00000/ ,ææææææ 000/ ,ææ æææ 00/` ,ææ 0000000/ ,æ*ææ. `000/ ,ææ æææ 000/ /88ų` 888 0/ /88ų` 888 ./88ų` 00000/ /88ų``88: 0/ /88ų` 888 0/ /88`____888 /88` 888 ŚŚŚ888æææ ```` /88` 888 /88` 888 /888888888888 /88` 888 /8/ æææ /88` 888 /88` . 888 888/ų` /88` 888/88 888/88` 888/88` .d8< 888 888\,.________j888\,.______888888\,._____,888888\,._____,888888\,.d87`_,888 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 !8888888888888888888888888 `ų4888888888888 8888888888888888888888 ų` `ų488888887ų` 000*æ. /888888888888888888888 rko. l888888\ 0000000000000000000000 `Ł*888888888888888888 EUTOW ISSUE 0001. by Neil Behrendt. welcome! eutow is a song by autechre. it's also my latest attempt at a zine, i guess. this issue's a little light, but it's start. i've been doing some other stuff, writing music and drawing again, so i just slapped together all the stuff that i had lying around on my hard drive. if i feel like it, i'll throw in one or two of my old plays that i'm never going to get done. enjoy! neil ____ a reading response about tropical fish, by neil I read a book about tropical fish. It was called "Tropical Fish". I liked looking at the pictures of tropical fish, because they were fish and I thought they looked neat. I have fish at my home I don't know if they are tropical fish or not tropical fish. My mom bought them by the scoopful, so I don't think they are tropical fish, but they might be. Who's to say? One time, we had this fat fish and we weren't sure why it kept getting fatter. Then we realised it was eating the other fish. My brother started to cry. Then we got a lobster, and it ate part of the dead fishes. Then the fat fish killed it and ate it. Then it hopped out of the aquarium and my dog licked it and it died In short, "Tropical Fish" is a book about tropical fish. Do you like tropical fish? I do. This ends my response to the book "Tropical Fish". I think it was written by a tropical fish expert. Or a tropical fish. Again, who's to say? The government might, but that's none of my business. just so you know, i handed this in for marks. ____ locusts are the prissyboy's tool of apocalypse - by neil Yes folks, millenium fever is upon us. Isn't it shitty? I know you're concerned about the millenium bug, and looting, and the world coming to an end on December 31, 2000 (or 2001, which ever way butters your pretentious ass bread). But for a moment, fuck that. There are real, REAL concerns about the decades ahead. Check it. 'A Chilean ecological group warned residents living around Santiago that 60 cm-long 'mutant' rats have attacked barnyard animals in a suburb of the capital. Mauricio Barraza, president of the Ecological Council of Maipu, said he believes that the rodents have grown to be so large because they fed on the droppings of hormone fattened poultry...' Just THINK about that. Because rats in a piss poor country eat chicken shit, they become super rats. That's a blueprint for world catastrophe right there. The components of destruction are right in this informartive tidbit of information, and if I can see it, believe me, anyone can. Yes, , with your rat armada, you can take control of your neighborhood, or you rcity, or the world! And crabs... don't even get me started on crabs. Christmas Island, of the Australian coast, is overtaken with somewhere in the range of 20 million crabs come to an inhabited island to breed. Think about how easy it would be to take the crabs and have some good clean American fun with them. Crabs are resilent, and moreover, they're smarter than you. The would find a way to take your 'hood. What's next? Killer bees? Land lobsters? Watch your back, kid. Or a crab'll eat it. ____ naet - by neil Naet. Naet. While misspelling Neat is a lot of fun, I'd like to tell you a story, about a boy and his ritalin, and how his brother stole them and popped them like candy. My youngest brother has a condition known as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). It's kind of funny, that after several years of guessing that my brother is crazy, it turns out to be true! He's a sucka, anyway. Piss on my brother, let's get back to me. One boring morning, probably in January or so, I was running late to school, and my house was empty. It then crossed my mind that, hey, my brother has pharmaceuticals lying around that I've had yet to sample. I'm going to be one of those guys who gets addicted to cough syrup, I can tell. So, I thought 'what harm could it do'? I popped two, and went on my way. They didn't actually kick in 'till during lunch, when I was doing a lot of running around, trying to kung fu fight with people. I was fully aware of what was going on, but my drive to do the things I thought about doing was greatly increased. I told a few people why I was so hyper, and they all sort of went "Oh. You stupid, fucka." I mean, I