Lamers, The Unabridged Guide
By: The Anarchial Artist
Date: Sept 3rd 1993
Notes: Where the fuck is Bela???
Ok well due to alot of current experience with the topic at hand lamers, I
feel I should write a guidebook and identifying, reporting and stopping lamers.
This is gonna be a long text I can feel it so bare yourself as we stop this
Well we all know hopefully what a lamer is. If you dont then you are one
and you should turn off your computer, set it ablaze, drink some gasoline,
and then like your computer set yourself ablaze. Now that the lamers are
dead let me go over this topic in VERY extreme detail.
Chapter 1.0
Definition Of A Lamer
1. Lamer- Laymer 1. A computer user who does and will not obey the law of
the cyber-culture and pollutes his corrupt thoughts throughout our new culture
2. One who circuits the scene, claiming to be something that he/she is not.
3. See further definitions.
*---- Now let me share with you two stories of lamerdom to that will
hopefully help you understand what these people are. One of them was done
by my good friend Cpt. Kid, now known as Purple Tentacle and the other was
written by Sir Hackalot. Enjoy....
The Story Of A Lamer
By: Sir Hackalot
Date: June 26 1993
Once upon a cybertime....
Billy had just got his brand new computer, it was a Pentium with a 1.2
gig hard drive, SVGA monitor, SBPRO, full page scanner and anything else
imaginable. Billy had recieved this great gift from his dad after he realized
that some kids at school were pirates and he liked the movie Hook, so he wanted
to be one to. Billy scrambled into the room and darted into the chair, seated
in front of his cyber beauty. After a few minutes of hard work Billy realized
that he could turn it on and off with the flick of a switch. He repeated this
motion for about twenty minutes, when his mother pointed out that there was
much more that the computer could do....Billy was amazed. Billy stayed up all
night learning his keys and constantly phoning some classmates and bragging
about his skill. In fact by the end of the night he had figured out how to
get into windows and access sub thought billy as he trudged
along to his room it was his bed time Im a real hacker. Billy sneered and
got excited on how he could laugh at the losers, who call themselves pirates,
tommorow in class. So Billy climbed into his GI JOE pajamas and set his alarm
which currently read 8:30 pm and set off for dreamland.
The next morning in class Billy rushed towards the group of guys who
call themselves pirates and bellowed out I GOT A PENTIUM!!!!. The group of
five kids, who were now exchanging disks, turned towards Billy. At first they
were skepticall but then realized that Billy wasnt smart enough to make up
a story like that. So, the leader of the group decided that they would visit
Billy tonight, and see his computer.
That evening after classes the group of pirates and Billy went to
Bills home to see his Pentium. And, just as Billy had said.....there on a
oaken desk lay a pentium.....already stained with Billys grape juice. See,
I told ya.....I have a better computer then you guys....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
shouted Billy to the pirates. Why dont we show Billy how to use his computer
said one of the pirates....for they had decided to give him a chance. And
thats just what they did, they showed him how to access things on his
computer, and even how to use a MODEM!!!! Billy was rejoiced at the fact that
now he could get on bulletin boards in his area, and laugh at everyones
computer. One of the pirates gave him three phone numbers to call, and so
when the pirates left,he did.
On the first board Billy was automatically accepted, for the sysop had
been there to automatically validate him. The sysop then brought him into chat,
just to get to know Billy. Hi... said the sysop as Billy stared anxiously at
the screen. Hi, Im Billy and I have a better computer then you. You are a
lamer....and I am a hacker. said Billy after about five minutes of typing.
Ok, then... replied the sysop why dont you give me your address so I can
give you cool stuff and you can show me how to be cool like you. Sure,
everyone wants to be like me. said Billy. Then he gave the sysop his address.
Suddenly the sysop hung up on him and Billy was left on his own....he quickly
broke out into tears. Yet, lucky for Billy his parents were in the next room
and they came to his aid. He then explained how that lamer sysop had hung
up on him. They just said that Billys computer was probably to fast for
the sysop. With that Billy climbed into bed and went to sleep nestled next
to Buddy....his cat.
