Alfred E. Newman/Vivisecting/Pez by The Upright Man
Alfred E. Newman/Vivisecting/Pez by The Upright Man
blender 51 .. . . alfred e. newman + vivisecting + Pez
Mad magazine dissecting sex
mascot something while candy
its alive
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hello. im alfred e. newman. depressing isnt it? i look like a sex starved,
overdosed, drug maniac with nothing on his mind but death and depravity. how
did i end up this way? well, its a long story, but sit down awhile and ill
tell ya.
it all started one day when i was on irc using mirc creed script, like all
true hardcores and I joined mp3files. upon joining, i looked down and to my
surprise saw a message box, outlinde in red, from someone named Crystal.
i had never known anyone named crystal actually the only female on irc id
ever met was the silent killer g
in any case, i clicked my mouse button on the box, only to see the message:
crystal hi, im a 40 year old skank hoe with nothing on her mind but sex and
candy. please visit my webpage at www.sexandcandy.com/guest/live.html to see
how im using BOTH of my FAVORITE things in a creative manner.
so i thought, 40 year old skank hoe, eh? mmmm.. wonder what she looks like.
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ohh yeah.. skank ho. by this time i was feeling pretty randy, so i decided
to check the web page.
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so i load up my browser, and enter the url, and HOLY SHIT! shes shoving TWELVE
PEZ PACKETS IN HER -- OH MY GOD! and so there i was, browsing through the jpgs
with one hand, and not doing much with the other. no, im not going to
illustrate anything else so after a while, i start wondering. hmm. i wonder
if i could do some.. ohh, hmm. candy fetish! i think im gonna shove a couple
pezs up various cavities of mine and see how it feels! so I zipped up my
pants, and headed out my my rusted grey 76 cadilac.
driving to the corner kwik-e-mart, i was so incredibly excited that I could
barely drive. I WANTED TO RAM SOME SWEET PEZ FETISH! dirty smut! yea! after
a few minutes, i pulled up to the store, knocking over a few small children
that were playing outside on the cheap carousel.
Hmm, i thought, that carousel could also provide for an interesting sexual
experience. those metal horses are -- no time! must buy pez!
I ran into the store, almost bashing my head on the sliding door as its
computer sensors slowly detected my presence. going in, i gave a quick nod
to Apu, the Indian clerk. Like always, he said Thankyou, come again! in his
lilting Indian accent as I entered. I didnt have the heart to tell him that
here in New York we say Get the fuck out, asshole.
I grabbed a couple Pez sticks and some of those smiling Pez heads and dropped
a 20 on the counter. As I hurried out of the store, Apu said Ah yes, another
follower of Kama Sutra. Very good luck be with you with your Pez ramming! May
all 2000 Indian sex goddesses be with you!
I hoped he was right, and flicked him off to show him my agreement. Jumping
into the car, I suddenly found that I couldnt handle it anymore. Angling
myeslf into a better position, I placed the aforementioned Pez sex toys on the
seat, and sat down with a big WHUMP, letting all 300 pounds of my irc flab
push the Pez deep into my cavity.
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Ohh, the ecstasy was almost too much to handle. I then began driving with
the several Pez containers protruding from my back side. As I pulled onto the
busy freeway, however, the world began to spin, the ecstasy from the Pez
was too much to handle! OHH!
**BANG**
I found myself rear-ended pardon the pun. A 12 wheel big rig had slammed
into the backside of my car, driving several inches of steel through my trunk
and making my headlights bulge. The pain was excruciating. The steel had
also managed to ram the several pez pieces even farther up my anal cavity
than before!
The paramedics were quick to arrive.
Nurse Oh dear god! What has this man done to himself?!
Doctor No time to worry about malpractice! Were going to have to perform
a vivisectomy!
Nurse But were all out of morphine. And the patient appears to be semi-
conscious, although a bit dilerious. What do we do?
Doctor We do it like we did in the old days, Nurse Bubbles. Hand me the
scalpel.
Newman Oh God.. no. The pez monster is coming.. COMING TO GET ME!
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And that brings us to where I am now. Those bastards massacred me, and I was
conscious the entire time, thinking it was the Pez monster come to attack.
So if a 40 year old skank crack whore messages you, RUN RUN!! RUN WHILE YOU
HAVE TIME TO FLEE THE VIVISECTOMY!!
Ascii and plot by The Upright Man Remorse 1981