wish they had said that. Words to that effect. Eh. The next time I took them was before a presentation in English class. Seeing as they were child's dosage, I took four. I was really enthusiastic about doing the presentation, which is kinda funny cause I dread public speaking. I have a nasty habit of "choking" during them (ie forgetting what I'm talking about, going into a cold sweat, having a nervous breakdown in class, that sort of thing) . So I figured, it was a 'fun... with a purpose!' sort of scenario. We were all ready to present, when the fire alarm went off. Now, I don't know how much it takes to completely distract someone who suffers ADHD, but a big distraction like that just threw me off. I went completely nuts, and started repeating parts of my speech over, talking about how I'd get to a conclusion I never did. the effect of the ritalin wore off just as the presentation ended. The third, and by far most interesting time, was during a depressing April weekend. I sat at home, and was forced to clean my room. Again, I took four, because my brother had just gotten a new issuing of pills, or something like that. I started really thoroughly cleaning everything, the dust off my cd case, much more than I'd planned to do. I came across a selection of old clothes. I knew things weren't right then I said aloud, to nobody in particular: "Hey, I could probably give these to the homeless!" Then, the comedown. And what a comedown it was! I did a wicked 180, got the chills, and locked myself in my room, which is kind of impossible seeing as the door has no knob, and sat on my bed in a fetal postion, waiting to be amused by TV. It was a really uncanny sensation, somewhere between a confused bewilderment (which is nothing new) and a gut-wrenching terror, like after you've just been caught, I don't know, killing someone, or something. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If you would like some suggestions on what that lesson is, please send 5 dollars to the following address. 23 South Woodrow Blvd. Scarborough, Ontario M1N 3L5 Pack it in bubble wrap, or inside a letter, cause the mailman will take your five bucks and give you no insight whatsoever if you're not careful. ____ good jokes! by neil i pride myself on being a master sotryteller, and inclusive with this is some dexterity in the realm of the 'knock-knock' joke. you know, the knock knock who's there? ! who? hillarious pun! ho ho ho! you're a funny guy, thanks, you old underwear stainer! you know, something like that. however, what i've been working on, is whittling the joke down into a more compact form. for example knock knock who's there? ! you see? it's easy! all you have to do is plug in something so funny into the blank that the rest of the joke is filler. however, it helps if you have props. for example, i wrote a classic joke, that you can feel free to copy for entertainment or educational purposes. ingredients 10 rubber snakes a bag (to hold rubber snakes) a brain (to remember knock-knock exchange) there are two ways to tell this joke, though the dialogue is the same. knock knock who's there at this point, the joke splits. you can take your rubber snakes you have with you, throw them at the person, yell 'SNAKES!' and run as fast as you can away. or, if you're more of the subtle type, you direct the person closer, slowly open up the bag and say in your most creepy voice 'snakes.' it's all basically about the humour you like, so have fun with it, and write me and tell me what jokes you thought up. ____ a selection of poems by neil warpus is one of my favorite zine writers, ever. so, in my own way, i'd like to pay tribute to his excellent zine (which i'm not sure if it's still going) warpzine, through a little bit of poetry. pro wrestling is nature's way of picking sides: success and failure hey, tony danza! how's your career doing after 'who's the boss?' you know that guy who sits beside me in mod west? he'll never have sex. SNL host colin quinn thinks one day orange juice may soon cost eight bucks hey, you, simpleton! buy my stuff, or i will give you epilepsy! ___ CAROL RODRIQUEZ SUCKS DICK. AND HELMUT WENZLAFF IS A PORN FREAK. by neil When I started taking long, introspective walks about a six months ago, I hadn't even thought about the possible fringe benefits that go along with them. Fitness is one, mental focus and clarity another. But man, the cool shit you can find, especially in suburbia. It's grand. Cool telecom plaques that tell you not to dig because of buried phone cable, loose change, swanky clothing (mostly in the singular, like a shoe, a sock, a mitten), and if you do luck out, a million billion used condoms! None of that matters, though. Well, the swanky clothes, but only cause they're free. No, the best stuff to find is, by far, loose papers and receipts. Gay