The next morning was the first Saturday that Billy would spend with his
computer, and the sysop was supposed to come over today. And at about 3 in the
afternoon, the sysop arrived with a big backpack. Hi Billy.....I brought all
this stuff to make your computer run better. said the sysop, obviously about
ten years older then Billy. The sysop then went straight to work. He opened the
case and started replacing the chips with the goodies in his bag. Dont worry,
these are hacker chips...they are for REAL hackers like you, explained the
sysop as he was switching chips. After about an hour and a half of chip
switching the sysop headed home, and warned Billy not to start up his computer
until tommrow or the chips will break. So at eight in the morning the next day
Billy booted up his great computer. The diagnostics screen came up, but it was
different...instead of all the colours it was black and white, and intstead of
saying 586-66, it said 8086-8. Billy started balling his eyes out on the and
pushed his tower case onto the floor, smashing the inside and causing the top
panel to fall off. Billy ran to his door in attempt to grab his NERF baseball
bat and kill the lamer sysop whom hed never see again. Yet, there on his
doormat was his dehydrated cat, its mouth sewn shut and a huge chunk of cheek
missing, where a rat had chewn its way out. And written in cats blood on
their garage was YA FUCKING LAMER. Billy broke down and started crying and
slamming his fists on the ground, eventually causing them to bleed.
Billy was continually battered by the five pirates at school and
eventually moved to IOWA where he gotta Super Nintendo. The four pirates
grew up to become dictator of the worlds flow of information. And the sysops
bulletin read, THE BLOODY with a brand new 586!!!!
Yippie Skippie! exclaimed the ecstatic Joseph as he rushed past his
maid into his 45 square foot library, located in the middle floor of his large
house. In front of him lay the only thing on his mind ever since he sent away
his order form from Byte magazine. He tore open the small, cardboard box, while
his parents took countless pictures of him, while his stuck-up bald ass butler
video taped the mutilation of the 10 by 15 box. Joey reached into the box,
and pulled out his prized, the camera flash reflecting of his gleaming teeth.
He held up the new box which his real prize was in and exclaimed in a joyful
voice, Q-Bert Deluxe is MINE!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!
He jumped in the air, while all his parents stuck-up bald ass friends,
Yes, men and women, conducted a standing ovation from the 50 ft couch which
they sat there upper class fat fuckin asses upon. Joey saw a large sum of
chocolate gold plated cake that was offered to him, and slammed it into his
moms face. All the stuck-up bald ass rich people laughed at the 50 wig wearing
woman that had chocolate dripping onto her tits. The butler quickly noticed the mess,
and cleaned it up. He even licked the chocolate that had landed on her tanned
boobs. This incident of licking chocolate off peoples breasts is another
story, and is coming soon to a bbs near you.
Joey pounced up the 3 flights of stairs that he needed to climb in
order to reach his large, hi-tech computer room. Inside, was a P5, or a 586, sat
upon a black desk, beside a NEC 256-color printer, and a LogiTech Handman
scanner, which had a pre-scanned picture of barbie underneath it, and a
UVGA monitor with a pocket on the side holding his favorite of them all, his
HSTcourier 57600 external modem. He switched on his computer with a remote
control placed near his door, and sat down as he prepared to install Q-Bert.
All through the night he played Q-Bert, jumping and dodging, practicing
hard for his goal of being the best in North America at Q-Bert Deluxe. He
finally stopped playing the game at 5:30 am and congradulated himself at
beating the game 445 times in 3 hours. He then initialized his modem, and
called up the BBS, The DarkTower. He logged on in his usual wanna-be pir8 name, THE PIRATE,
and entered the password, Cobra Commander. He immediately entered the message
area 5, Gossip etc. and posted in big green letters, he had an ansi adaptor
I SAW ELVIS IN A UFO. After posting his shitty message, he realized that the
Sys-op might be a little pissed at him for repeatedly writing dumb fuckin
messages and using his own trademark at the bottom of every message: IM COOL.
But he didnt care. After what he was going to do just now, the Sys-op would
love him forever, he thought. He entered the the Sys-ops only area, figuring
the Sys-op would be asleep and he could do anything he wanted. He pressed u
to upload, and entered the following:
The computer pointed out that the upload would take 14:00 to complete,
so he lay back on his waterbed, water from his overflowing depends, and read
his newest copy of AMIGAworld and Lamer Monthly.
