a pleasant cycle of light and dark.
After several decades of creating and recreating his planet, his solar
system, his entire Universe was complete and perfect. Around the edges of
this vast spherical space called the Universe was a nothing. The very absence
of stuff that Nothing had come from. Nothing now found that his powers were
growing smaller and harder to use. It was an extreme effort to create an
inert gas or lump of rock. He was growing old.
He did not realise this, as age was an alien concept to him, he had
always been since there had always been the absence of something. Now that he
had created his beautiful new world the absence of something no longer existed
and soon, neither would he. He worked this out in his mind and came up with
the same hypothesis that I just spelled out. Nothing and something could not
exsist within the same Universe. He had created himself but he was
essentially Nothing and therefore his own creation had become his own
destruction. He did not want to die. This new world of his offered so much.
To save himself he would have to leave. He pondered for many hours and then
with the last of his strength he made one last creation. Intelligence.
Then he was gone. Back to the realms of nothing.
II DDD II OOO TTTTT MM MM A NN NN
II D D II O O T MMM MMM A A NNN NN
II D D II O O T MM M MM AAA NN N NN
II D D II O O T MM MM AA AA NN NNN
II DDD II OOO T MM MM AA AA NN NN
Idiot Mans seven favorite car tricks to play on your best friend...
1. Pop the hood and re-wire his electrical
system.
2. Slip under the car and cut the fan belt..a
few minutes after he is going the car will
stall.
3. Crazy glue the guys winshield wipers in
place.
4. Paint the car all over with glow-in-the-dark
liquid except where the driver can see it
e.g. name and phone number and penticles and
insults to cops
5. Place impact explosives on the tires
6. Open the hood and remove or solder into
position the hood lock..the hood will not
close till he fixes it.
7. Glue small poker chips in place over the
lock not-hard-to-fix damage
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