as it might sound, they really do tell wicked stories. Let me fill you in. One day, while strolling home, I came across a Sears account statement lying near the intersection of Birchmount Rd. and Danforth Ave. It belonged to Carol Rodriquez, who strangely enough lives in Ottawa. (Apt 503, 2035 Othello Ave, postal code K1G 3P6). That seemed kind of neat, like it was well travelled. While kind of wondering how it got there, I also came across the fact that this woman owed nearly a thousand dollars of overdue payments, that needed to be paid immediately. I realised - "shit, that's a paycheck." I guessed that this probably wasn't a terribly wealthy woman, so that's like a paycheck away from being tossed out of your apartment, potentially. I posess a statement of someone's financial shortcomings! I found it about six weeks after the billing date (April 28, 1998) so it could, in theory, be possible that this woman's could be sucking dick on a street corner to make ends meet! I am blown away by that. It's a kind of rare case thing to find, but it's like twice as good as a movie if you think about it. Hell, if you have the time or the inclination, you could even track down these people and find out about them or their lives. You could keep a file on them, and so long as you're careful it's probably not stalking! And the neat thing about it is that it's just lying around. You're not breaking any laws like opening someone's mail or something. You're just peering into someone's life, because they've in a way let you. For example, less than a week ago I found a receipt for a video store. It was from two days before Christmas of 1997. Helmut Wenzlaff (416-699-3906), went into Electronic Sight & Sound and rented a copy of Men in Black, and another movie called 'Ben Dover's London Calling'. Now, I may be off the mark here, but that sounds like it might be a 'porno' movie. So, I let my imagination run wild. This guy is a porn freak, because nobody in the world casually dabbles in pornography, and if you tell me that you do, you're a damn liar. But, what if this guy has a wife, and a family? What if they found out that Helmut was a porn freak? Hey, maybe they already know. But what if they don't? What if I call Helmut Wenzlaff and tell him that I'm on to him? Or tell his wife, or his kids? What if I look in the phonebook for his address and mail him a photocopy of the receipt once a week? There might be something fundamentally wrong with that, but I mean, there you go. If this guy was careful enough, I wouldn't have found that. I guess that's just something you can do. Sometimes, just words are enough to set the gears in motion. Like an envelope from Cimco(?) that just says, 'CHRIS GILL'. Or a plain envelope that says in neat handwriting, 'Maxine for Supplies'. What supplies? You tell me. And sometimes, you'll just have your mind blown. The best 'piece' in my collection, even though I have a phone bill that's got to be like 20 years old, is a simple piece of Apple Auto Glass notepad paper. And there is one word on it. Umbrella. That's far out. ____ an explanation-apology by neil i figure that anyone who's read an issue of illbient previous would probably be wondering where the serious content would be, because there was some in illbient. truth be told, this is pretty vacuous. there's a bunch of emotional problems that came to a head around the writing of this, and i don't really feel the compulsion to open up to stragers, though sometimes it is a lot easier than people you know. i'm biting my tongue, a lot. i figure i could talk about the bad relationship i got in, or seasonal depression, or being directionless, or whatever you care to think of. I just did a 'stress' test questionnaire, a few days ago. the thing had a bunch of items with a number value assigned to it, and you tabulated them up, and write down the total, and if it was 100 or highter you could be prone to some sort of stress related health problem. i don't particularly put much stock in it, but i got 290. it was a little alarming, but i'm digressing somewhat. all i can say, and i don't mean to sound after school special about it, is that people won't reach out and help you unless you let people know that you do indeed need help. i mean, you should also go to people whose job it is to help (my ex was in the same position as i am in now about a year ago, and i was there for her, and now that the tables are turned she's left me high and dry, but maybe she'll get meningitis and things will work out). parents are okay, but relatives are better. school people aren't bas either. i don't know what that, if anything, will accomplish. i guess it's just so you know. so, if the content seems trite or trying to be something it's not, there's a reason. my apologies, and i hope you still like the issue regardless. ____ realisations - by neil every once in a while, things hit me. like, who aren't people i've pissed off, because that number has gone down a lot in recent days. but seriously, here's some stuff i was thinking about. SWEATERS ARE SEXY. i'm not sure why, but they are. someone just wearing a sweater seems a lot more sexy to me than either being naked or whatever. Just sayin'. BERETS ARE GAY. You know those stupid Canadian Olympic Berets? That should have started many a nuclear incident. Those things are stupid. You're asking for a smack if you even thinkn about wearing one. Who the fuck do you thnk you are, Mr. French? Jesus. POP MUSIC IS TERRIBLE. This should come as no surprise. However - UNDERGROUND MUSIC IS NOT MUCH BETTER. Most of my music is comprised of stuff that the average person hasn't heard of. I used to pride myself on that, but now I realise I might just as well have worn a beret - well, I didn't sink that low, but shit, a lot of that stuff is really contrived. If you find music you like, don't tell anybody, because the second anyone else finds out, it will be ruined. BLACK THOUGHT IS A WICKED RAPPER, JAY-Z ISN'T AS GOOD AS HE USED TO BE, DMX IS NOT AS BAD AS PEOPLE WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE, AND THE HEIROGLYPHICS ARE THE NICEST CREW IN RAP MUSIC. I don't know what else to tell you, except I saw Heiro freestyling on rapcity, and I wish I could write actual raps a quarter that good. IF A GIRL SANG TO ME, I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR HER. A sappy, romantic notion? You bet! If it actually seriously happened to you, would you do the same thing? You bet! think about it. ___ bauhaus of the damned - by neil some dialogue between me and my mom, about a month ago. mom: neil? me: yes? mom: there's a bunch of apples scattered around the living room. me: get out! you're kidding! mom: no, really. (pause) did you have something to do with that? me: actually, yes. me and ian (my brother) were having an apple party. mom: oh. well, in future, clean up after you're done. me: okay! twenty minutes later, my mom finished cleaning, and sat down to watch rosie o'donnell. I sit down, eating an apple. me: You know, (taking a bite of the apple) I was putting you on. mom: pardon? me: nobody touched the apples. nobody was having an apple party. mom: oh. me: do you even know what an apple party is? mom: well... me: cause i sure don't. i get up, and go make some macaroni. at my house, after coming home from playing darts with my dad. dad: neil, if school was so important to you, you'd be doing a better job. me: you're right. i'm going to go play video games now. on the phone with my ex girlfriend - me: man, i need new brothers. ex: what are you talking about? I'll be your brother! (gruff voice) hey, let's wrestle! in a car with my mom and ex girlfriend. (i can't think of a more uncomfortable situation, except face down in a riverbed.) mom: so, we went on the anniversary cruise, and nine months later, we had alex (my youngest brother) me: well, jeez, i think you missed an intermediate step in there. my mom nearly crashed the car after i said that, and my ex was so horrified, she didn't speak ot me for almost a day. ____ question period. there's a girl who i'm friends with, right? and she's been in a couple of things that i've written (plays) and we both got out of nasty relationships recently. relationships on the rebound are rarely a good idea, but if we're both on the rebound, does that cancel the negative effects out, or double them? someone, help me out. ___ good movie ideas - by neil i like movies, you could consider me a movie buff, so long as that definition requires little to no actual knowledge of movies. here are some of my good movie ideas - You've Got Snakes Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, oh so good in Joe Versus the Volcano, star in this hillarious yet heartfelt romantic comedy about the perils of snakes and the internet. Through a series of accidents, Hanks and Ryan are snake salespeople, in direct competition with each other. However, both are embroiled in a steamy online romance! Sounds conventional, right? Wrong-o! In a freak electrical storm, every computer in the city now has the power to send binary encoded snakes through telecommunications lines! What was once a love from afar is now a race against time to eliminate snakes and still have time to be surprised by falling in love all over again! Expect thrills, chills and the occasional spill, topped off with a heaping handful of love - and snakes! this idea was so good, i'm ending the issue right here. ___ thus concludes our broadcast day. if you'd like to submit something to a future issue of eutow, please email it to dot@cybersolutions.net. that'd be all you need to know. thanks for reading! neil aka emperor katozakro