But the bad thing was the Sys-op of The DarkTower Node 2 had been
awake, and monitoring Node 1. He recognized the man who uploaded the cheap shit
Q-bert files as one of his neighbors, Joseph McCloud. While the upload was
taking place he quickly accessed the small box on the screen which displayed
the upload info, and printed a message telling Joey to go to his front door
in two minutes to get a free copy of Q-Bert Deluxe add-ons disk 1 and 2. So
being the gullable lamer he was, he walked to the front door, opened it, and
met face-to-face with a 66 man with his hands behind his back. Joey
introduced himself, and the man showed Joey 2 disks which read Q-Bert add-ons.
Joey got all excited and asked the man for them. The man said he had to jump
off his roof and land safely to get the disks. Before you could say Ha ha
look at that dumbfuck on the roof he was halfway through his fall. The man
stepped inside the house and closed the door, and listened for the sharp
crack of the Lamers skull hitting the pavement. 2 seconds later, the
sharp crack was heard.
The man stepped outside, and put the disks in Joeys pockets. The man
walked away, but then turned around and said: Well ya landed safely. You
didnt hurt anybody. So you can have the disks. He turned around and walked
away from the sticky mess that resembled the chocolate cake mentioned earlier
in the story...
The next morning, the parents of Joey went outside to collect the mail.
Upon their journey, they noticed two Q-Bert disks half covered by somebodies
red jeans. They too got all excited and grabbed the disks, ran upstairs, and
started playing, not even noticing the dead body. Later on, they uploaded the
add-on disks onto a bbs called: THE COPKILLERS. You know what happened after
*---- Well those two are my personal favourites because they show GRAPHICALLY
what a lamer is and what should and will be done to one. Okay well now that you
know what a lamer is I think its time to give some examples of what has and
can be done against this menace to cyber-society.
Chapter 2.0
Xterminating Your Local Lamers
*---- This topic will cover what to do with lamer once youve found one.
1. Lock Out- If you can convince the sops of the local boards that this lamer
is truly a lamer then you can have him locked out of all those boards. This
will bring an end to his poisoning of cyber-society. I have found through this
method that usually he will give up on the pirate world of ours and enter the
lamer world of Public Domain, this is fine....for PD boards are where most
lamers circulate.
2. Messages- Plainly post messages about how lame this lamer is and tell
everyone about his crimes and what price he should pay. This will usually
result in number one and if his crimes are bad enough he will end up as part
of number three.
3. Blacklisting- This is the most serious of punishments and should be used
when lamerdom is at the most serious degree, just conytact your local group
member and tell him to blacklost the guy, this lamer will be included in the
next blacklist!!!
Chapter 3.0
Questions And Answers.....
Q: Well, why not just let them keep to themselves and well just leave them
A: This is a common question from those of you who havent haad any ugly
encounters with this problem. The answer has many points and I will go through
them. First off they are annoying, many of us have worked VERY hard to get the
status we have on the scene. Now when someone who got a lucky file with a good
board number, well then if they start harrasing us decent users, calling us
lame...or bragging how daddy got them a really cool computer. Well, this will
really annoy us so we have to stop lamers from doing this by exterminating
them. Also, the main reason why we shouldnt allow them to live in the scene
is this. If they grow in numbers and are not taken care of off of first hand
then they will band together, establish groups containing all lamers!!! This
could pose a serious threat to the scene, and would require alot of work to
extinguish. To put it in simpilar terms, it would end up being the same
problem we have with gays. We gave them too much room, allowed there
disgusting practices to continue and we allowed them to grow. Now they are
screaming for rights and we have a HUGE problem at hand, for they have formed
groups and there are too many. So lets not make the same mistake as we did
with FAGGITS, and get rid of all of them.
Q: Well, Ive been on the scene for a short time and dont get good warez or
anything like that, am I lame???
A: No, we all have to start a one point, and you are just starting off.
Remember even the head of THG or RZR had to start out and had trouble getting
0-3 day warez at one point.
Q: I know a guy and I think hes lame, but Im no asshole, how do I tell him I
think hes lame??
A: First you have to determine whether or not hes lame, this can be done by
comparing him to the checklist in the next chapter. If he seems to fit the
quota then start asking other users on other boards if they think hes lame.
If you find that people agree with you then it is definite that you have
yourself a lamer. I would suggest telling him, getting other users to
blacklist and lock him out of all types of boards. He is lame and should
be punished!!!
Chapter 3.0
*---The following will help you pick out and identify your local lamers!!
1. He has been around for A LONG time 6 months and still cant get 0-3
day warez.
2. When applying on boards he lies about things like the warez he gets, the
amount of messages he posts or who he knows.
3. He lies about groups that he has been in. Things such as I was in iCE
under a different alias.
4. He calls everyone lame.
5. He lies about who he knows. Hell say things like, Oh yeah, me and
Razors prez go WAY back!!!.
6. When a lamer puts up a board it wont stay up for over 2 months. Hell
keep on putting up different boards and will take them down in a month or so.
7. He lies about things such as his system. Saying things like Ive got a
Pentium with 88 mhz. When hes really running on a Tandy with a 300 baud
8. He posts lame messages with no point whatsoever.
9. He distributes pir8 or HP numbers to PD brds.
10. While on a HP board he talks about things like Super Nintendo or the
latest ware!!!
11. He sells out to cops when its not ABSOLUTELY needed his ass isnt on
the line.
12. He is a cop!!!
13. He edits text like these and puts his name on these.
*** If the asshole yer checking fills in for 5 or more of these categories,
have him punished as described above!!! He is a definite LAMER. BTW if he IS
a cop I think blacklisting and lock out would be advisable!!!
--- Since this is a lamer extermination pack, I thought it best to leave an
area in which you could write the names of lamers. When the list gets long
enuff just blacklist the faggitz, Ill start it off. Remember this is the only
part of the text that you can edit, for this is for the greater good of our
cyber culture!!!
1. Lord Sauron Julian Brown Master Mixer 416
2. Rick Fast --- ??? 416
3. Nutcase Brian Devries 905 PD brd SoP
4. is 846-9317
* Feel free to add more slots.
Gettin Info
Well, to be able to seriously fuck this lamer up, well have to get some info
on the fag. Heres a few suggestions on how to do so.
1. Befriend him. Act like a buddy to him on the boards, if you have a board ask
him to be a co. Tell him you have to talk to him voice, and get his phone
number or a place to meet him. Getting his phone number is an essential tool if
you really want to FUCK this lame-o up. See the next idea for the reason why I
say this.
2. Once you have his phone number, you can do this step. Phone the fags house
from a pay phone the bitch called Caller ID, and pretend to be a cop. This
doesnt always work, because the lamer cant be home. So what you should do is
ask for him and if hes their do it another time. Ask the person if she has a
son named whatever the lamers name is. Say he was running down a sidewalk and
had a nasty spill and bumped his head. He cant remember his address, last name
and way to get home. Say, that you would like to bring him home and need the
previous noted information to do that. The dumb fag will probably end up
telling you EVERYTHING you need to know, thus you know EVERYTHING. Now you can
have ALL the fun you want posting it EVERYWHERE, ENJOY!!!
3. If you need pictures of him, to scan as a .GIF you can get it by doing the
following. You could ring the doorbell and if he answers take a nice shot from
a good area, but thats not to clear. On his way to school, just take various
shots of him, and then you can choose the best ones to scan into a GIF, that
way the rest of the pir8 world can see what a fucking geek he REALLY is!!!
--- Well, that should be sufficient information on how to identify your
local lamers, if you feel the need for more, or have a special situation,
then contact me on the boards listed at the end of this pack. I should be
able to fill your need.
Well, that about wraps it up for dealing with the lame disease that plagues us,
in our undeveloped cyber culture. Hopefully we will be able to weed out the
vile lamerdom syndrome which has rooted itself in our culture, before it is
too late. And with a little co-operation and more texts like these, the future
will not be such a polluted place full of cyber-assholes like these....
The Anarchial Artist Greetz.....
1. Cthulhu - Joining in with the fun???
2. Sacred Stephanie - Somebody rockin knockin da bootz!!!
3. Santa Claus - Sorry about the lit thermite in the chimney......
4. Cannibal Corpse - Butchered A La Birth????
5. The Three Fagiteers - You guys are the BIGGEST FAGS EVER!!!
6. Purple Tentacle - Welcome to the scene....
7. Guile - Heard about the incident with the FD...
8. Obi Wan Kenobi - Whale Virus Man....Whale Virus.....
9. Funky Man - You are an AA prospect!!!!
10. Hudson Hawk - Come guy.....I wanna see yer texts...
11. The 416/905 Krew - The best AC around!!!
12. Queen Elizabeth - So what if your phone number is 011-44-1-930-4832???
13. Spirogyra - What the fuck???
You suckah....lame fuckah.......
-Anarchial Artist 94